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This Poem was Submitted By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2005-09-09 09:18:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Senyru 818

olive green sports coat grey tie just touches his belt pink slip on his desk.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2005-10-06 20:15:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
it was early, and the morning streamed in through the fog, through the window above the steaming radiator. His olive coat, nothing if not alive, hid its stains well. Why he wore grey, not gray, ties, that was about June. You had to underestimate him to think him worried.

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-05 16:04:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70732
Okay, that makes for a perfect Senyru. Funny one too. But no wonder there is a pink slip on his desk...Companies do not like men to wear green...it's a sign of weakness (true).

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2005-10-02 16:35:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56250
You've written 818 senyrus? My goodness! I would like a different title, it's not particulary expressive but understand the need to keep track. :) I like the color here and I love poems that incorporate clothing (the oft forgotten piece of a person, and an important one) because clothing really does make the man. The pink slip is interesting, because we don't know if it holds a person or not and the ambiguity leads to many separate conclusions one could make. Nice job - must be because you've had a lot of practice with these. :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-09-30 16:50:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Michael, this type of poetry is patterned free verse. There is a must that the images be deeper than the words, and you achieve this. The use of “olive green” immediately puts a visual into our minds. “Sports Coat”, says “dapper” or “cheesy”, we see he wears a “grey tie”, just a bit too long, and begin to see a picture of the man. We don’t know “Pink Slip”, is a universal reality of the loss of a job. I am not sure why this piece sticks with me, maybe because I understand the moment, but I am not sure. I wondered at 818, and searched for a reference, but could not find one. At any rate, there is substance to this verse, and it has been well worth my time spent.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-09-10 22:25:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Michael, Perfectly accurate count and I especially like the way you have started each stanza with a color. Wow, what an explosion of color and truth, the way our lives are....so much said in so few words. Thank you for this offering. Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-09-10 08:56:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Michael–-I can’t discern the relevancy for the number “818" of the title ”Sen*r*yu 818, but does not matter. Your imagery has depicted well a human condition which befall many during downsizing or being let go for other reasons: this snappy dresser has joined the long line of the unemployed. Colorful and concise. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-09-09 21:11:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Michael, have not seen a lot of your work as of late. Nice to see a post again. This classic haiku is sharp and to the point as it should be. The picture is well painted, and clean in its here and now description of his careful attention to dress, his stylish presentation, followed by his cataclysmic demise. The vignette is well orchestrated and leaves the reader with that numb feeling that most of us have experienced in one mode or another. Failure or rejection is not a welcomed prize, especially if one wears a "olive green sports coat." Always a pleasure to comment. Peace, Paul

This Poem was Critiqued By: Gerard A Geiger On Date: 2005-09-09 12:02:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Michael; I love the haiku-like form(5-7-5) although I'm ignorant concerning Senyru, I imagine it has to do with human nature....or occurrences in the human environment. Now you know just how ignorant I am.. Nevertheless, Michael I like your poem. I like the brief succinct accurate way you describe the dapper dress of the man with his Green sports coat and appropriately conservative colored tie which is precisely the proper length for someone who is fastidious.... likes to control things like dress and employment and probably other things in his life....then, you blow the reader out of the calm controlled environment with the next line... pink slip on his desk.... which can only denote a lay-off notice...upsetting his financial applecart...and portending emotional anxiety producing grief for him and his family.... etc. etc.. Some people with green sports coats receive them from their employers as they denote a specific threshold of sales achieved.. or experience gained. If this is true for your main character,then the pink slip is more significant, in that he was a high achiever who has fallen to being fired/let-go. A humbling, humiliating, soulsearching situation....thrust upon someone who clearly dressed as though he was secure with himself and his employment. Ironic, sad, somewhat distressing evoking empathy.... quite a lot in 17 syllables... I cannot improve this...it's wonderful Thanks for the lesson in Senyru... Gerard

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-09-09 10:49:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Ah, the irony. Here he is: perfectly groomed and attired, the ideal employee to all appearances -- but he's fresh out of a job! I also like the subtle wordplay of "pink slip", since a slip can also be an article of clothing (although it obviosuly isn't, here). Indeed, clothes are the metaphor for the man. There's no room for explanations in a senryu. He may have been so conscious of his visual image that he lacked competence elsewhere; he may simply have been a victim of downsizing. What's not being told is intriguing. It's worth noting that each line begins with a color. olive-grey-pink. The drabber hues actually signal success; the brightest represents failure. Not what one might expect! It's always nice to see you posting, Mike. It's been awhile since I've read your work; I hope summer was good to you. Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-09-09 09:27:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ah, the colors! This senyru tells a whole story in just a glance across an office. Fascinating study. Really fine piece Rachel

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