This Poem was Submitted By: Donna Carter Soles On Date: 2005-08-19 03:20:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Demon Night (Thou shalt not kill)
Innocent souls
are treading the city.
Malicious eyes lie in wait.
With nostrils flared,
he smells the blood of many.
This blood he needs
for his lascivious life.
Footsteps are coming
ever nearer...
Destiny unfolds
her wicked wings--
A sudden, hellish scream rips open the night!
But goes unheard
within the sound-proof walls
of this godforsaken city.
The demoniac murderer has wetted his tongue.
There is a truth that he cannot hear.
A Lie which becomes his soulless fear.
In blasphemous contempt,
he exenterates his victim.
Counts the thrills
by enumeration.
The blood flows
like candescent gore!
Blood of the innocent,
blood of the deceived
d
r
i
p
s from the lips
of a lowly, bastard demon.
The feeding is over.
His belly full of abomination.
The insidious demon walks quietly away...
There is a silent chill
throughout the city--an unknown terror
of a blood-thirsty, meticulous devil.
His mind begins racing,
burning and churning
as the wind brings him
a message
of his treacherous ways:
Thou shalt not kill...
Thou shalt not kill...
THOU SHALT NOT KILL!
Meaningless words.
No heed is taken.
There is no atonement
for his sins.
His figure becomes evanescent
in the demon night...
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Copyright © August 2005 Donna Carter Soles
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-08-30 11:01:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25926
This indeed is a chilling poem, and well crafted especially when you dropped the writing to
signify drips. Yes, you are right, "Thou shalt not kill" doesn't mean much, and I know it
never enters into most of their minds during the act of killing. Having had a stint as a Psychiatric Nurse on a criminal forensic unit, I have talked to many of them. Most without a conscience; others out
of hatred and couldn't care less. this is a "chilling" reminder of what I once had to face (talking and counselling) murderers and rapists, etc. I lasted 5 years in that unit.BTW, you use the male as your subject.
Please don't forget that females are becoming more and more obvious in the killing field. They, the females, were once protected by the police, the courts, etc. inasmuch as dismissing them saying, "she couldn't have done that, she's a mother". Such is our great society. Penalties do not help. Even the death penalty (which we don't have here in Canada). I don't know whether or not to thank you (tongue in cheek here).
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-08-24 20:37:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Donna, this is compelling even as it builds horror upon horror. It well suits the gothic genre but I can easily read more into it. The contemporary political scene seems to have spawned several demonic characters who violate the edict against killing because of their own lust for control, wealth and nationalstic acclaim.
With nostrils flared,
he smells the blood of many.
This blood he needs
for his lascivious life.
"He" could be a vampire sort of individual, or he could be a terrorist in human form, still driven by the urge to draw blood. Later, he is described as "blasphemous" which also seems in character with a possible allegorical interpretation.
I find it very interesting, too, that you portray destiny as female. This sets up an oppositional force between the demon and what lures him forward.
There is a silent chill
throughout the city--an unknown terror
of a blood-thirsty, meticulous devil.
His mind begins racing,
burning and churning
as the wind brings him
a message
of his treacherous ways:
Hmmm, "meticulous" suggests a carefully-designed plan of action. Use of the word "terror" again might connect to a topical treatment of this theme. And in the end, we get the news on "the wind", which might gratify such a sadistic type. Much as the media can serve to glamorize and glorify those who kill for some sort of "public good", which causes them to invade other countries and lose their own allies in the process.
Or it could be solely a story of diabolical evil and, as such, is equally gripping.
Good to read your work again. It's been awhile!
Take Care,
Brenda
www.brendatate.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joyce P. Hale On Date: 2005-08-21 16:24:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Excellent write, Donna! It starts the reader off with the darkness of the city, of victim and perpetrator, and the deed. Lines are vivid and horrid, descriptive and mind-painting. It seems to be the perfect image of what we seem to see so much of in these days.... killers without consciences and regret. Bravo!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-08-19 15:52:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Donna,
What comes to mind is the feeling of an animal, it's killing has the purposee of
survival. The animal doesn't murder but it is his means to continue living. We humans
eat dead flesh. Never blinking an eye knowing of the slaughter. It's food for us to survive.
So your demon is also trying to survive.
I always like the underdog. I like your d r i p s.
Fun poem........scary.......
but a unusual thought beneathe itg all.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-08-19 14:09:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Donna,
Well I don't know who this Vampire (?) is or where he came from but your story surely got my attention! You have woven an intriguing and compelling tale that commands the reader to continue even though some of the descriptors are chilling and horrible. You know the saying 'that is terrible, tell me more?" or something to that effect....you have done that here..the worse it gets the more we must read even though we know it cannot have a happy ending. I will try to list some of the most spine tingling lines but I know I won't get them all....with nostrils flared he smells the blood of many...footsteps are coming even nearer...destiny unfolds her wicked winge...a sudden hellish scream rips (wonderful) open the night...but goes unheard...the demonic murderer his tongue...the blood flows like candescent gore (goose bumps!) the form you used for...drip from lips..is very effective..well done...his belly full of abomination (nothing could be worse than that)..nauseating thought...even the commandment...thou shalt not kill..means nothing to this demon..this horror of the night. I cannot help but be reminded of the BTK killer and what I have seen of him on T. V....he certainly is a monster and no better than the one you so aptly describe here. Well done and sure to be a winner!...I still have goose bumps!
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2005-08-19 09:39:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Donna,
Percy Shelley would have been drawn to you.
I am sitting in a puddle. There are a number of different fluids that could be the source of the flood. I am afraid to look.
Nice beginning.
Do you live in Philly?
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-08-19 04:53:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Demon Night (Thou Shall Not Kill) certainly is a good title for this one poet.......you have the hair on my body standing up straight with this read........the structure is well done, the word flow brings for many images of demons that indeed do walk the city streets at night while other demons walk during the day. I feel you are speaking of the blood sucking vampire here within these lines and that does scare me. You have also projected so many night sounds and if you listen closely you too can hear You Shall Not Kill....Thank you for posting and sharing with us. I have no suggestions for as stated this one kept me reading till the end. God Bless, Claire
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