This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-05-08 14:38:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Father Dearest Mountainous you were
Righteous clever and outspoken
Full of wit and charm,
That left me craving just one more.
One more conversation
One more talk so bold
One more charismatic speech
To pass the timeless hours,
Those trivial unwanted hours
Those hours so relentless.
I paled in your comparison
As nature’s beauty to it’s maker.
I do so now as I did so then,
For being grown
Changes not
Of what the ego sees.
With stealth you enter uninvited
Begging for forgiveness,
Toying with my fragile thoughts
And menacing my mind.
My oh, so precious mind.
No!
No more will I
Harbor the scent of you
Your eyes
Or clever expressions.
No more will I
Squander my now precious hours
This night or any other.
Take back your stake from out my land
And the stake from out my heart.
Take back your wit
and all your charm
And clever conversation.
Find another place to dwell
My mind is mine and mine alone!
Find some other naïve child
Tonight this orphaned girl has grown.
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Copyright © May 2005 Audrey R Donegan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-03 17:38:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ah, it is sad what hold a parent can have on child even after they are grown. Your poem makes one question their own actions as to how much verbal input one should do with one's own children and how amongst the clever conversation still be able to demean their offspring or make them somehow not feel that they can live up to the image that is project. I also see the coming into one's own and being able to take back ones self. Thank you for sharing this with us. As for the technical merrits of your work I am not one to really give you pointed direction other than for me it flowed from mood to mood and then to conclusion with ease, it did not lag... You have made a strong statement.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-06-02 20:00:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53846
As a retired psychiatric Nurse, pieces like this still grab me and sicken me when I hear
what men do. Sometimes I want to opt out of the maleness of myself...and not admit I am one.
Audrey, you have written well of this horrific situation. At first I thought it was a love
letter to your father telling him how much you care for him, but alas it wouldn't be so. So
I commend you to have written about this. It's horrible. Thanks for sharing. Thank goodness
you won't harbor his scent any longer.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-05-21 22:51:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Audrey, This is a very touching poem. So many people have lived what lies therein. Here you lay out a father/daughter relationship in which she was at the mercy of someone who appeared to be of great stature and importance.
This poem gives me two pictures
1. one of a real father and daughter
2. one of perhaps an orphaned child and a priest or pastor
Whichever relationship, the end result is still a powerful and necessary one. It shows us how children can b e haunted even in adulthood by characters who preyed on them as children. You don't forget the words they say and the things they do.
You lay this poem out carefully choosing all the right words, and you leave a lot to be pieced together. I think that's a clever thing to do.
This is a poem about abuse. It could be mental, emotional or even sexual. It could be all of these. In the end you possess your own self in a way that most victims must in order to come to terms with life. The characters in this poem are so important as they paint pictures of what really happened and what still happens with so many innocent children.
You illustrate that you have to take back your innocence often as adults. This is a good revelation poem. It's poetic and well written. I think the title just sets it all in motion. It's a great pun (smile). You speak to so many issues in just one poem. Children are the future, and any crime against their innocence is a crime against the humanity of us all.
Scars are often left. We do get the sense that the child in the poem is about to move on. What a great ending. Thanks for sharing this one. It was very interesting to read. Great job.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-05-18 14:40:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Hi Audrey,
I feel so much sadness and profound pathos in every line of this piece. It is well written and doesn't
take much digging to read between the lines and see that this child was abused over and over again. The
almost unbearable part, to me, is that the child loved her father...he was everything to her with his
wit, charm, wonderful conersation, and it would be my guess that he is very handsome, as well. He lured
this unsuspecting child until he was sure he had her and then he did who knows what awful things to his
own flesh and blood. When I read the resounding "NO" after the fourth stanza I almost stood up and
cheered...this child , at whatever age, stands up and fights back...take back your stake from out my land
and the stake from out my heart. Take back your wit and all your charm and clever conversation...Bravo!
Find another place to dwell...my mind is mine and mine alone! YES!! Find some other naive child..tonight
this orphaned girl has grown. Yes she has..she has taken charge of her own life no matter how difficult
it may be and literely dis-owned her father. I can't help but wonder what part the mother had in all of
this, but since she is not mentioned I'm thinking she never took a part or was gone due to divorce or
even death. One of the best ways to heal from any truma is to write and write...it is soothing to put
emotions down on paper and to share them is the ultimate in the healing process. This innocent child lost
herself in the death of her own soul but rose up and took it back. Since I have read some of your other
works I feel this child is you and I am so sorry. But I applaude your bravery and pray you continue to
heal and take charge of your own life as it is precious and deserves to be lived in your own way.
God Bless....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-11 01:26:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Poet....this is over powering in thoughts, images, emotions, it is well structured with word flow that allows for all of your feelings to flow......you bring forth the 'father' image that he presents to you, a little girl, innocent of what is to come yet victim for years on end..........the opening stanza allows me to see this little girl, one who still loves and adores her daddy before he takes away her 'freedom' to love as a child should........
Mountainous you were
Righteous clever and outspoken
Full of wit and charm,
That left me craving just one more.
One more conversation
One more talk so bold
Each stanza brings us to a better understanding of what is consuming your thoughts and has taken place over the years from then to now and in closing it seems to this reader that you have found the strength to take a stand to this charasmatic person, to say no more will I allow you to enter in my mind.......indeed the mind is a powerful thing and thoughts and emotions may destroy the victim before it destroys the real enemy.
I further feel faith plays a very important part of this piece as well.........thank you for posting and sharing with us. Be safe my friend, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-05-09 21:51:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Dear Audrey,
I read your whole list of poems tonight before I could bring myself to comment on this piece.
Not because it isn't well written and poetically correct. It is good poetry.
After reading "Daddy" I understand this one better. This poem shows your growth, not in
writing so much but in understanding what happened to you. In this piece you seem to be
at last putting some distance, "No more will I harbor the scent of you, your eyes or clever
expressions. No more will I squander my now precious hours, this night or any other."
Child abuse lives on in us forever, it is not forgotten, at times the pain is worse. I think
fear is the worst part, it just doesn't happen when someone can stop it, at least not always.
I was lucky, I learned to be strong from my mother, but fear can be overpowering sometimes.
Being able to write about your life is wonderful therapy, gives the heart release and clears
the mind.
"Find another place to dwell, my mind is mine and mine alone! Find some other naive child,
tonight this orphaned girl has grown." I certainly pray that he doesn't find another child
to destroy. Very emotional ending for this reader. If this poem is personal and
about yourself, I hope that you are able to stand strong, better to be an orphan than to be
used by a sick father.
I'm afraid because of subject matter, I haven't said anything that would improve this piece.
I don't give technical critiques but felt that I had to comment on this poem.
There are no changes needed that I noted.
Audrey, I wish you the best, will pray that you life is blessed many times over and that you
find the joy of peace within yourself.
Sincerely,
Wanda
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