This Poem was Submitted By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2005-09-28 20:41:00 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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In a Poem

The queer palpitation has been raging in my heart,  Creating  tumultuous  waves  I am almost drowned to die. How can I pacify this gamut of emotion? Do I have to scream to the horizon? Do I have to wake Eros from his deific repose And beg the talisman of love? For every time I see the Lily among posies of lilies Swaying by the wind in full sheen, I am but a silent Bee Trying to whisper the words through her petals,  But the other bees are buzzing in a riot  They also yearn the luxuriant pollen to fall  And catch them by their wings. So I fluttered backward and wended through the mist of hesitation,  Afraid that the Lily would just scowl her anther and wilt If I see her honey-effusing nectar. So I make myself a poet, And explore the realm of poetry Trying to know the words that befit. And now I can tell you  "I love you," in a poem.

Copyright © September 2005 Jordan Brendez Bandojo


This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-10-06 06:23:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jordan, The extended metaphor of lily and bee is very well done. This is a sensual poem, full of rich imagery -- especially in S3. But first we get the speaker's anguish as he's buffeted by the storms of unrequited love. In S2, the rhetorical questions work nicely to reflect his frustration, and of course they have no answers. So I fluttered backward and wended through the mist of hesitation, Afraid that the Lily would just scowl her anther and wilt If I see her honey-effusing nectar. This is an intense description with a certain sexual implication. The lover feels physical as well as emotional desire. But I believe "anther" is the male part of the flower's reproductive system; the stigma (pistil) is the female part. So it's as if there is a rival for her love, and the scowling anther suggests his attitude. I don't think you need the last two lines, because you've already done this -- said "I love you" -- and we know it from having read the results. So the effect is rather telly, a direct statement. I'd recommend closing with a return to the Bee metaphor. The poet, exploring the poetic realm, is like that same Bee in the flower's heart. Perhaps there's a way to link the idea of lover-bee and poet-bee. I very much like the vividness of your language in this piece. It's a marvelous poem of passion! My best, Brenda


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-10-03 18:54:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jordan: This is lovely, and so enthusiastic! I wonder if you have already presented this to your young woman? If so, I think it is sure to melt her heart. I love the metaphors you have expressed here -- for example: "I am but a silent Bee Trying to whisper the words through her petals" -- so sweet and yet, insistent! I think that Eros has awakened and serves as your muse in this one. I especially love this section of your poem: "So I fluttered backward and wended through the mist of hesitation, Afraid that the Lily would just scowl her anther and wilt If I see her honey-effusing nectar." This is so unique and fresh, and it made me smile! Joyous best wishes, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Cribs On Date: 2005-10-03 12:30:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Jordan This is such a tender poetic album of wistful memorabilia. How deftly you place these ideas. It is touching the way you interlace your memories with other fragments in such a manner as to breathe the breath of your life into all of one you love. And the tribute to the emptiness, that only those who realize what is missing could know. And you take the gift love, make it so full of life. This piece lives, breathes and endures. Well done. Kaz
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2005-09-30 23:30:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41667
Excuse my ignorance, but what is "scowl her anther"? This is a pretty poem, I like the comparison of the beloved Lily to a flower. The first two stanzas are heavier than the remainder, laden with large vocabulary words. I don't know which part I prefer. Nicely done.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-09-29 15:48:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jordan, You just did... now all you have to do is give her a copy of this poem and unless I miss my guess she will get all soft and fluffy (like girls do) and say "thank you." This poem is just lovely and any woman would be flattered to have it written about her. I had a young man (who was 4 years older than me...I was fourteen) write a poem about me called....Marilyn with the flashing brown eyes! I don't remember what the poem said... that being eons ago...but for some reason I have never forgotten the title. I love the way you compare yourself to a bee...I am but a silent Bee...the line has such a doleful ring to it...and then you write...but the other bees are buzzing in a riot. They also yearn the luxuriant pollen to fall and catch them by their wings...young love is so intense and can be very painful if it seems one-sided. But how are you going to know that if you don't ask her out so she can get to know you? I am assuming that this piece is about a lady you love from afar...however, a long time ago I wrote a poem and posted it here about a flower and a bee...which was really a metaphor...you may have done that here but my heart tells me otherwise. I am thrilled to see you writing again...you must go to the forum and post your picture and become involved there...it is interesting and fun to talk to others. Ezharl (I think I spelled that wrong) posted there for awhile and had his pic there, as well. I hope he is okay and that he will come back soon but I do understand that he has a demanding job. Wonderful poem about the longing of love...give it to her! Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-09-29 15:10:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89286
Jordan, This reminds me of being newly 'in love'. Dying to be with your love inside and out. You're swallowed up with the emotion. I enjoyed the bee flower business. You presented love in a fresh new way. a couple thoughts: This [instead of the] queer Lily by fields of posies [may work better] Trying to know words befitting Very nice job, enjoyable. I like your work. Dellena
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