This Poem was Submitted By: stephen g skipper On Date: 2005-10-11 12:12:08 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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A Page From My Diary (21/09/05) Summers residue Two o’clock cant sleep
protects from icy Siberian blasts
here in Jerusalem.
Morning tea still warm
starstruck lover left forlorn a love text sent to my wife
patiently waiting.
Down by sea and sand
basking in amber twilight
love has found a home. kisses freely flow.
One am can’t sleep
tooth hurts take some pain relief
dream sweet “mon petite”.
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Copyright © October 2005 stephen g skipper
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-29 12:02:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Well thanks for letting us into your life brief as it is here. I am glad that love has found a (your)home.
I understand your plight of the tooth. could it be you took too much pain medication?
Too brief...too brief...More please and thank you. Hope you are okay.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-10-13 14:41:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
stephen--Excellent mixture of Japanese Verses (senryu: human
nature theme and haiku: mother nature theme). Strophes #1 and
#3 are haiku, while strophes #2 and #4 are senryu. All stanzas
correctly meet their form constraints (three lines of 5-7-5-
= 17 syllables). Apt and vivid imagery produced by selective
and descriptive verbiage. This quadruple of Japanese verses
provide an eclectic view from a well-kept diary of a man with
some extra time (due to being separated from his 'amorist') on
his hands-smile. Thanks for sharing these wonderful/intimate/
realism snapshots with fellow TPLers. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-10-11 20:56:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Stephen,
So glad you decided to post it. Your visual presentation amplifies what you have said in these somewhat connected senyrus (like haikus but about people/feelings instead of nature). Your feelings are stated quite clearly in this simplistic form that speaks more than mere words. You have taken your reader on the roller coaster ride of a restless night and the thoughts that accompany it. While your count is not totally accurate in some of your lines, take heart, from what I've been able to gather about this form is that it is alright for the added count if the word is needed to make the tought complete, old school would say different but we are poets and we call the shots/make the rules or bend them. I like that you went with your instincts on this and you did one heck of a job. Easy to read, good structure and clear cut verbiage. Thanks for this evenings delightful read.
As Always
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2005-10-11 13:48:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.85714
Nice combined senryus, however I see some issues with the first Senryu. My count goes like this:
sum-mers res-i-due (5, all good here)
pro-tects from ic-y Si-ber-i-an blasts (that's 10, 3 too many)
here in Jer-us-a-lem (that's 6, one too many)
Oh yes, and "summers" should be "summer's" I believe.
Otherwise nice poem about missing one's loved one. I liked the geography aspect of it, and the occasional rhyme is nice. My favorite part is where love finds a home down by the ocean. Nice work!
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