This Poem was Submitted By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-10-10 17:46:16 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Once Upon A Night So Bleak… A hellish spirit entered the boy's body as if opening
the door of his form and climbing in beneath the skin.
Its foulness was immediately sensed.
Goose bumps covered the surface as an iced breeze passed
through and determined itself to remain even though
consciously uninvited.
Shaking from cold and fear, the boy's eyes turned blood red revealing
his internalized fright. Terror emanated piercing the day from light to dark
like an eclipse had just crossed the moon.
Quivered lips emitted a loud hissing sound of uncanny pleasure.
His hands extended, shook like tree's leaves at limbs end in
the autumn wind.
Gasping for breath, stomach knotted and with a sweat dripped face,
he peered about the surroundings to see if anyone had noticed him
and his transformation. No, noone had!
Slyly the boy snuck into the closest grouping of children that he had spied.
His purpose instinctively he knew: to intensify and spread the evil!
Entity needed sustenance and it's essential primal feed was sugar!
Entity commanded the body to speak…horrific words, frothed forth:
"Trick or Treat!"
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Copyright © October 2005 Dellena Rovito
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2005-11-03 21:43:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ha ha - this is a teasingly adventurous piece Dellena. At first the intensity of it was eyebrow raising to say the least. I loved the comedic ending and the way you tossed us down into that at the pivotal 5th stanza, kind of like the "Haunted House" ride at Disneyworld!
This ended up so lighthearted I hardly feel like pointing out any errs, but two I spotted were "noone", which you probably meant as "no one" and then in the last stanza before the last line, you use the word "snuck". Probably "sneaked" would have been the better option, or perhaps "slipped" or "slipped".
Loved this winning ice breaker :"Entity needed sustenance and it's essential primal feed was sugar!" A perfect way to lead into that final humorous realization. I'm thinking that the ending line: "Entity commanded the body to speak…horrific words, frothed forth" you could embellish more, the way you have in the lines preceding it. Since "Entity" is the subject in the line before that, you could even get away with simply referring to it as "It" in the last line.
For example:
"Entity needed sustenance and it's essential primal feed was sugar!
Abushing his unwary vocal chords, "it" frothed forth... spewing horrific words : "Trick or Treat!"
Or whatever - just seems like you did such a good job of building up to the ending, you might as well be as dramatic as possible! With our without these suggestions, you have displayed absolutely "spellbinding" wit here Dellena! Pretty dang creative!
Cheerz,
Terrye
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-10-11 19:10:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You are too much my friend, this is so delightful and frightening at the same time. I am going to send it off to my daughter as this is her favorite of all holidays......don't know why she is not that witchy...hehehe.....enjoyed the images created with the flare of your pen, the sounds that follow as well,
Quivered lips emitted a loud hissing sound of uncanny pleasure.
His hands extended, shook like tree's leaves at limbs end in
the autumn wind.
You can see the little darling in the middle of the crowd of unsuspecting parents and children all together for a night of fun and pleasure.....Trick or Treat.........really a nicely put together one for this season. Thanks for sharing, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-10-11 10:53:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dellena,
How delicious to find this well structured easy flowing offering. It entices the reader to linger and savor the pictures here in presented and how fitting to have this at this time of year. I have copied it for my grand babies, they love this type of poem especially during the season. Your verbiage gives goose bumpy chills of delight as one just has to keep reading to see what is happening next. Your ending is a pure surprise and delight….your sense of humor showing through, so well done. I applaud you in this clever write. Your imaginative poem is something to strive for while I seem of late to be stuck in mundane things. I must say one of the lines I particularly liked was: His hands extended, shook like tree's leaves at limbs end in
the autumn wind. Perhaps in this I see some of the NA traditional stories of possession as they have been described to me in the past…. Never the less, no one line would be complete without the others, one needs the whole package here. Bravo, kudos my friend.
Warmest always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-11 10:46:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I kind of thought it was about Haloween, but as I read on I changed my mind, and then voila - your ending.!
Good one. Kept me in suspense. Read it again and had my morning laugh. I think it may need one correction here.
Goose bumps covered the surface as an iced breeze passed ...I think "icey" breeze sounds better.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-10-10 21:45:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dellena--This timely and seasonal piece is well-contrived and
entertaining. It's silly, but I found myself rushing through
the lines to read what would happen next-smile. Excellent
holloween images and mock melodrama conjured up with analogies;
"...dark like an eclipse had just crossed the moon."
"...shook like tree's leaves at limbs end in
the autumn wind."
Too much other delightful language to list. Thanks for reminding
TPLers about "Trick or Treat" date fast approachiing with this
cute ditty. TLW
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