This Poem was Submitted By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2005-09-18 15:03:20 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Senyru 157

Oleanders shift poison goes sideways a smidge into Donna's dish.

Copyright © September 2005 Michael J. Cluff


This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2005-10-06 19:17:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
How is Donna? She was Oleandering the last time I saw her. Every at bat is a battle. tw


This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-10-03 20:08:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Yeow ... the death-dealing oleander is somehow juxtaposed with an unsuspecting and luckless Donna (whose very name, ironically, comes from the Greek for "gift"). But she's being given something not to her benefit at all! The "shift" of the flowers must have been deliberately accomplished. Plants don't move themselves except in high wind (but then Donna wouldn't be dining al fresco, would she?). It's also possible that the killer isn't using the oleander as a source of poison but, rather, as a place of concealment. The true elixir might be strychnine, perhaps, or some other noxious thing. I just find the deadliness of the plant makes a neat touch here. A very solid, thought-provoking senryu, complete with the obligatory humor and tongue firmly in cheek. I also like the near-rhyme of "shift" and "dish" since for senryu, full rhyme's not expected. This is way more subtle. Good one, Mike! Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-09-24 16:29:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60870
Oookay...don't understand a word of it, but as you can see I have not skipped over this Seyryu. It's format is perfect Syllables and vowels in all the right places and spaces. Now explain it to me.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-09-24 15:46:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Michael, to begin with I like the assonance of your final words, “shift/smidge/dish”, it adds an additional charm to the piece. I feel I have missed something special in this piece for I cannot find a reference anywhere to Donna. I guess, with what I know, the innate beauty of the Oleander, and the vile consequence of eating it, I propose that Donna may be an acquaintance who cannot cook. I do not like it when I miss the metaphor, and cannot research it. So I will tell you what, (aside from the beauty and poison of the oleander) went through my mind: His wife/girl friend cannot cook – this is humor Donna is a pet who got sick from Oleander ending in her dish “Poison goes sideways” – meaning the oleander has a score to settle I did enjoy this piece, and I know, when I send this critique, I will be looking at Joanne’s great analysis, and I will view myself as vile as the oleander’s poison.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2005-09-22 23:25:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Oh no for Donna! I hesitate to write a critique longer than the poem itself, but I do like the alliteration here. I'm not familiar with the structure of a Senyru, but I'm sure this is a good example of one. :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-09-22 17:54:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Michael, Your trying to poison Donna? By accidentally putting a touch of the sap into the dish? I'm drawing a blank here? what does 'going sideways mean? The plant tipped into the dish? Help! Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-09-19 15:04:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84848
Michael, Wonderfully clever, this well structured senyru is a delight with it's odious meaning.....I feel guilty for dnjoying such dark humor, but sense that in some way poetic justice is being served here. Impeccable. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-09-18 17:38:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Once again, you treat us to an enjoyable tidbit from your pen. A small poem as this with its witty bite demonstrates its power in the afterthoughts it stirs in the reader. The sibilance within the first and second words in L1, and each word but single article in L2, and the final two words in the third line almost hiss with a serpentine allusion. The words “poison” and “sideways” in L2 suggest one of the most lethal of the rattlesnake species, the sidewinder, at least to this reader. Also, the end word “smidge” adds humor, giving a rather TIC effect, to my mind. The short ‘i’ throughout also serves to mute or understate the coming drama so that in fact I cannot help but smile, in spite of knowing that the victim, surprisingly named here, is going to have a very uncomfortable digestive tract and possibly heart failure. In short, this poem gives me a kind of guilty pleasure. Very agreeable, indeed. Thanks for this one!
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