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This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-25 22:00:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Unexpected

Cataclysmic KA-BOOM! Earth sound surround, love takes flight on a humdrum night. Fortuitous startling love blind unbothered begging love- drawing me enthralling me to stand fearlessly exposed and free to the possibility of he.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-05-01 07:39:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.68293
Audrey, The beginning really started out in a boom, but when I got to the third stanza, I felt it should have been shortened as the first two stanzas to give it that right feeling. All in all it is a great piece. My suggestion: drawing me enthralling me fearlessly exposed to the possibility of HE. This gives it a better flow and making the last line stand out , letting you sit there and say...WOW, that was good! Helen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-04-29 16:19:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54167
Audrey, Great writing! You used 'he' as I sometimes do. [to rhyme] You don't have any pretext or. bashfulness in your write! I dare say the 'love', isn't really love, it's more sexual appeal! More like attraction... humdrum is a great word to use. cataclysmic goes well with kaboom....[hard k's] I like the double letter usage...kaboom,surround,, begging, enthralling,possibility. Rhyming great! Good job! dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-04-26 07:51:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Audrey, having twice (a miracle I think) run into love at first sight, this piece takes on new meaning. I have tried to write to the overwhelming ambiance of that moment, but I don’t think I have done so with the subtle pomp and circumstance that this poem elicits. Unexpected – I think, had I read a title called “Love at first sight” and the poem had only one line or word, it would be “Unexpected”, for in that word is a powerful tale. Excellent title. Cataclysmic KA-BOOM! Earth sound surround, love takes flight on a humdrum night. – I like the rhyme, it reinforces the power of your first stanza. I have known many people who have never known that “moment”, and they could never understand the power of your first stanza, walking in, and he/she is there, and the air is rare. Excellent opening. Fortuitous startling love blind unbothered begging love- There is certainly “providence” in such a meeting. The response to such an invasion of passion, suddenly found, releases the inhibition and indeed insists “love me”, for anything else and we are the beggar looking into the windows of a five star restaurant. drawing me enthralling me to stand fearlessly exposed and free to the possibility of he. – Your choice of verbs is passionate, “drawing”, “enthralling”, “stand fearlessly”, and your choice of nouns makes love a delight, “exposed”, “free”, and it all leads into the “subject of desire” – “of he”. The resultant subject is so completely modified by the time we really see him for the first time that, we feel what you did when the moment occurred. A beautiful tribute to love, and not only love, but the redemption of the soul associated with such instantaneous transformation. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2005-04-26 03:48:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.66667
Audrey, You grasp a moment so well. I hope it leads to further moments. Rick

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