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This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-25 22:03:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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SEDONA (revised)

Winter winds dance wild covet your silouette, and brand to memory the solace in your eyes. I stand in grey shaded by your might, eternally bound in gold leaf gratitude to a love for which I may never write justice. Your words pierce me still, ferried through canyons of time calling me home to the birth place of our unity unknowingly doomed. Awe struck we were, bound by Rapture's ripe glory as the valley of radiant red graciously adopted our love.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-04 06:16:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32075
Thank you for reposting Poet........well done in all areas. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-05-02 16:57:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.68182
Audrey, The structure of your poem has been well thought out with great imagery. In the first stanza two words stick out...'Winter', and 'solace', which give great strength to the entire poem. In other words it sets the mood of the poem. The second stanza...'eternally bound in gold leaf gratitude', these words make me feel that the other person has a great love for you in which you feel inferior to. The wording is superb here. In the third stanza I feel the word 'ferried ' was an excellent choice. I felt I was passing through time. The 4th stanza was very romantic. "as the valley of radiant red graciously adopted our love." ...I can feel the intense love between two lovers as the sun sets. This was an excellently written piece. Bravo! Helen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-05-01 21:53:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Audrey, You have so many poems on the list I've decided to take them a couple a day like an overdose of vitamins. Ok, bad humor. Actually, you write so well, I find it difficult not to comment on all of them at once. When I think of Sedona, I think of Sedona Arizona. I love the state, especially the Grand Canyon, which I've hiked to the bottom of numerous times, traveling latterly and staying for extended periods. Yet, they say that God created the Grand Canyon, but lives in Sedona. That being said it's not hard to believe that you would go their with your love, even though it was "unknowingly doomed". That is sad. Your first stanza wastes no time starting with energy using alliteration to create a fast rhythm slowing it down a tad with the word "solace". Very nice and balanced. It really feels alive. I like the writing of every line. =] I stand in grey shaded by your might,-----------it's almost as if you've lost some of your light, I like this description eternally bound in gold leaf gratitude to a love for which I may never write justice. I like this second stanza, but I don't understand it. Let me try and don't be offended if I muck it up. It is not my intent. I see you with an overpowering figure. One to which you are bound "eternally." I believe this means marriage, I'm not sure, but it's my first impression. I don't understand "gold leaf gratitude". I'm missing the reference, yet I'm not asking you to explain yourself. If this is in fact a marriage, then, perhaps, this may be a the symbol of a wedding ring, or even a type of veil or head dress? The love for which you may "never write justice" can go either way for me. I think of it as positive in some regards, but negative in others. The foreshadowing of the "grey", or the might taking away some of your light makes me feel that this is a negative reference. If so, it must be horrible, if you "may never write justice." That's why I am pausing. Good writing is never going to be easy or line up with everyone's life experiences. If I wanted everything easy I should go driving and read road signs. Your words pierce me still, ferried through canyons of time calling me home to the birth place of our unity unknowingly doomed. Yes, I am going to stick with negative. "Pierce" to me is not a good word. I think of it as being stabbed in the heart or eye. I like the "canyons of time calling me home to the birth place of our unity", that reads very well. "Unknowingly doomed" leaves me sad that things didn't turn out, but glad that it wasn't bad from the beginning. At least there was some happiness. Awe struck we were, bound by Rapture's ripe glory as the valley of radiant red-----------I like the "r" sounds here in "Rapture's, ripe, radiant and red" graciously adopted our love. Beautiful ending to this poem. I like the word "adopted." It's almost as if, even though the relationship was doomed, the love still lives somewhere in Sedona. I write my thoughts out for you in order to let you know how I'm thinking through this poem. That is the only way I can truly give you any suggestions. Well written and a thoughtful read. Best always, Troy

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-04-28 17:05:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.72222
You've made quite a lot of changes, but to me the meanings are still hidden..."I stand in grey shadowed by your might." means to me that you stood in this man's shadow. You offer him gold or did you have pictures taken and placed in golden frames. but there is no justice for eventually you part where you first knew him and made love to him. Birthplace of unity and graciously adopted our love are two lines that make me believe that it wasn't meant to be. I'm probably way off base, and to be honest I find it tough to read into this for you really don't give away much of yourself in further explanations.Sedona is where you were, and your heart shall remain.

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