This Poem was Submitted By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-09-10 10:41:18 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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betrayal

trusting my throat laid bare  knowing you hold the blade believing that hope still exists i bleed

Copyright © September 2005 charles r pitts


This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-10-07 14:42:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Charlie, This cinquain gave me the shivers when I read it the first time!...'my throat laid bare' is very chilling...' knowing you hold the blade' has many meanings. The blade could be a perfect metaphor...to me it says that you put trust in someone and that someone holds the strings to your heart or the thread of your life, or is the dominant one in a relationship that only you believe in. You trusted and for that you bleed. I take the bleeding to mean the sadness and depression that follows a failed union. What is more sad than loving someone with all your heart and soul and not have that love given back to you with honesty and trust? Honesty and trust are the two most important parts of any relationship, whether it be marriage, friendship, or just sexual in nature. Humans, unfortunately, are not always trustworthy mostly because we are human and we make human mistakes. Forgive me I seem to be rambling! Anyway another good cinquain from you emotional heart...hope all goes well with you! Peace...Mzsrilyn


This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-10-06 06:57:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow, this is a raw and powerful cinquain! It's hard to condense such intense and bitter emotion into so brief a form, as you've done here. L4 is key; the speaker's belief in hope for the future allows him to offer himself as sacrifice. Does he expect to be destroyed? Perhaps -- but he still permits himself to be both optimistic and vulnerable. In the end, the lower-case "i" suggests that he has lost both personal will and sense of ego, subjugated to his desire. Yet he does "bleed"; the blade is used. Hope is merely a promise not kept. Is this a test or the final blow, the coup de grace? Will the throat be opened and the victim allowed to perish in a flood of unfulfilled passion? Or will the blade-bearer relent and be content with a surface nick, by way of warning? This is a chilling read, but anyone who's ever endured the nastier aspects of love can easily relate to it. Nicely done. Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-02 16:21:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67647
Yikes! Guess the barber got a little too close eh? Oh yeah I've been there and had that done as the saying goes. Well done cinquain Charles.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2005-09-22 23:42:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
What can I say? Love bites? Nicely crafted but dark poem. It almost looks like it's going to be a happy poem, but then you bleed. Life sucks that way sometimes. I like how you made the reader momentarily believe in hope as well.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2005-09-11 17:42:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Most effective!!! The poems submitted in the fashion you have fortify and strenghten the others. It takes great skill to say something large with few words and you have succeeded most marvelously. Enjoyed all four poems...thanks! Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-09-11 12:17:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Charles, Another cinquain!! You certainly have a flair for this form. True to its 2-4-6-8-2 metrical structure and deep in theme, the effort is rich from start to finsih. You've talked of betrayal in this one and I am now seeing a common thread running through your submissions this month. It isn't unlikely for you to write in series, judging by some of the previous poems I have read. Your approach to this theme is as sharp as the act itself and you highlight it with intensity - 'throat laid bare....knowing you hold the blade....bleed'. You give your reader a very real sense of what it feels like to be betrayed. Of course, in true love, even an act of this nature is pardonable and hope does exist. Fine offering!! Take care, Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-09-10 22:28:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Charles, Your cinquian is in perfect count, the philosphical meaning brought home so clearly by your first and last stanzas, of course the beginning and end would be empty without the meat in the middle. Thank you for this deep and thought provoking cinquian. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-09-10 13:11:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Charles--Another lambasting for someone with this (sequel?) somber titled cinquain (you do like this form!). Equally dark is the theme for this superbly chosen verbiage. Scribe has limned a poetic/meta- phoric "death wish." This is good, real good! TLW
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