This Poem was Submitted By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-06-06 21:36:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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unittled

Jacarandas bloom.  Purple flowers cover mud;  California [For Rebeecca Whited -thanks]

Copyright © June 2005 Rachel F. Spinoza


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-06-28 11:30:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88571
Rachel: This example of haiku gives us a great model of the traditional haiku form. It is sparse, uses few (two) verbs, suggests a season, and is not personified. But much beyond that, it is delightful for its color (purple), tactile sensation (mud) and the wit of the word “California” taking up the entire third line’s syllabication. I can’t help but hear ‘The Terminator’ pronouncing it in his accent, which makes me also sense there is a political reference – something beautiful covering mud! What is in mud but bacteria, decay, and many other hidden things? I love to read anything you write! Best always, Joanne


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-22 15:36:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47059
Rachel, I can't believe the misspelled title "unittled" was overseen by you. PErhaps intended? I wish i knew what a jacaranda is, my presumption would be it is a flower, perhaps one found in California? Great piece of haiku, form is good and the imagery superb (if i am right about the flower.?) Nice to read your work again. Mandie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-06-15 07:47:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94118
Hi Rachel, I have always been an admirer of those who write in limited forms such as Haiku, tanka, etc and do such an inspiring job of it too. The challenges of forms such as this have to do with utilising limited resources to best convey the theme. You've done just that and remarkably. To begin with, you've chosen a theme based on a real-life situation - the devastating mudslides witnessed in California. Then, you've given this piece it's share of imagery, color and poetic fervor and capped it all with a well-crafted hidden meaning. This Haiku is a package. Jacarandas bloom - I haven't been familiar with Jacarandas but did look it up in order to respond accurately to the piece. Jacarandas are fast growing trees, famous for their amazing floral displays. There is significance in your use of the word 'bloom'. I see this as an allusion to hope beyond the travails of the disaster.....like a calm after the storm. Purple flowers cover mud - I can almost picture the settled mud, fresh from its devastation and at rest having had its fill. The image of these pretty flowers topping the mud is vivid and symbolic of a new beginning or again, of hope. I like the contrast between the ugliness of the mood and the magnetic beauty of these flowers. In a way it tells me that life has its pitfalls but there is always good to be found somehow, somewhere...there are angels, even in the company of demons. From another point of view, I also see this as a scene symbolic of a peaceful burial. California - this is where it all took place and your ending the piece with this, helps the reader tie it all together and get a sense of the anquish that befell the unsuspecting citizens of the state. There's a typo in the title (but that's hardly worth mentioning in the face of the brilliance of this piece). It's been a while. Looking forward to responding to more of your poems and looking forward to having some responses from you as well. Take Care, Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-06-08 15:39:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Rachel, Hmmmm (deep, contemplative sigh). The imagery is vividly natural - color of flowers and mud. I LOVE the very word "jacaranda" amd wish we had them here, just so I could speak it out loud!! But what interests me most is that broader but subtle implication that less pleasant realities can be concealed beneath something that looks lovely, and the viewer will be so enchanted by the floral display that the unattractive muck is usually overlooked. Is that, in fact, an element of living in California? I've not been there, of course, so I can't actually KNOW. But I read the tabloids once in awhile; I sense that beneath the glittery facade of many supposedly "beautiful people" is a much less palatable underlayer. Hollywood is a mix of blossom and banality; the California Dream can gloss over a nightmare for those less fortunate. Then there's the mud of literal mudslides, about which I've read with horror. Your "title" is probably misspelled via letter reversal but it's eye-catching so what the heck, I'd leave it as is! I certainly do like this haiku. Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-08 13:56:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rachel, How beautifuly powerful just a few words can be. You have captured conjoured memories of California. What a picturesque view that is so often hidden in their cities, great reminder of the other side of California, the side beyond sprawling freeways, cities and hussle-bussle life. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2005-06-08 13:30:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Love the title, so witty and urbane. You catch the essence of life in SoCal so well and therefore this piece seems like Baudelaire's "Fleurs de Mal" --- the beauty and corrupt existing side by side. Wonderful middle line. Ain't this the one you have in your front yard, that flithly beast leaking petals onto cars like unchecked oil drips!!! The political book should "p" some people, don't you think? Hi Jane Day wherever you are
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-06-08 11:01:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rachel, Thank you so much for this one! I feel honored! Poet, you choose your words wisely, and aptly, in order to make the greatest impact upon the reader's mind in so so few words! Bear with me, as I tell you of the impact it made on me: "Jacarandas" [a flowering tree native to 'tropical' America...the word 'tropical' brings to my mind the 'rains' of the tropics which provide the proper climate in which these trees may flourish...that brings to mind the rains in California which have caused the mudslides. Then, as if that isn't enough, the Jacaranda is considered an ornamental shade tree; that brings to mind a place of refuge from the destruction] "bloom" [I associate the word 'bloom' with the spring season when the earth renews itself.] [And then you take it multi-steps deeper!] "Purple" [Jacarandas have bluish-violet flowers...blusish reminds me of the sadness/despair/somber feelings associated with this event as the earth has been beaten/bruised by the devestation...and violet/purple can be used to associate a regal or high status in which they will 'reign over' the destruction...the use of the word 'purple' can also indicate 'highly rhetorical' [as you so aptly convey your message, while writing most effectively!] "flowers" [oh my! if one researches the Jacaranda tree, they will find that it is a tree with small purplish bell-shaped flowers [much like a bugle blowing taps for the dead and signaling victory over the destruction!]...and it has delicate fern-like leaves which give the appearance of a feather...a feathery soft touch to the earth, much like a mother would delicately touch the brow of her child to comfort him/her...I also associate 'feathery' with birds soaring high, in this case soaring high above the destruction...THEN we get to the flowers which are suspended from many tiny leaflets...panicles in a pyramidal loosely branched flower cluster which cascade over the mud, draping sorrow!...'Pyramidal' brings to mind the Pyramids [burial places of the dead] in which the sloping sides of the pyramid represented to the Egyptians the 'slanting rays of the sun on which the dead may ascend to join the gods after their death'...ah, beautiful pyramids of Jacaranda flowers covering the destruction] "cover mud;" [beauty amongst all that destruction]... "California" [the place where the destruction is rampant, but the Jacaranda blooms tower over the muck and mire, signaling rebirth of the earth and spirit!] BRAVO Roni! I admire your work! Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-06-07 13:13:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Rachel, This is a lovely haiku. I don't think I ever saw a Jacarandas and now I am sorry because I know they must be beautiful. Such a beauty straight from heaven to cover something as ugly as mud. The next time I go to California I shall ask someone to show me a Jacarandas!! Wonderful...as usual. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-06-07 06:46:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Once more you have captured the essence of Haiku in true form my friend.......sad to see it is about those horrific mud slides you are prone to having there.....the flower mentioned I have no clue as to what it might look like so I will have to go check it out as I so love nature, flowers, etc. Rebecca has mentioned all the help you have extended to her with this form of poetry....well appreciated...thanks for posting be safe, God Bless, Claire
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