This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2005-08-20 20:48:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Beautiful Energy Enormous energy
slipped into every crack
of the hard worn road traveled
flat and dry
Yet dusty and midstream
colder in the bones than normal
A halo of trust begins to circle
water pours down into the road
A sprig of life is found amid
one cracked vein
Vanities lair has gone on hiatus
riches are found in feelings
laying aside the day and night
As beauty fades
she still might crave
the knight to spill
out his professed love
on the pavement between
heaven and hell
By my tongue
I’m forced to see the truth
No sense to be naive
The grains of life should see the sun
not hide between
doubts dramatic self-pity
If man is meant to pull me up
the dark should merge to light
Veer then lamb against the cracks
With energy
trust or might
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Copyright © August 2005 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-09-07 17:44:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89130
DeniMari--I've read this umpteenth times and can only offer a spatter of
lucidity. Here goes nothing. The first stanza may refer to heat/energy/
thoughts being stored or harnessed in a particular way; second strophe
appears to be a contrast of and causing a releasing of previous stated
energies helping create life/changes; third-is a setting aside of egoes/
stations/differences and allowing mutual emotions to dictate a relation-
ship during these troubling times; fourth-inference a speaking of hard
truths/reality/tough love; five-ending tries to resolve a question of
what is humanity's role/responsibility toward its weaker enities/members
(brothers keeper?). Vivid imagery and great ambiguous poetical phrases
make this a compelling read. In your response, please shed some lite on
your intriguing post intentions. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-09-05 18:05:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51111
Okay, first of all I must tell you I hate the script you use. It's too small, and hard to read
for us older folk even with corrective lenses. If you've read the Forum in the last month you
will see several references to this.
Okay...Now to the poem. It's okay ..."if man is to pull me up, etc." I don't agree with this
arguement. Only you can do that...maybe with help if necessary, but it is your ultimate choice
to make a decision. Title is okay. Length...a bit too long but well understood. And that is my
opinion.
This Poem was Critiqued By: michaela z sefler On Date: 2005-08-25 19:03:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Very beautiful, I myself write about a perfect knight that I await, I hope it is more then a craving, and I hope he meets me before hell, but the poem is thought provoking with an inspirational ending (I think), I would have a stronger ending with surity, about his might, since it is a verry powerful theme, skeptisism and saviors.
michaela sefler
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-08-24 08:40:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
DeniMari:
I'm doing short critiques, to respond to as many as possible before month's
end. I read this early on and was impressed by it. I think that this is your
finest yet. I especially enjoyed
Vanities lair has gone on hiatus
riches are found in feelings
laying aside the day and night
As beauty fades
she still might crave
the knight to spill
out his professed love
on the pavement between
heaven and hell
It is rich with imagery, texture, color, the word play of "night/knight"
and the vibrancy of "A sprig of life is found amid one cracked vein" I'd
say that the speaker or writer is seeing the cup as half-full and embracing
life as a celebration. Great stuff!!
My best always,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-08-23 16:15:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
DeniMari,
I think us girls were convinced that a knight in shinning armour would come and
take us to the land of milk and honey. This poem feels like those wonderful fantasies
went away like a popped bubble.
Little girls grow up to marry. Men grow up to make money. The picture is distorted.
Neither is actually right. Finding a mate/making money are the bonuses along the way.
The objective never taught is becomming the person you admire yourself to be.
Then when we've learned to value ourselves, we are valued by others/hence a mate is found to
share your life. And as we enjoy our lifes work, we are blessed with posperity or not.
Richness doesn't much matter if you love your work, thats blessings enough.
Culminating in a successful life.
{I just switched tenses as means of preaching to myself}
I get carried off and away on tangents.
I like that your poem did that clarification for me!
Good job.
A man isn't meant to pull one up/they can barely handle themselves...[I think]
hugs as you follow your path.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-08-23 14:08:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi DeniMari,
You have written some amazing lines in this poem and by naming some I don't mean to ignore the rest!...hard road traveled flat and dry...is a wonderful descriptor...colder in the bones than normal..love this...water pours down into the road..a sprig of life is found amid one cracked vein...in this road we travel there is always hope no matter how difficult the trek may be...vanities lair has gone on hiatus...we cast the den of vanity away..riches are found in feelings..this is a very profound statement because "things" are never as precious as our feelings...might crave the knight to spill out his professed love on the pavement between heaven and hell...I love these lines...the 'pavement between heaven and hell' is very clever and so very poetic!...by my tongue I am forced to see the truth..this is so true...the grains of life (wonderful) should see the sun not hide between doubts dramatic self pity...yes, yes, yes!...if man is meant to pull me up the dark shuld merge to light...veer then lamb against the cracks with energy, trust, or might...only you can pull yourself up as only you have the strength to do that..that is just my humble opinion! Well written piece with amazing thoughts throughout...bravo...goes on my list!
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2005-08-22 11:33:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
DeniMari,
There are many reasons to write poetry, and one of them may be that you simply enjoy it. I recognize that. Another reason may simply be that you want to be heard. I recognize that too. But I'll give you some of my thoughts on the craft of poetry.
A poem is more "how you say it" than what is said. Obviously. Or else why not just write an editorial, or an entry in a journal. You have a great line in here, " [v]anities lair has gone on hiatus." You may mean "vanity's," but anyway. There is such an effective and complex manipulation of vowel sounds in that line that is fantastic. And the eye, in reading, can't help but be charmed by all those As and Is. The repetition of the "n" from vanities in gone is nice too. Now, you may not want to write the whole poem with that type of sound design, it could be cloying. But you should aim at other effects, maybe metrical, or rhymic, whatever, to keep the reader's imagination alive in the encounter with something new or unique, something which entertains by its construction and takes one into the realm of poetry. Like you do in the last stanza, which is really fine, also:
If man is meant to pull me up
the dark should merge to light
Veer then lamb against the cracks
With energy
trust or might
The predominant iambs of the first two lines work nicely to set up that "Veer" in line 3. And then a return to rhyme in the last line was also very effective. The totally unique use of "lamb" as a verb - also very effective. Wonderful stanza.
In looking back, the stanza that I thought was weak, "By my tongue," is not as bad as I thought. The last line, with its sudden abundance of stress, somewhat saves it, but the first four lines were rather weak, I thought.
So really clever construction and design here.
Nice poem.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-08-21 15:54:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95652
This is some poem, and I gather so many images just from reading it line by line. It has a mythical, mystical tone to it, but beneath every allusion and imagery is a very real situation, perhaps a woman with the desire to be pulled from the depths by this energy of which you write, this beautiful energy.
I think that it's also very interesting that you chose ENERGY to offset the poem. Energy comes in various forms, and it can inhabit so many places and things and people. What a pheonemenal subject to include in a poem.
I also found leaping at me from every angle, this image of cracks and energy emanating or resurfacing to save the day or the individual in need.
The language is different here. The elevation of it adds a provocative and profound flair to the poem. It's not just an everyday poem, and I think that you're written a piece to be very proud of here.
I like how it all comes together in a simple, yet complex way. It's the kind of poem that readers like to read over and over again to internalize every word and every meaning.
Congratulations on a great write, and I like the idea of "darkness merging to light" when man picks us up. That's beautiful energy.
Great job.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
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