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This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-05-08 14:16:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Black Satin

I wake to find you dreaming. Your presence resonates, Thickening the air With a tender reverence. A vision to behold. Breathtaking, Lying there in stifling strength And mute magnificence Content within your bones. I’d wait a thousand moons For your embrace. To lie here in black satin Captivated by your silence, In speechless servitude Quietly Breathing your exhale.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-06-03 19:18:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
This is so romantic a write but not cliche, and it is hard not to write cliche in this well used topic. I love the feelings and images that you portray in your lines. and your second stanza is my favorite "Breathtaking, Lying there in stifling strength And mute magnificence Content within your bones."especially your last line here. good use of alliteration as well in "stifling strength" and again in "mute magnificence". I like how you have used your title or reference to it in your last stanza drawing it in so well. "To lie here in black satin" Captivated by your silence, In speechless servitude Quietly Breathing your exhale. good "s" alliterations and your last line is wonderful. great job, loved it!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2005-05-31 07:34:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Audrey, This depicts a moment so well and the depth it takes when in love. The words are stimulating to the reader using lines like 'mute magnificence Content within your bones' and 'Breathing your exhale' those are my favorite parts to this poem. The title is very befitting since you focus on it in the last stanza. You show the presence of your love next to you, well done, excellent love poem. Thanks for sharing. Thomas.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-05-21 22:59:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is what love or addiction can do to us when it comes to the opposite sex or what we believe is the best thing that ever happened to us. Your words are enticing line by line by line. Your poetry is so good, and I find that also with this one, I could have it totally right or totally wrong. This could be about someone who is in love with the right person, or it could be about someone just so addicted to something because it's become the norm (whether it's good or bad). I thought there were some subtle hints in the poem that could lead the reader to believe that there may have been a little abuse here or something that just isn't quite righth. "speechless servitude" "stifling strength" and then "Black Satin" could be many things. It could be the sexual love bed, or it could be the lining of a coffin. It really could go either way. You do an awesome job of keeping the reader guessing in this one. I think that's clever and creative. Thanks again for making me think. Very impressive poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-05-14 09:38:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Audrey, This was beautifully written and I won't recommend any changes, which leaves me with my analysis and appreciation of this piece. The sense of awe is strong throughout the piece and the person you are alluding to will be very flattered when you hand this to him. The person whose exhale you breathe, is perhaps a lover who has mesmerised you wit his charm. He has impressed you with his strength, mute magnificence and contentment. However, on further reading through this piece, the reader gets a feeling of this relationship being a little less complete the poet would like it to be ('i'd wait a thousand moons for your embrace) or from another standpoint, this line could be referring to your waiting for him to awaken from his slumber and embrace you. The latte is most likely because I'm sure he wouldn't be sharing your bed if the relationship wasn't whole!! Your choice of words is rich and the flow is a job well done. Of all the poems I have read of yours this would have to be the best. The title is apt and sets the environment for the reader to pursue his reading of your piece. Take care, Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-12 05:51:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Well done Poet, good structure, word flow brings forth the images of love, peace, contentment within this relationship......black satin, the touch of it against your skin is soothing as well.....breathtaking indeed. Thank you for posting and sharing. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-05-11 14:47:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.75000
Ah yes, ain't love grand? Close enough to breathe in exhale...and in black satin. I'd much prefer red! Nice sibilant esses...speechless servitude, etc. My own personal quirk is not to have what I've written in the title (as you have).That comes from a workshop I attended. Line to line it carried me forward to the conclusion.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Patricia Gibson-Williams On Date: 2005-05-10 01:30:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This was beautiful. It reminds me of how I feel every time I wake up beside my Joe. It flowed so effortlessly from stanza to stanza, all the while drawing the reader dreamily along. I love the lines: “Your presence resonates” and “Content within your bones” both gave me such a sense of the person you are watching sleep. If I had one nit it would that the final line “Breathing your exhale” seemed awkward. It’s a wonderful sentiment and I’ve used the idea in some of my past poems, but the wording doesn’t seem in line with the sensual feel of the rest of your work. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that makes the line seem off to me, but I have some alternate suggestions. Inhaling your breath Breathing your essence Of course it could be that it’s just late and the line is perfect as is. LOL After all the rest of the poem is so well turned, and I can’t really find a reason why there is anything actually wrong with this one. I truly enjoyed reading this and look forward to seeing more of you work. Patti

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-05-09 14:20:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Audrey: Very sensual and sizzling! But tasteful. <smile> I particularly like the image of him -- in L4 of S2, "content within your bones." But it was the last line that really clicked for me -- when at the height of that 'in love' feeling, breathing that 'old air' is sweet, indeed. ;) I just read back and that sounded funny! Anyway, I think you know what I meant. You really know how to captivate a reading audience. I love the sense of synchronized breathing in this piece. Ah, romance! Very nice work! Best to you, Joanne

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