This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2005-12-01 22:35:38 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Mind Bender Peaceful and quiet
yearning for more
mind has reflection
it opens the door
Joyful celebration
the fun is immense
then hide it away
and into suspense
Funny how eyes shutter
then enter a dream
Thoughts start to wander
then let out a scream
Spirit was broken
looks to return
Doesn't matter
what we have learned
sorrow and pain
begin to subside
waiting for memories
to release from inside
Mind is so jumbled
no direction is seen
Reaching then outwards
in search of a dream...
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Copyright © December 2005 Thomas H. Smihula
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2006-01-05 06:20:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Good morning poet.......sorry for the late read here but I am not good at this any longer.........I do like to dream though, day dream more like it.........my memories run very deep; those I do remember and perhaps some I tend to forget.....good structure, word flow, emotions, good, bad, happy sad all come forth as one travels down this read. I do believe in this poem we are on the edge of falling asleep as the eyes tend to flutter just before.......and the images of the dreams come forth.........there are some dreams that come over and over again and those are the ones I tend to rather let go for they are the frightening ones.....mama used to tell me if they scare me they are not of God.........well poet I wish you well with this one on the voting list........and a very Happy New Year to all you hold dear.......Thanks for letting me read and respond, God Bless, Claire
I still enjoy daydreaming though and this still allows me to travel wherever I may want to go and not leave Tully at all.......
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-01-04 19:32:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Thomas,
My mind's as jumbled as yours is, it seems.
When you start thinking of everything thats been in your life, equal to your age,
thats lots of memories. good/bad/happy/sad.
I think them all meshed together and don't know whether to grieve or rejoice.
It is mind blowing too. I want my mmories, the good to relive over and over,
the painful, I'd rather forget. I weep today at the sorrow as if it were yesterday!
Excuse me I need a hanky.
Good poem, tickling the gray matter.
A hug to you. You organized your ideas well. bringing all to culmination....
wanting to get back to the real world as an escape.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-12-30 14:29:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.96774
Thomas,
Excellent structure and form, an easy read. Yes, it is strange how one can focus on a pleasant thought and goes forth to meditate it further, as a flicker of the eyelid, just a blink and everything can turn upside down letting one find themself some place other than what had been intended. It leaves the question of how much control does one really have when we plan to contemplate or meditate.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-12-16 11:33:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
I think this is a dream within a dream! I would also repeat the first stanza into the last stanza. That way it would certainly "bend". The memories will be released upon certain triggers, i.e.: sights, sounds, smells, etc. You can't force them. Anyway, this is a good look into your dreams and wishes. Seasons Greetings.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-12-11 09:59:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Thomas,
I was drawn to this because of the finely textured rhyme scheme, sound meter.....Rhyme has always been my favorite form of verse and it's good to have a feel of how well you present it here.
However, the theme is not entirely clear which is what you can look at a little closer and that's probably becasue your rhyme (which has a quick tempo) sort of runs away. I wasn't able to let your thoughts sink in but what I did gather on reading it the first time was that it had to do with how easily our thoughts stray into negativity...it talks about broken memories and how they readily come back to haunt us.
Now, again, this poem is more of a rhyme based one with the theme not necessarily taking center stage.
Hope this helps!!
Take care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2005-12-09 12:11:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Tom,
Good to have you back for a visit, I presume.
Always look forward to your work.
Mind Bender is a unique name.
It draws the reader in.
You deliver with this clever piece.
The 6 stanza's of short quatrains work well, but if I'm to be honest ( which is what the clammoring on the forum is about) I'd like to see what this looks like in a less structured piece. By that I mean longer lines might seem more stream-of-conscious and be exetremely effective for the type of subject matter you have here.
I enjoy the image of the door in the mind opening as you reach into the recesses to explore, like some mind/memory game of hide-n- seek.
The rhyme is natural and does not feel forced.
The realnees of the nightmare is felt by the reader and the intensity is there as well.
I like the last line where you are this time reaching outwards "In search of a dream.
Nice work, Poet. Enjoyed this one!
Hope you have a wonderful Holiday Season,
Jennifer
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