This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-05-08 14:19:42 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Contentment

Time will forget this moment allowing its endless linger,  deathless in my mind.  Leaning back, bewitched at the sight staring fish eyed and wide, entranced.  I watch the moon explode into fuchsia-white light   over an abysmal yearning sea, desperately eager in the night. A starlit blaze of glory vibrating hemispheres, hovering bright. Divine incandescence   beaming with heroic might. Yes, time will forget this moment and linger it will, deathless in my mind. 

Copyright © May 2005 Audrey R Donegan


This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2005-06-06 19:04:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Audrey, I know the contest is almost over , but I wanted to at least let you know how much I have enjoyed reading and rereading "Contentment". It's a nice title about a subject I myself hold dear. What more could anyone want then to watch as the sun exits and the stars and moon come out over the ocean. In all the world there is nothing which can charm me more. Thanks for posting this one and good luck in the contest. Blessings, Jennifer


This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-06-04 16:48:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
This is lovely Audrey, I am becoming quite a fan of yours. I love the dreamy style in which this is written." Time will forget this moment allowing its endless linger, deathless in my mind" this is contentment isn't it, when all the world stands still, the stuff that dreams are made of foreven in your mind, etched and perminent. Time may will forget, but as you say, you shall never. I like the way you re-used the first 4 lines to become your last 4, enveloped this write very effectively. Some of your word choices were wonderful."staring fish eyed and wide, entranced. " this was quite a vision to me, I could picture this perfectly. "over an abysmal yearning sea, desperately eager in the night." really liked your use of "abysmal" meaning unlimited ..the sea yearning unlimited for desperately, great personification there, very effective. "vibrating hemispheres, hovering bright." love the grouping of these words, wonderful sound when read. Can you tell I really enjoyed your poem? LOL..hope so. Nancy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-05-30 11:34:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Audrey: Can’t let this lunar poem of yours pass by me. You speak my language. I am enchanted by your moon in all her phases, and you’ve given an especially ecstatic reading of her moods, perhaps as metaphor. It is a highly sensual poem, and you allow your readers to sink into it fully. Capturing the moment as you have here, you have made it “deathless” in your mind, and our minds, too. Other readers with romantic souls will swoon, as well. Easily given to swooning at the sight of the moon, am I. And when reading or remembering her effects. Time will forget this moment allowing its endless linger, deathless in my mind. Especially delectable – “endless linger” – the sibilance, the sensual ‘n’ sounds, the liquid ‘r’ ending of L2 above. Likewise, the combined sounds of “endless/deathless” enhances your poetic artistry. Leaning back, bewitched at the sight staring fish eye and wide, entranced. I especially love this – “staring fish eye and wide” as it is startling to me, a new way to think about the moon. Touch of live eye to eye. Cool, like fish, but intent, entrancing. Other sensory cues, as well, given with great subtlety. I watch the moon explode into fuchsia-white light over an abysmal yearning sea, desperately eager in the night. Perhaps a metaphor for sexual climax. Associated thoughts are of the connection between the moon’s phases and all organic cycles --- oysters, tides, menstruation, (menses/month/moon all from the same root), pregnancy and birth. But the first flash is definitely ‘le petite mort’ in my view. Beautifully drawn. Tell me if I am wrong. ;) A starlit blaze of glory vibrating hemispheres, hovering bright. Again, I think that as the moon appears as a single globe, the allusions are to the connection between this luminous body and our bipartite ones. Sublime! Divine incandescence beaming with heroic might. Yes, time will forget this moment and linger it will, deathless in my mind. The moon in your poem changes, at least for this reader, from the ultimate feminine symbol to include and engulf the traditionally masculine symbol of the sun. The “incandescence” of the moon now belongs to her; she now beams with “heroic might” having joined in essence with her masculine counterpart. They are fused as one, their energies combined and combusting the sky. Luminescent writing, Audrey! This poem wows me to my toes. Lovely, lovely. Brava! Applause, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-05-21 11:17:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
this reads like the lamenting of a sad occassion or event in one's life. seems to me to say, you know what? time will go on. life will go on. when all the world has let this moment slip from their memory, ever shall i continue to remember. just a few quick grammatical suggestions (as your words are really self-supported, complete, and vivid) Time will forget this moment allowing its endless linger, BUT(seems like a run-on sentence without another word here) deathless in my mind. -entranced, (think a comma is better here) -fish-eyed (hyphenated because seperately, words don't have same meaning) -will (think either semi-colon or dash here always a pleasure, charlie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-17 04:35:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91304
Good structure, word flow, filled with images my friend......perhaps time will forget but your memories are forever......I love the night sky and all it brings forth......I get lost in the darkness of night and the quiet just before dawn...........I shall never forget the night I walked out of my in laws home, it was past midnight, we were heading home from a visit, and the sky was filled with colors I had never seen before.....they called it the Northern Lights.......I called it God's Splendor........I have only seen it twice in my lifetime and the first time was the best........one might have said I too stared fish eyed and wide......perhaps my mouth was open as well taking it all in......as I held my daughter in my arms I only wished she too were old enough to take it in, the beauty of the moment.....Thank you for posting and sharing with us....thanks for the memories......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-05-15 00:03:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Hi Audrey, I was drawn to this piece because of its gravity. You have done what poetry does best, i.e, talk about so much in so few words and leave the reader with a banquet of thought and a soulful of vision. The night sky has always clung to me like a magnet. It makes my senses soar. I never miss an opportunity to star-gaze and probe the mysteries of the depths of space - the stars, the moon, the comets, the planets, the possibilities of alien life and water on Mars!! Gosh, I could go on. Your poem 'Contentment', is a tribute to the night-sky and its ability to soothe our weary spirits. Through this poem, you have given the readers a very real sense of how mesmerised you are with this beauty. The flow was good and the imagery was vivid (starring fish eyed and wide - innovative and unique!! watch the moon explode into fuschia-white light, starlit blaze of glory, vibrating hemispheres, etc) If I have a suggestion at this point of time, it would be to replace the word 'deathless' with a word such as 'immortal' as it sounds more powerful, impacting and more positive- but that's just an opinion :-) Very well-written!! Take care, Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-05-10 20:48:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Dear Audrey, It is most mesmerizing to watch the moon. It's nightly show is much the way you have captured it. Don't know if you've ever been to Alabama. I don't live there anymore, but there are so many stars visible there, don't know why. Even the car tags say "Stars Fell On Alabama." I had a friend whose dad owned an island called Castaway. We used to sneak down the stairs and out onto the pier The moon reflected on the water, making golden streaks, if clouds covered it momentarily, it would appear like spider webs on the water. It was breathtaking, we never caught a fish at night because we were too busy listening to the bullfrogs and watching the moon and stars. A big thrill was seeing "shooting stars" which to some are "falling stars." I seldom see one anymore, but then it seemed like miniature fireworks. I've said all this to say, "Contentment" is a good title. This is a visual treat for the reader. If it were mine, I would take out both lines of "deathless in my mind." For me, they spoil some of the great beauty that you are saying will linger in your mind. You can end in much the same way (time may forget this moment, but for me it will linger always), that being just an example, you can do much better than I at ending your poem. I think death/deathless/related words are cold and should not be used in a tribute to our most glorious moon. Anyway you choose, you've written a lovely poem and one you can be proud of. Good luck this month! Wishing you the best. Wanda
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