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This Poem was Submitted By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-20 06:46:39 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Forlorn

No one can understand the desolation No one can feel the cold pain from within As two strange ships meet in the early dawn Reflections of themselves ripple upon the glass They watch as if it appears that each will collide The thick mist deceives them Pasage is undetermined at this time In the blink of an owl's eye the ships pass on A harsh cold wind chills those on board The mist thickens as the ships depart

This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-30 20:19:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.10000
Forlorn, a fitting title. Good choice. Again, nice work. And if I may again offer some suggetions: Maybe 'this' desolation - making it a bit more personal. and what about 'Their reflections ripple upon the glass'. The fifth line appears a litle muddled, I wonder if there is a way to make it sound clearer. 'In the blink of an owl's eye' - I really like this. Now that I think about it splitting it up into three sanzas might make for pauses to allow the reader to take in all that you are offering. After the 4th line and then leave the last two lines separate. I don't know maybe not, but it might be worth a try. I hope this was helpful, Audrey

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-04-23 17:20:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Helen, This almost sounds like an all nighter. Two lonely [desolation/cold pan within]strangers meet...... and get acquainted........ Reflections of themselves ripple upon the glass they spend time together....... They watch as if it appears that each will collide The thick mist deceives them........[emotionally] Pasage is undetermined at this time In the blink of an owl's eye the ships pass on .......[nights over/party over] A harsh cold wind chills those on board[back to reality and aloneness] ' back to forlorness. Good imagery personifying ships passing in the night. Good job. I enjoyed it. My best to you, Dellena The mist thickens as the ships depart [they disappear from each others view]

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-21 14:31:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45833
Hi Helen, Bravo...you have written another wonderful and beautifully written poem. It seems to be a metaphor for two people headed for a crash course. No one can understand the desolation no one can feel the cold pain from within.....these lines set the tone for this emotion packed piece. The tone is truely forlorn from the beginning words. as two strange ships meet in the early dawn eflections of themselves ripple upon the glass they watch as if it appears that each wll collide.....a stormy beginning for these two enities...ships of the sea or lives of lovers. They see themselves approching disaster and the mystery is what direction can they take to avoid collision the thick mist deceives them passage is undetermined at this time................. they are tenaive...leary...confused..which way shall we go or just stop in the blink of an owl's eye (superb) the ships pass on a harsh cold wind chills those on board the mist thickens as the ships depart.................parting is really the only way this mystic story can end....gives a dramatic punch to the enitre piece. I hope I haven't completely fractured your meaning here....but to me the metaphor is clear but then I am a hopeless romantic. Great poem...you just getting better and better with every poem you post! Blessings....Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-04-20 13:25:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68750
Helen: This is the first of your poems I’ve come to on my list to critique. I’m truly delighted to hear a ‘new voice’ like yours. While ships that meet and pass is a familiar theme; you have addressed it in a fresh, intriguing way. The title, “Forlorn” almost sounds like a ship’s lonely call. a steamship foghorn, which echoes the open vowel sounds of the word. I do love the sonics put forth in the first two lines: “No one” – again, an echo of the ‘o’ vowel sounds of the title and the foghorn. As a poet, you pay careful attention to sound, which is one of the elegant features of this poem. Once more, I note the o’s in “desolation/cold” – and that in just two lines and the title you have artfully employed both long and short vowel sound and combine that with nasal ‘n’ and liquid ‘l’ as well. ”Reflections of themselves ripple upon the glass They watch as if it appears that each will collide” The speaker’s viewpoint seems omnipresent. As if from above, observing the fates of these two ships. There is a certain detachment combined with the mournful quality of the title and your opening lines which gives me a sense of being in suspended animation. Two huge ships on an apparent collision course. What can one do, but hold one’s breath and await the disaster in-the-making? Perhaps omitting 'if' might intensify this line. ”The thick mist deceives them (Passage) is undetermined at this time” I love the sound and feel of “thick mist” as I read it aloud. There is also a handsome companionship of “undetermined/time” as a somewhat detached tone implies that Fate has not yet spoken. That the ships are metaphoric for two individuals seems evident. "In the blink of an owl's eye the ships pass on A harsh cold wind chills those on board The mist thickens as the ships depart" The owl’s eye appears, with a blink that reminds me of a camera, photographing the scene. The ‘sh’ and ‘ch’ sounds add to the sense of things shrouded in mystery, of wind (force) accompanying the ships as they pass one another. I think the reversal of “thick mist” in L6, to L10’s “mist thickens” artfully suggests the reversal of positions of the ships. In my mind’s eye, I see one approaching from the west, one from the east. As they pass one another, the first ship is now east of the second, and vice versa. The passengers are affected by this near-collision, and the unknown of what might have happened had the ships collided is still shrouded in mystery. The suggestion, at least for this reader, is that the collision might have resulted in upheaval in the lives of those represented by the ships. The tone of the poem is mournful, as though that meeting would have meant greater understanding, a risk taken, a ‘voyage’ into the unknown that for whatever reason, was attenuated. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading and commenting on this. I’m looking forward to hearing from you! My very best to you, Joanne

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