This Poem was Submitted By: laura j dean On Date: 2005-10-28 19:17:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Solitude It is finally quiet
A hush has gathered momentum
to shove itself between thick layers
of responsibilities' loud banter
At the moment
thought is unnecessary
No scores are being tallied
nor are commitments pondered
My throat will not allow
the strain from repeating parables
This room is too full
of stillness
for the invasiveness of decision
The light is centered
and I refuse its adjustment
Shadows can remain hidden
awhile longer
All will have to wait
My wrinkles are relaxing |
|
Copyright © October 2005 laura j dean
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marsha Steed On Date: 2005-11-04 09:19:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54545
"My wrinkles are relaxing". What a fabulous way to turn a reader into an entire mind-set. That is after all the goal of a poet, to say much with little. You succeeded grandly in this.
Interesting dichotomy between your message, Solitude, and the 'noisy' words like 'momentum, shove, banter, scores (Implicating a noisy sports event) repeating, and invasiveness'.
"This room is too full of stillness. . ." What a lovely image to surround ones self with, the clamour of our 'everyday' does need to be purposefully and intentionally allayed.
"All will have to" is a touch passive in this impassioned poem. "All must. . ." might be a firmer declaration. Any derivation of the verb 'to be' tends to weaken a statement.
I can feel my own 'wrinkles relax' just at the shared permission you offer. Kudos.
M
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2005-11-02 09:35:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Laura,
I don't remember if I've read any of your work before,
but when I ran across this piece, I had to reply right away to
let you know how much I enjoy it.
I feel the stress of the day melt away as I read along.
The flow is like taking long deep breaths of fresh air.
Lord knows I have heard reponsibilitie's loud banterig
many times and am able to relate to this piece immediately,
as I think most readers would agree.
Quiet is something I covet and get so little of.
Great personification!
I really love that last line!
Please don't change a thing. This one is a GO.
Kudos for a well written enjoyable poem.
My Best,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-10-29 09:28:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Laura (a wonderful, underused name- “laurel” of Laurel Tree- filled with honor and realization)- Now, on to your verse. I have read it several times and being a parent I find a three pronged metaphor within this piece. I am hoping that one of them was your intended meaning.
My initial view was of a parent, kids in bed, house quite, worries leaving, and silence bringing relief. Yet within that context, I read into your piece a like metaphor, or the children finally out of the house, the silence, the relief with some regret, and the settling of an older soul.
Still one more meaning caught me within this verse, that of a person having traveled the busy life, and at the end melancholy and unfamiliar with the quiet that remains. Almost hoping that the quiet so longed for is shattered.
“A hush has gathered momentum” – now for one desiring a peaceful moment, that is a powerful image.
“Thick layers of repsonsiblity” – Lordy, Lordy, haven’t you spoken well the well we dwell in. Excellent metaphor.
“The light is centered and I refuse its adjustment” – “shadows can remain a while longer” – to this day, there is an inference of eras leaving and coming, of night changing to day, or vice versa, of silence after a hubbub- and that deep breath- “I’ll clean up in a little bit”-“they are so sweet when asleep”-“this moment of peace almost makes the preceding days… worthy”….
What a fine piece. “Wrinkles are relaxing”- and so it is the time.
Thanks for a nice start to my day.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-29 09:27:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Hmm. Wrinkles of age or of worry? I like the line "this room is too full of stillness". Reminds
me of the line "the silence is deafening". Silence can be an akward thing at first until one
can find themselves centering. You started off by saying "it is finally quiet". It would be nice
to let us in to your thoughts a little bit more...like why is it finally quiet?"
Thanks loads for the submission and allowing me to critique.
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