This Poem was Submitted By: Sean Donaghy On Date: 2005-07-08 15:08:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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The Rain Upon the Heather The rain upon the heather makes for deeper thought
cascading as it does from out dark clouds.
It tells us what we do isn't always what we ought
but rain can cleanse the dirtiest of shrouds.
Where does the sunshine go when the sky's so wet?
They say it hides behind the wren's soft call.
Now, who'd believe the tiny wren could shield the sun and, yet,
some mighty things are done by birds so small.
The rivulets of rain run down the hillside
and course like widow's tears into the earth
reminding us of all the things we must abide
and just how much one simple life is worth.
God bless the rain and all of those it comes upopn.
God bless the earth when ere the rain does fall
Let your soul be washed by rain 'til all your sins are gone.
You'll find the sun behind the wren's soft call. |
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Copyright © July 2005 Sean Donaghy
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-08-07 15:18:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82500
Written like an Irish tune. And written in sonnet-like form. Where I live there is plenty of heather on the west coast of Canada.
Where does the sunshine go when the sky's so wet?..............I'd suggest "sun" instead of aunshine.
They say it hides behind the wren's soft call..................suggest 'neath the wren's soft call
Now, who'd believe the tiny wren could shield the sun and, yet,
some mighty things are done by birds so small.
The rivulets of rain run down the hillside.........suggest to take out "The". Start with Rivulets....
and course like widow's tears into the earth
reminding us of all the things we must abide.......suggest "reminding us of things we must abide"
and just how much one simple life is worth.
God bless the rain and all of those it comes upopn.........typo "upon"
God bless the earth when ere the rain does fall
Let your soul be washed by rain 'til all your sins are gone.
You'll find the sun behind the wren's soft call.
This is a lovely piece and I was quite taken by it. With a few minor tweaks as suggested,it
can become even better. I'd love to hear music with this in some sort of gaelic format.
Thanks for posting this.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-08-03 21:12:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81579
Hi Sean,
I am so glad this poem made it to my list...it is so lovely and reads smoothly especially when read aloud. The word choices are delicious in every stanza...not just scattered here and there but carefully metered out and placed perfectly....cascading as it does from out dark clouds....is beautiful and evokes a clear image in my mind....rain can cleanse the dirtiest of shrouds....I wish I could think of another word for 'dirtiest' because all your other words are so magical, but then there is not a lovely word that means dirty...maybe...soiled or polluted...on the other hand just ignore me....maybe can cleanse an unclean shroud?? 'Where does the sunshine go when the sky's so wet?' is amazing and made me stop and think! Then....they say it hides behind the wren's soft call...this line give the entire piece it's magic and mystic....some mighty things are done by birds so small....love this line...the rivulets of rain run down the hillside and course like widow's tears into the earth...if I had to pick a favorite line I think this would be it...maybe that is because I am a widow and you follow with...reminding us of all the things we must abide...so true...and just how much one simple life is worth....If only all of us could do this life would be so much easier. Your last stanza is profound and poignant and very well written....let your soul be washed by rain til all your sins are gone. You'll find the sun behind the wren's soft call....I will tell you now I shall always listen for the wren's soft call! Well done...this should rate very high on the winners list this month!
Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-07-13 16:25:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sean--My favorite form: end rhimes. And, you've done it so well. The piece seem to
flow in sequence and as easily as;
"The rivulets of rain run down the hillside
and course like widow's tears into the earth..."
Sribe has penned a tribute to one of nature's universal substance, which without it-
no life would be sustained. Credit given to the almighty God, creator of all things.
The post covers sins and redemption in a non-preachy way. Combination of elements,
wren, end rhymes and descriptives phrases not only conjure up glorious imagery, but
produce sonorous rhythm. This is superbly done, I hope I didn't mistate your intentions.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-07-09 12:29:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Beautifully structured and beautifully penned poet.......the words used bring tolife the contents of this nice easy read.......allows for images to come forth along with feelings and emotions.....to feel the rain fall against your face, to feel your own tears falling as does the rain against your face......the soul being cleansed by this rainfall is a wonderful thought and one that we should hold onto........The Lord washed away our sins when He died on the cross and can you imagine all the new ones that have been committed since..........yet, He waits to wash them away again..........Thank you for posting and sharing this with us, it has touched my heart and I am sure it will touch many others.....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joyce P. Hale On Date: 2005-07-09 06:30:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Sean, this is a stunning write that flows beautifully. Starts with statements telling the reader what the poem's about, follows with questions and what I love - flights into fancy that take normal every-day events and turn them into lovely whimsey; then facts, then blessing and an analogy of earth and our souls, and the final touch of fancy again, to leave the reader with a hushed feeling. (I believe "when ere" in the last verse should have an apostrophe - *whene'er.*) A soft, lulling write......
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-07-08 23:53:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Sean,
The rain upon the heather makes for deeper thought
cascading as it does from out dark clouds.
It tells us what we do isn't always what we ought
but rain can cleanse the dirtiest of shrouds.
Such imagery, heather as an aroma therapy is most relaxing giving way to introspection or contemplation, for me the rain does this also and the two coupled together make a heady scent and are most thought provoking. Always we have to thoughts in the back of our minds of our misdeeds but you have offered a way of cleansing, like the tears of angels.
Where does the sunshine go when the sky's so wet?
They say it hides behind the wren's soft call.
Now, who'd believe the tiny wren could shield the sun and, yet,
some mighty things are done by birds so small.
Like a child’s simple innocent question and the gentle answer that is often given one who questions. You have painted the picture well of how something so small and often taken for granted can play such a major roll in life’s balance.
The rivulets of rain run down the hillside
and course like widow's tears into the earth
reminding us of all the things we must abide
and just how much one simple life is worth.
This is in it’s simplicity is so eloquently stated, a fact that just is, a preponderance of how all things work and all has value.
God bless the rain and all of those it comes upopn. (type-o, upon)
God bless the earth when ere the rain does fall
Let your soul be washed by rain 'til all your sins are gone.
You'll find the sun behind the wren's soft call.
In the end we all, big and small have the final call, and hopefully are blessed enough to bare witness to all the wonder that is laid out before us. Sound structuring and well formatted, your rhyming words make this sing, almost like a child’s poem but of course it is much deeper than that, it has an innocent quality about it which leads one to want to read and reread this offering. Thank you so much for this pleasurable read. I look forward to more of your work.
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-07-08 18:55:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sean:
Welcome back! I haven’t seen you on the link since “Sweet Marie.”
It’s a pleasure to see another of your poems. First of all, I am very
partial to Irish-anything, as it is a part of my own heritage. Then, I
do love lyrical poems like this, with gentle meter and soft rhymes.
I cannot help but hear it sung in with an Irish brogue. Which is a long
way around to say that you had my attention just beginning with
your title. Sooner or later I will get around to commenting on the
poem itself. :) Beginning with the title. It’s lovely, giving the
reader a foretaste of the poem’s theme and tone. Soft sounds
in ‘rain/heather’ and very soft plosive in ‘upon.’
The rain upon the heather makes for deeper thought
cascading as it does from out dark clouds.
It tells us what we do isn't always what we ought
but rain can cleanse the dirtiest of shrouds.
I think you are showing us here that no matter the regret for
past actions, but no one and no action is beyond redemption,
no matter how we term it according to our own beliefs. Often
dwelling in the past yields little but darker images, but you
give us motion with the meter to look on into S2:
Where does the sunshine go when the sky's so wet?
They say it hides behind the wren's soft call.
Now, who'd believe the tiny wren could shield the sun and, yet,
some mighty things are done by birds so small.
Wonderful imagery with “wren’s soft call.” The wren seems a
metaphor for a spiritual messenger, who may, I understand, come
in many forms. The auditory images of the rain’s sound and the
call of the wren are so charming and engaging that I think the
weariest soul could be called out of the glooms by these.
The rivulets of rain run down the hillside
and course like widow's tears into the earth
reminding us of all the things we must abide
and just how much one simple life is worth.
The key thought in the stanza above, at least for this reader, seems
to be the value of “one simple life” which each reader possesses.
The reminder of innate value, and the parallel of the ‘rivulets
of rain’ with ‘widow’s tears’ suggest that both add to the moisture
and suppleness of earth. A reminder that all experience is worthwhile.
Many thanks for this refreshing work! I enjoyed it immensely. Please
favor us with more.
My best to you,
Joanne
God bless the rain and all of those it comes (upon.)
God bless the earth when ere the rain does fall
Let your soul be washed by rain 'til all your sins are gone.
You'll find the sun behind the wren's soft call.
The thought of surrender to cleansing rain (or tears), to
allow preoccupation with past errors or shortfalls to
dissipate or dissolve seems very inviting here. Nothing
to hold one back like being stuck in reviewing one’s
considered failings! The final line’s advice to listen
to the voice of the wren (the inner voice?) and look
(be curious about) for the sun, and future is heartening
and inspiring.
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