This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-06-10 09:39:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Thunder Huddled upon my softened bed
Hearkened thunder crashed about
Lightening flashes made me dread
Trees nude of bark gave doubt
Angel-spirit of rain rang out
Skittered and scattered overtop
Filled and spilled a waterspout
Starlit raindrops went slip-slop
The long night was dark and wet
Soon heaven's light went out
Daylight shone and dawn was set
Flowers yawn and mountains shout
Even grasses smile therein
Sinews of thunder calm throughout
Bright my lamp-less room within
And gone moons melancholy pout |
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Copyright © June 2005 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-06-28 12:59:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88571
MT:
How I missed this I will never know, but I found it by looking to the bottom
of my list of poems to be critiqued. I am so surprised that I didn’t see it when
you first posted it. You could have written this for me! It has so many elements
I especially love. But let’s get write to it. (pun intended)
"Thunder"
You got me right there with the title. I have always loved thunder, even as a small
child when it frightened me. Deliciously scary, it was. ;)
Huddled upon my softened bed
Hearkened thunder crashed about
Lightening flashes made me dread
Trees nude of bark gave doubt
You start right out with sounds I love, especially the soft ‘f’, ‘h’ and ‘th’ sounds.
And you rhyme! LOL! I love that and your meter. It varies a little so as not to
be sing-songy. But best of all, next to the sonics, the imagery! There is your
wit underlying it. I can just see you smiling as you write. For example, in
the line “trees nude of bark gave doubt.” I am so visual. I can’t help seeing
these trees cross their legs at their ‘tree knees’ in embarrassment. After all,
the lightning is spotlighting them, right there in their nudeness. LOL!
And then, (forgive me) I reversed the word order when I first read this
line and got “Trees nude of doubt gave bark” and I heard them baying
at the lightning. LOL!
Angel-spirit of rain rang out
Skittered and scattered overtop
Filled and spilled a waterspout
Starlit raindrops went slip-slop
Here you are at your best, really on a roll – the first line just rings, and the
second one skitters, and you use onomatopoeia delightfully and skillfully.
“filled and spilled a waterspout” is so auditory, and is the entire stanza.
As an aside, when it rains, I open windows, to hear the rain feathering
the roof, and the sound of the raindrops on my wooden deck will send
me into reverie. Not only that, you put starlight on the raindrops!
Pure magic, MT-style.
The long night was dark and wet
Soon heaven's light went out
Daylight shone and dawn was set
Flowers yawn and mountains shout
More humor, with the first line above. You ought to live here in the PNW, near
Seattle where all it does is rain, rain, rain. And the weirdest thing is, I love it.
Must be adaptation. I am reminded of a certain line from that inevitable
yearly contest, the Bulwer-Lytton, – you know the one:
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals,
when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London
that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of
the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
Even grasses smile therein
Sinews of thunder calm throughout
Bright my lamp-less room within
And gone moon’s melancholy pout
Ta! You made the grasses smile. I am almost (well truthfully I am) jealous.
I love the way you write “lamp-less” in L2. And the way you depicted the
Moon without her “melancholy pout.” Heck, I just love the entire poem!!!
This is a welcome treat for this lamp-less, at times melancholy, moon-loving
reader. You got me in every favorite category. Now if you’d just throw in
some nice music in a minor key, I’d be in heaven. <smile>
Great stuff!!
My best always,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-25 23:57:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42105
Great meter, rhyme and flow throughout. This is an excellent piece of work. The images are colorful and vibrant popping through the verses. "Flowers yawn and mountains shout" What a great characterization you have here. and here too "even grasses smile therein". I like the alitteration in "Skittered and scattered overtop." The use of 'Hearkened'in the first verse relates well to the mention of 'angel-spirit' in the second verse. There are so many goodies in this! Great job Marilyn. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Always enjoy it! Thanks for sharing it with us.
Mandie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-06-24 22:47:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi M.T.,
Your poem brings back some of my earliest memories. I have memories before I could walk, my wife says that’s impossible, but none the less it’s true.
I remember being “huddled” in bed listening to the thunder as a storm would approach. I would get up out of bed and go to the window watching the front hit and the wind begin to blow. Praying to God that a tornado wouldn’t come. I remember the sight of the trees for just a moment while the lightening flashed; they looked naked in the whiteness.
Huddled upon my softened bed
Hearkened thunder crashed about
Lightening flashes made me dread
Trees nude of bark gave doubt
And then the rain would come and the thunder would grow as distant as the occasional flash of lightening. The rain would fall, droplets of water clinging to the window pane, running down the glass, while all that could be heard was the pitter patter of rain drops on the roof top as soft as the beating of angel wings. You capture my memories with your writing and you do it so well.
Angel-spirit of rain rang out
Skittered and scattered overtop
Filled and spilled a waterspout
Starlit raindrops went slip-slop
And then I would climb back into my bed, pull the covers up and fall to sleep like a disappearing star. Feeling the cool humidity set in. As I dreamed of morning.
The long night was dark and wet
Soon heaven's light went out
Daylight shone and dawn was set
Flowers yawn and mountains shout
Yes, to wake like the flower, “yawning” to the sun, who’s no soft shoulder when it comes to sleepiness. And rush to the window knowing that the wind and rain didn’t wash away the world. It was still there. And I was thankful.
Even grasses smile therein
Sinews of thunder calm throughout
Bright my lamp-less room within
And gone moons melancholy pout
Even the “grasses” would smile. And there was so much mud to go and find night crawlers in. Great for fishing. If there was enough run off in the morning it was always fun to take little sticks and berries and pretend that they were boats racing a river.
M.T., I enjoyed your descriptions, similes, rhyme, and overall content. Good luck with the contest this month. Your voice is as fun, fresh and electric as the morning after a storm.
Stay dry,
Troy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul H. Roefs On Date: 2005-06-17 20:36:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
I'm not a good critique-person, because of my lack of any formal training as a poet. You have been so helpful to me and I know doing critiques is something we all should do. By looking at the number of critiques per poem, one can see that more of us must step up to the plate and do the best we can. That said, I will give it a try.
This poem is beautifully write, nice alliteration and the imagery is excellent. However, I had some difficulty with the 4th stanza, line 1,2 and 3.
Line 1 "Sinews of thunder calm thoughout" Do you mean that the powerful thunder had stopped?
This thunder can not "bright" the lamp-less room
within." But, "lightning" could. lightning being the
light part and thunder being the powerful noisy part
of most rain storms. I may have this wrong.
Line 3 " And goes moons melancholy pout." I take it you meant "moon's"
I hope I've helpful, but I see I'm stepping out on thin ice. I have read the less critical reviews by others who have read your poem. I think you're a wonder poet and I look forward to reading more of your work.
LOL, Don Pablo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-14 14:06:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44444
Marilyn,
Your wording is eloquent in it's discriptions. I could feel the comfort of the bed while that uneasy feeling of something lerky sends feelings of discomfiture during the night, the loneliness of the thunder and storm intensifying the feeling. Then the blessing of a storms rain begins to ease the anxiety that has pervaded the spirit, it's rhythm bringing more logical thought. As night turns to morning, all things are new and the mood of potential doom and gloom lifts as all of nature awakens. I could smell the rain, the air electric and the emptiness that sometimes fills the night hours. Thank you for a pleasant read.
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-06-12 15:33:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86364
Thunder has been rolling in the mountain surrounding my little farm here in Tully most of the afternoon. Temps have reached over ninety once more, very unusual for this time of the year.....the rains fell, the sun was out, it was amazing, I searched for a rainbow but found none........
Thunder........good title for this one, good structure and word flow.......images and sounds come forth and your bed sounds so inviting to sit or lay out the storm in the night......Angel-spirit of rain rang out.......love the way you put that my friend......my little granddaughter, four year old Abby is fearful of thunder storms..........she would run, hide and not come out till it was over no matter what..
I love the way you ended this one too with bringing forth the new day with all its beauty after the night of trouble and storm.....one can associate life that way as well......the calm before the storm and the joy of making it through. Thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-06-10 23:15:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Marilyn,
It was just yesterday that the heat wave over Calcutta relented and gave way to rain and thunder. Finding this poem at the top of my list this morning, is especially welcome.
Set to a rhyme scheme which does give this piece a sing-song touch (like the rhythm of rainfall itself), the poet gives us a picture of Lightning, rain and thunder, while she is huddled in her 'softened bed'. I like the way the 'hearkened' thunder, 'angel-spirit of rain', 'heaven's light' lightning, work as a team in this one to create the desired effect. Some of the movement, sounds and images in this one are energetic and impressionable - 'hearkened thunder crashed about', 'trees nude of bark', 'skittered and scattered overtop', 'starlit raindrops', 'flowers yawn and mountains shout', etc.
The poem ends with a calm and hushed world lazily waking up after a cozy night.
If I could make a suggestion at this stage, it would be to mix up the rhyme scheme a little - about/doubt, out/spout, out/shout, throughout/pout. There may be too many 'out' sounds in the rhyme which isolates the top/slop rhyme in verse 2.
You might have mis-spelt 'lightning' in verse 1, line 3.
As always, a pleasurable read, Marilyn, and I look forward to reading many more.
Take Care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-06-10 15:47:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
Are you sure you weren't a quest in my home on this night? [LOL] It has been raining here for days upon days! We are expecting a tropical storm to hit the Gulf Coast this weekend, so our Saturday and Sunday forecast calls for more storms! When will it ever end?
Nice rhythm and rhyme, allitereation, and personification in this one....it paints a vivid picture of a stormy night and the daylight clear that follows.
I hope you aren't experiencing as much rain as we have had here!
Later,
Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-06-10 12:55:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn:
Have I seen this one before? The imagery of a night storm of thunder
and rain has stayed with me. I often use this format of four stanzas
rhymed, with unforced meter.
Dear friend, your continued lack of punctuation continues to drive me
up one of your barkless trees. (:). Or as Troy says: (HeeHee). Do check
out his work. I won't reiterate every rhyme, poetics, et al, in this one.
Stanza 1, line 3: light(e)ning. The bigger question for me, however, is
why poet tells us (for what purpose?) LIGHTNING MADE HER DREAD and
NAKED TREES GAVE HER DOUBT.
Stanzas 2 and 3 are lovely. Each poem shows what you are doing...to wit:
choosing unique and crisp descriptors, giving the poem that certain
panache. Sometimes it is a mere word that gives the piece the elan for
which you were seeking or so I suppose.
S 3 has some dawn/high noon/dawn set? phrasing which is a bit muddled
and you're going to tell me to shove it because you're being nitted is no longer
enjoyable. Ergo, I will lighten up after this... is moon's possessive?
A rich, lyrical piece which will do well here, I think.
Sweet Marilyn, this is the best I can do right now.
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-06-10 10:55:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Marilyn,
I love to read form poetry, as it's something that I'm too wayward to write most times (smile). This one was "just right." The title is simple enough and it allows you to do justice to it in every line.
I like that you stick to form without forcing or compromising what you began. The length of this poem suggests that it's something that you put your heart and soul into, or you're just really gifted, and you are (smile).
You stick to rhyme, rhythm and meter in every stanza, and when you can choose a form like this and carry it through successfully, it's like graduating from college. Another sign of completion. Everybody can't or won't do this. Free verse is a beautiful thing, and I admire poets who write free verse. But I think that many young writers have become too lazy to even try this type of thing you've accomplished in THUNDER.
I think my favorite line is "flowers yawn and mountains shout" In poetry I love personification and alliteration. "Skiitered and scattered," and "filled and spilled" were creative additives for the poem. I used them a lot. You personify nature in this poem so wonderfully. You bring us the storm and then after the storm, and it's a thing of beauty.
This poem made me think of how everything has its place in life, right down to the last flower petal and the last drop of rain that falls.
You have done something that works so well here. You give a whole new picturesque meaning to the word "thunder." I'm sure that when I hear it, I'll think of this poem and all that came within it. Thanks for sharing. Great job.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
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