This Poem was Submitted By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-05-30 20:28:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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For The Love Of Aphrodite

Beware young man Of the lore of the sea She's a green eyed monster Who'll enchant and trick thee In a torrid dance On the top of her waves You'll be tossed and your soul Will be lost to her ways. Take heed young man Tis’ your soul that she seeks She will toss you and turn you Till your passion she peaks Then she'll leave you so thirsty In her salt water sprays For your thirst won't be quenched In the swells of her waves Don't listen young man When the sea calls your name She's a violent lover Who can bring you much pain Deceiving and cunning She will lure you away From the arms of your loved ones She will lead you astray Think hard young man If you leave love behind For the arms of this mistress Won't be half as kind Seduced and forgotten In her turbulent tide As insatiable lovers You will endlessly ride.

Copyright © May 2005 Nancy Ann Hemsworth


This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-06-05 23:31:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Who'll enchant and trick thee (what about "enchanted trickery here"? dont know your rhythm for this goes though) --------------------------------- In a torrid dance On the top of her waves (what about "tawdry and torrid she dances with (or in, etc) waves (or the waves)" ---------------------------------- You'll be tossed and your soul ("your mind lost and tossed as you're wiled by her ways") Will be lost to her ways. * i thought mind good here since soul comes next* ---------------------------------- Take heed young man Tis’ your soul that she seeks ("young men take heed tis you're ...") ---------------------------------- She will toss you and turn you (what about different words here : "leads you and bleeds you"? maybe) ---------------------------------- For your thirst won't be quenched (maybe "no thirst is quenced"?) ---------------------------------- Don't listen young man(turn deaf ears young men?) -------------------------------------- like everything about this: the idea, the form, the rhythm, language, and warning tone. the repetition of some words (tossed, soul) seems to take something away from it. try using some different descriptive words. also, you have some strong sentences in there sandwiched between some that have a lot of the same words in them (the, her, that, be, and, of, you, your, she, etc.) for sake of the rhythm. maybe tell this to all young men instead of one. lots of good stuff here to work with. definite potential!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-06-02 17:49:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85366
Nancy, I like this one a lot! I'm not sure how you got the sing-song rhythm? It just flows up/down back/forth like a nursery rhyme ......and also like bobbing in the water. You must tell me the method......love it. I counted the syllables but thats not it. The font's perfect/wavy ocean print. Rhyming perfectly.[wonderful] waves/ways sprays/waves works good too This poem was just plain fun! The wisdom's there too.........beware young lovers. [but]An insatiable lover to ride don't sound half bad![to me] Good job. dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2005-05-31 07:12:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Nancy, Poetry at its best the kind that can be put to music. Rhyme and rhythem so well kept in this one. What is great about this piece is the thought behind it, written in a way that the reader focuses on it. To often a poem sounds so smoothe that the reader loses the thought but here one doesn't. As you know I love the ocean such serenity it gives yet the turbulance can be great. Well done. Thanks for sharing. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-31 05:36:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84375
Nancy this is wonderfully done, great structure, word flow, images created so eagerly as one reads on and on......probably wanting more before its done I am sure.......I love the sea, was married to a Coast Guardsman , he loved the sea and the adventures it brought his way but again, there were the lonely times for him as well as for myself being left home, alone, till Michelle was born........so enjoyed the opening stanza painting a picture of the green eyed monster calling out to thee.........like the way you also give reference to the 'young man' for indeed most of the men called to see for adventure are young......but it is a hard life, a lonely life, you can't have fun all the time I guess...........and work, plenty of it too.......those fishermen work so hard and when its scarce its scarce, when the storms blow they capsized many a boat taking the lives of those young men with them.......see poet, much food for thought in this one as well............actually, it will be on my list of favorites for I so enjoyed the sound of it as I read it too.....thanks for posting and for sharing.........you have such talent to share, looking forward to more of your work......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-05-30 21:21:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Nancy, This poem was so much fun to read. I think you did a great job with the story of Aphrodite. Although she is an ancient/mythical character, I couldn't help but see visions of what happens all too often today (young men lead astray because they have fallen to the temptations of the wrong women). It's funny how most of all of those old Greek myths have some true to life value, some great lessons from which to learn. Today, we still have an Aphrodite. It's just that today she comes in the form of many things: drugs, alcohols, gangs, crime, money and all other kinds of abuses. And yes, today, she still comes in the form of a woman. When I read your poem, I think of Samson and Delilah. I think of young men seduced by older women. I think of young men alienating their families for what they believe is a stroke of luck and passion. Your poem is very well written, and the rhyme scheme just pushes it along and makes it a joy to read. I felt like I was reading one of the oldies, but goodies. You certainly outdid yourself with this one. I love the title. I love what you have captured here, and I think I like most that it's a poem that speaks to our times and is very necessary. I hope they listen (smile). Great poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com
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