This Poem was Submitted By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-05-17 04:16:20 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Walking In Morning I watched as you walked in the morning so dreary
The mist laying heavy, as you shuffled along
Your worries, now worn as a collar so weary
That circles your neck like a noose tightly drawn.
How my poor heart does break to see you so burdened
I know that you mourn for the love you once found
Yet you should not ache for the hand of that maiden
To a love so unworthy, you need not be bound.
You never will find the true love you are seeking
For the armor you wear to protect you is strong
Your soul shall be deafened, when destiny's speaking
For as long as you carry love's tragic song.
So deep in my soul is a longing to soothe you
To take all the pain and to make it subside
Blinded to the one who is longing to love you
You see not the truth that your fantasies hide.
Come live in the moments that you shall be given
Let your frigid heart warm to the one who is true
Embrace all the love that is yours to be taken
Hold my hand, let me walk those mornings with you.
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Copyright © May 2005 Nancy Ann Hemsworth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-06 22:17:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Wow, such intensity and true compassion, almost as if the writer is experiencing the heart ache of the one being observed, almost like an impath. Alas, often we are unable to reach those we so truly and desperately wish to reach but with all compassionate beings, hope lives on and we keep trying even at the risk of our own safe place and composure. Keep trying to reach out, you will make a differenc even if you aren't aware.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2005-06-03 13:12:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86486
Nancy,
Overcast skies as is ones life in this poem. The effort is seen as one trudges forward through the mist. Picture is clearly seen. Compassion and understanding yet questioning the need to hold on to a love that was not meant to be, you tell the story of a lover’s plight. If only they could open their eyes to see that love is waiting.
The poem is formatted well. I noticed the rhyme in stanza one in lines 1,3 and also in the second stanza in 2,4 then in the third and fourth 1,3 and 2,4, back to a 2,4 in the last. This is nicely displayed for the reader and there isn’t need to add more to this wonderful poem. Like your layout, well done. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Donna Carter Soles On Date: 2005-05-26 02:04:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Nancy,
I've read some of your haiku and tanka before and I am rather fond of some of them. However,
I think you are focusing more on the rhyme scheme as opposed to the subject matter in
this particular piece. It is leaving me with a sort of dull feeling (emotionally),
and some of your rhyming is making my sweater feel as if it has been plucked. *smile*
I think you are using the word 'you' too much, which I know that to be easy to do. Then
again...if your rhyme was more in flow, then people may not notice it that much. Even with
this, I still seek the warmth.
Best Wishes,
Donna
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-05-24 22:50:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Nancy,
Whether this is an observation of another and written in imagination or a personal desire, whatever the case, it is well written.
You begin and complete the walk for both the speaker and the walker, how this will be resolved is another poem.
What I found most attractive in this poem was how well the rhyme works, how appropriate your word choices are and how very real the observation is. I truly feel the longing in the voice and see the despondency in the walker. That this does not have to be so. The truth of the situation compels me to want to see the resolution of this poem. Like a good book, I want to turn the page. If it makes me feel that way, that is the highest compliment I can pay you. Let's take a closer look.
I watched as you walked in the morning so dreary
The mist laying heavy, as you shuffled along
Your worries, now worn as a collar so weary
That circles your neck like a noose tightly drawn.
"dreary" ties so well to "mist" that is "heavy"....bring us to "worries" and a "collar" that is "weary"...and then the "noose", the suffocation...everything builds to that point leaving us to ask why?
How my poor heart does break to see you so burdened
I know that you mourn for the love you once found
Yet you should not ache for the hand of that maiden
To a love so unworthy, you need not be bound.
and before you tell us you bring the speaker closer into view and further build with the word "burdened" that both reflects the walker and the speaker's "heart"...nice...and then you let us know that the walker is mourning a lost love...trapped by an "unworthy love"...isn't amazing how men can do this to themselves? I have a friend who was dumped by a love of three months and was so upset over it he hasn't dated in six years? Beats me.
You never will find the true love you are seeking
For the armor you wear to protect you is strong
Your soul shall be deafened, when destiny's speaking
For as long as you carry love's tragic song.
yes "trapped" and strengthening the trap with the "armor" of denial until the soul is "deafened" and can't hear the song of "true love" only "love's tragic song"...love the parallel of this...good writing.
So deep in my soul is a longing to soothe you
To take all the pain and to make it subside
Blinded to the one who is longing to love you
You see not the truth that your fantasies hide.
again taking us deeper into the speaker's feelings for the walker...the want to "take all the pain"...yet telling us the walker is "blinded" to that "love"...strengthening the statement with "truth that your fantasies hid." Everything works.
Come live in the moments that you shall be given
Let your frigid heart warm to the one who is true
Embrace all the love that is yours to be taken
Hold my hand, let me walk those mornings with you.
and then the call, the wish, the statement of total commitment to follow the building in the speaker's voice, built by the "embrace"..."hold my hand..."let me walk with you"...tying the title back in with "those mornings"....how wonderfully written.
Again, a complete thought with an unknown resolution. I want to know. Fine, well crafted, honest, heartfelt poetry Nancy. Great observation, personal, or not.
Best to you and yours,
Troy
p.s. hope you are having fun mowing the lawn lol
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-05-19 15:28:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88235
Hi Nancy,
This is one of the most beautiful poems I have read in a long time that is about love and lost love.
The rhyming is lovely...never forced or a word that doesn't belong for the sake of the rhyme. To love
someone who is grieving for the loss of one, he is in love with, is a sad place to be. You know his pain
can be eased if only he would accept it. The phrase...the armor you wear to protect you is strong...when
my husband died I did the same thing. I threw up a protective wall that surrounded me and refused to
let anyone penetrate it...to some degree it is still there. I have had many chances to take the wall down
and let someone else in because some have tried....but it just never felt right to me. You have filled
this poem with poignant phrases that are very compelling and not easily forgotten...your worries now worn
as a color so weary that circles your neck like a noose tightly drawn...wonderful. I knew when I read
the first stanza that I was going to love this piece and that it would strike my heart....deep in my soul
is a longing to soothe you..to take all the pain and make it subside....I do so hope this man can see
what is just within his reach and understand that giving of himself, once more, will set him free.
...embrace all the love that is yours to be taken...hold my hand, let me walk those mornings with you. This
is a lovely ending that clearly limns the love you wish to give. These things take time but I am sure
it will be worth the wait. Very well done..I enjoyed it from the first word to the last.
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-05-18 07:05:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76471
Hi Nancy,
A classical love poem on offer even as I unwind from a hard day's work. The sentiment in this piece is rich and there is no way any of the readers will be able to leave this piece without being stirred from within.
'Walking In Morning', is a double edged poem based on a rhyme scheme and divided into 5 smooth flowing verses of four lines each. I use the word 'double edged' as it reveals not only your passion for the person you refer to ('So deep in my soul is a longing to soothe you') but his soured love for the female he never had ('Yet you should not ache for the hand of that maiden, To a love so unworthy, you need not be bound').
All along he seems to have lied himself into believeing that the woman he loved was the alpha and omega of his existence only to end up with "..worries, now worn as a collar so weary, that circles 'his' neck like a noose tightly drawn." You on the other hand, contrast this 'other' woman in terms of understanding and feeling for him from the deepest depths of your heart ('Let your frigid heart warm to the one who is true')
The poem ends very romntically with you expressing your desire for him to allow you to walk 'those' mornings with him.
Eventhough slant rhyme was hardly adopted the rhyme scheme here never once seemed too forced. The read was comfortable and sentimentally abundant.
I've found myself in the same situation several times and can easily identify with what went into the writing of 'Walking In Morning'.
Hope to read more soon.
Take Care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-05-17 17:35:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
simply beautiful. i was taken back while reading this to when i thought these very words. so eloquent the simple message delivered, but in such a way as i feel that old pain that comes with loving another unreturned. we see what causes their shoulders to sag, their head to bow, their shoes to shuffle, and we have the cure they so desperately seek, yet the blindness of love prevents them from seeing. and as we yearn to love that one so desperately in search of and in need of it, our hands are tied by they, our captor. excellent, makes you stop and think for a moment.
charlie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-17 04:51:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91304
Poet this is so beautiful, so straight from your heart to his, so very well structured, word flow which brings this man to life right before the readers eyes...........in closing one can see the two hands joined and a new journey begun but not before he is ready to leave the hurt and pain carried behind....
Walking in Morning is a good title for this one Poet........the rhyme adds to the read..........
How my poor heart does break to see you so burdened
I know that you mourn for the love you once found
Yet you should not ache for the hand of that maiden
To a love so unworthy, you need not be bound.
the above stanza takes me to a time or place of knights in shinning armor perhaps.........the read is really great, whether in the stillness of ones heart or the spoken word.
Thanks for posting and sharing with us..........God Bless, Claire
Looking forward to another perhaps where you will speak of a new found love...........
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