This Poem was Submitted By: Donna Carter Soles On Date: 2005-06-25 23:08:45 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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These Eyes

Silence becomes a silent cry... A whisper of the heart or the whisper of a lie? A wail, a scream soon tears apart my soul, my mind, my beating heart! I know I can never escape these echoes of lies and the darkness which fills my lifeless, blind eyes!

Copyright © June 2005 Donna Carter Soles


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-07-06 09:52:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87037
Donna: This despairing poem is easy to read. And I think you speak to your own experience, and likely to the experience of all of us, if we are honest. For it is a universal human trait, I feel, to find that we are at times in ‘blind alleys’ if you will, or undergoing a ‘dark night of the soul’ at times. You have used sound effectively to convey emotion in this work, for example, with long vowels of “silence/cry/lie/mind/soul/lies” and especially “lifeless/blind/eyes.” These suggest intensity of emotions, whether pain or joy. Your soft, yielding w’s in “whisper/wail” evoke a sense of one having yielded to the encompassing sense of hopelessness. I truly hope that the ‘blind eyes’ are a metaphor for not having ‘seen’ something which is referred to in L3 of S1 and not literal (as I believe is the case). I also enjoyed your use of sibilance all through the poem. It is effective in stimulating emotions. What I longed for at the end was some hope of relief. But this poem is what it is, and it is unabashedly an outcry. I've enjoyed reading and commenting on this work and thank you for the opportunity to do so. Brava! My very best, Joanne


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-07-01 17:21:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76000
Donna, I am touched by this poem, as you have captured the essesnce of one who feels betrayed by an un-named source, be it a person, an event in your life in which you were harmed physically and emotionally [the emotional scars seem to scream out at me from your words], or life in general due to the fact that you have never overcome this abuse/betrayal in whatever form it may have occured. ***Just a suggestion: how would it sound if you omitted some of the a's and the's, and even out the meter in the lines? Something like: silence becomes silent cry... whisper of heart, whisper of lie? a wail, a scream tears apart my soul, my mind, my beating heart! I know I can never escape echoes of lies, darkness which fills my lifeless, blind eyes! This is just a suggestion, which in my mind would even out the meter and rhythm. Also, the line breaks would allow the reader to absorb each line in a deeper fashion. It works either way. Now, to the heart of the poem! Silence becomes a silent cry... [what a vivid image of suffering you create here...in your silence, you elicit a silent cry for whatever has happened in your life that causes your darkness/pain] A whisper of the heart or the whisper of a lie? [these two lines indicate to me that you are unable to distinguish between truth and lies that have filled your life...the use of the word 'whisper' indicates to me that this feeling of angst silently pulls at your soul/ever present in your mind] A wail, a scream soon tears apart [in reflection, the silent cry of the soul, mind and heart becomes a wail, the silence unbearable for you any longer] my soul, my mind, my beating heart! [reaching the very core of your essence] I know I can never escape these echoes of lies and the darkness which fills [the 'echoes of lies' indicates to me that you have lived with them for a long, long time, and they are the source of the darkness which blinds your eyes, makes your body feel lifeless, as if not of any worth....the person/situation filling your soul with these lies has made you feel worthless..how sad a picture you paint, very vividly, I must say!] my lifeless, blind eyes! Donna, the theme is presented well here...I hope you find a way to fill your eyes with light again [you or whomever you wrote this piece for]. Keep writing, as you do it well! Later, Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2005-06-27 07:36:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
These Eyes Silence becomes a silent cry...A whisper of the heart or the whisper of a lie? A wail, a scream soon tears apart my soul,my mind,my beating heart!I know I can never escape these echoes of lies and the darkness which fills my lifeless, blind eyes! Dear Donna, So great to read one of your poems again. You are so well written and you write with such intensity that it gives me goose bumps. This poem is intense and is written with an indepth insight that I only hope to capture. Silence becomes a silent cry (amazing how you can use silence to silent and it digs deep into the heart. The same with whisper of the heart to whisper of a lie...( the analogy of the two make such a twist on life). Soon the scream can be so desperate that it can rip apart the soul, mind, and heart. Now, that is so intense I had to hold my breath for what came next. There are somethings in life that we can't escape, the thoughts flash through ones being of the pain of lies and does leave a void of being able to see what we thought or hoped we would have seen before it left us in this state. A deep, enchanting poem that leaves me in wonder. Very well written, the rhyme is superb, and you have written another great, indepth poem. Great job! My very best to you, Debbie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-26 23:12:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45614
Donna, Well structures and just the right wording. As the thought pattern moves to a different elevation in intensity you have taken this reader along with a heightening of emotions. Yes, I too would rage and never quite knowing what is truth or lies is a horrendus mind pit. Literally or figuratively "blind eyes" is a most frustratingly angry place to be. These words carry double meaning to me, both physically and emotionaly. Your offering is very deep and I know I will ponder your words further. Thank you, this is like a wake up call, and even if the eyes refuse or can not see; the ears and heart have heard you. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-06-26 15:20:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Donna, This is gut wrenching sad. Someone lied and is full of guilt, pain, sorrow. Maybe it would be good to fix it......either by acceptance, forgiveness, change. We must realise the humaness and give a bit of leeway to themselvs. I've learned it's not helpful to anyone by being so miserable.Least of all to yourself. I'd go talk with someone, pastor like and get his 'take' on it. We all need peace within. Good poignant poem that grabs the gut! And won't let go...... Could have a better title... smiles to you Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2005-06-26 07:39:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Dear Donna, There is more than enough desperation evident within these few stanzas. It definitely has an emotinal impact on the reader - wondering what conflict or inner turmoil the writer is experiencing. To never be able to escape a situation is profoundly depressing. Could it be an illness with no cure? You do say blind eyes, but this could be a metaphor. Lies, tends to lead me more towards abuse, also darkness, wail and scream. At best, the writer is living with something they can no longer tolerate - which is expressed in each of the stanzas. I can only offer my sympathy - and hope to you that whatever it is - will be mended and that you find the courage to make it happen. Good post. Sincerely, DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-25 23:17:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42105
Silence becomes a silent cry... A whisper of heart or whisper of lie? A wail, a scream soon tears apart (just a few adjustments that i think might help the flow...although it flows well for the most part.) my soul my mind my beating heart! (i love this stanza) I know I can ne'er escape these echoes of the lies and darkness which fills my lifeless, blinded eyes! (again subtle adjustments for flow) All that technical stuff aside...i love this piece. I am left wondering are you blind, or are you speaking of being blind to what is right in front of us. As a victim of severe abuse growing up, i dissociated most of the experiences and locked them away in my head. This piece screams at me and reminds me of so many bits of evidence that were and are often right in front of me that i couldn't see because of the 'lies' i told myself to get through it all. And silence...a huge part it played...you may want to read my poems titled "Prison" and "Silence" - this poem reminds me of these. Great work here...Thanks for sharing it! Mandie
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