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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-05-13 15:06:25 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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If I Could Fly

I saw a sparrow in flight and sensed malcontent, I long to spread my wings, fly below another sky where sun stretches out among white sand and falls silently in dead of night To wear a sari in Singapore or float a sampan in China or listen to Puccini in Italy or skip my feet on London's bridge Across a palisade, through the woods and over mountains I would soar on wind that shatters clouds and rolls up the front of heaven In this interval of dissidence that comes with lingering years, I won't toss my torch into the sea lest it wield a fracturing blow. Instead I shall weave a way To fly with a sparrow.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2005-06-06 07:10:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87805
I see an individual that only wishes they could fly with the sparrow you brought this clear in the first stanza and reinforced it with your last line it is so important to bring the point back to the reader and you have done it nicely. To be carefree, reaching as far as one can reach another part you showed so well in the first stanza. To travel and see all the wonders that you have given to reader to explore and wish they were flying to see these wonders (whether man-made or natural). Your last stanza gives me the feeling of growing through the years realizing the beauty that surrounds us all. My favorite parts: fly below another sky skip my feet on London's bridge shatters clouds and rolls up the front of heaven Instead I shall weave a way Very well done, good structure and even flow. Thanks, Thomas

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2005-05-26 05:57:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, I knew I would be writing my response after I read your wonderful entry. This one is hypnotizing! Again, your prowess in "nature" writing is exceeding in excellence. I am again captured under your wings of unforgettable words. You have stitched the scenarios and images in a delightful manner...there is a feeling of lightness and floatingness. "To wear a sari in Singapore or float a sampan in China or listen to Puccini in Italy or skip my feet on London's bridge" --- I am in awe with your creativeness here...you always do it in ease! "I won't toss my torch into the sea lest it wield a fracturing blow. Instead I shall weave a way To fly with a sparrow." --- Great ending! Unforgettable! You just know how to end your masterpiece with a striking conclusion. Everything is well-thought...but at the same time inspiring... Perfect combination... As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2005-05-17 09:14:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi M- I have that feeling now and then, as well. May your rains fall gently on your grass. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2005-05-16 04:37:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn Hoping to fly, to weave a way, I think you achieve lift-off by the last line. Or perhaps to put a finer point on it, the last line makes me realise that you had actually taken me along for one of your flights. But I wonder if you give yourself proper credit for the trip? Stanza 4's dissidence, frustration, struggle seem to hint that you may not. Maybe this will be one of those works you look back on in time and think, "Gee, I did achieve lift-off after all." I imagine you'd look rather fetching in a sand-white sari, standing on the bow of a sampan sailing beneath London Bridge, as you sway to the strains of Puccini. Fly baby. Fly. Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-05-15 17:12:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.07692
So, my question to you is, why don't you? Why don't you just pack up and go? I did it once and I revere it to this day. 9 months on the road hitchiking when I was 42! Gave up everything. One day I'll write about it. Have you ever heard the plaintif songs of Edith Piaf? She was called "the little sparrow." Your poem reminds me of her. You can wear that sari...you can float on a sanpan...just do it and forever stop saying to yourself...I Wish... So, a very neat poem about "I wishes." (and it's last on my list).

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-05-14 10:07:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, As always, it's a pleasure to find and respond to one of your poems. Aptly titled 'If I Could Fly', the poem gives a reader a sense of the poets' desire to break free and erupt in a blaze of freedom and glory. Use of the word 'malcontent' to depict the poets viewing of the flitting sparrow highlights a feeling of envy and entrapment that so many of us feel when freedom such as that of a bird's contrasts with the more programmed and routine world we are tied to. The use of the word 'interval' in verse 4, throws light on a certain stagnation in the poets' life. The imagery is the clear winner here as it sets the theme and draws the reader into understanding what freedom the poet desires. I'm sure you love travelling, Marilyn. Your words have thrown open the readers senses as he envisions this vast open space of free movement and swirling that you have depicted. Excellent writing!! On a more selfish note, would it be possible to suggest wearing a sari in India since saris originated in India and are the national attire for women of the country :-) Hope to read more of your work very soon. Catch ya on the forum!! Take care, Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-14 06:33:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88235
If I Could Fly.........Good title that certainly attracts a reader probably wondering where this flight is going to take you and you indeed begin your journey across the world visiting many wonderful places.....even if only in your mind's eye.....to fly with a sparrow......I believe the sparrow is fine and it is you who perhaps feels the malcontent thus wanting to spread your own wings and fly.......when I was a little girl I used to dream of flying..........actually at night, in my sleep I could fly but it looked more like swimming as I moved my arms to and fro......hehehe.....good structure, word flow, and hope I feel for a better tomorrow.......and perhaps we shall all learn to fly and make the world a better place to live in. Thanks for posting and sharing, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-05-13 18:11:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Hi Marilyn, Why was the sparrow not happy? Because the lands so polluted/or troubled? or alone? I like the view flying across the world. going everywher from the view of sky. [the front of heavens interesting to think of] I like the freedom to go....fly this poem expresses. It's exhilerating actually. I want to WEAVE [love that word]a way to fly with sparrows! I'm joining your flock even flying way in the back if I'm not wanted. STILL FLAPPING DELLENA

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