This Poem was Submitted By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2005-12-16 17:37:11 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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10:26 Revisited Blue black sheen of sky
Hangs like a curtain around us
Pierced by only a sprinkling
Of stars. Grass under our feet
Is cool but not yet damp.
It too is a shade of black
Here where there is so little
Light. Your hand warm
Against my back is solid
The wind makes everything else
Unstable. And again your hand
Is the only warmth. The clock
In the heart of town just
Visible from the hilltop
Proclaims 10:26. A time
That has not changed in years.
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Copyright © December 2005 Sandra J Kelley
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-01-06 13:31:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42857
Really like the picture given here like the curtain, sprinkling of stars. Like the sense of damp, hand warm. Like the feeling of the wind unstable. Your picture of the clock tells us it is a moment in time. This is a very well presented poem. Thanks for sharing Sandra.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2006-01-03 22:12:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
[A b]lue black [] sky
Like a curtain [hangs] around []
Pierced by [] a sprinkling
Of stars. Grass under our feet
[C]ool but not yet damp.
It too is a shade of black
Here where there is so little
Light. Your hand warm
Against my back is solid
The wind makes everything else
Unstable. And again your hand
[] the only warmth. The clock
In the heart of town just
Visible from the hilltop
Proclaims [a time]
That [hasn't] changed in years.
I really liked this piece the last time you posted it.
And I still do. I think it needs to be tightened up a bit,
and that's what i've tried to show here in this example.
I don't think you need to repeat the time in the poem
once you've announced it in the title. It seems to work better for
me without it.
The nostalgia drips from this thing.
nice.
tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-12-31 02:19:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93939
Sandra,
This well penned offering is so romantic and titilating I actually found myself sucking in my breath in anticipation of your next words. I enjoyed this very much and I think the lines I found I connected with were:
Your hand warm
Against my back is solid
And again your hand
Is the only warmth
Must be the uncureable romantic in me but then I also liked your ending very much. Some things will always remain the same. Kudos!
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-12-26 19:49:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Sandra,
I sense a true comadre between you and yours.
As if you two have always been connected.
No need for gasping love words, all is there between each line.
His warm hand, just being there, with you.
Be still my heart.......
and he'll be there again at 10;26.......and maybe ever.
Lovely, just lovely.
dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-12-19 21:09:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sandra:
I remember your earlier poem of 10:26. This one places the reader in the midst
of the the situation. You make it so visible, so palpable. The scene, an intimate
one, as if two lovers are standing beneath night sky, caught in a meaningful moment,
as if time has stopped at 10:26, a time that “has not changed in years.” There are
subtleties within your writing that I especially enjoy, the sounds – “blue black”
plosives, and ‘sh’ in “sheen/shade” and the assonance of “hangs/grass/damp” as well
as the internal rhymes of “black/back” for example. But beyond the fine-tuned crafting,
which is really invisible, is the sense of awareness of the moment, of the sensation
of the warm hand against the speaker’s back as the stable element in the poem, as the
wind has made “every thing else unstable.”
Blue black sheen of sky
Hangs like a curtain around us
Pierced by only a sprinkling
Of stars. Grass under our feet
Is cool but not yet damp.
It too is a shade of black
Here where there is so little
Light. Your hand warm
Against my back is solid
The wind makes everything else
Unstable. And again your hand
Is the only warmth. The clock
In the heart of town just
Visible from the hilltop
Proclaims 10:26. A time
That has not changed in years.
The sense of everything about to shift is enhance by the resonance of
“us/unstable” the opening soft ‘u’ sound suggests, at least to me, that
the pairing is time-limited, as the clock in the “heart of town” makes
a proclamation of time “that has not changed in years.” The singularity
of the warmth of the hand at the speaker’s back seems to me to be the
strongest sensory element of the night’s darkness and chill. There is a
feel about this poem, to me, of anguished yet vivid recollection. There
is a sense that this couple will continue to meet in this way, with only
a curtain of sky around them, and nowhere to be with one another as
they desire to be, with the clock’s reminder of the lateness of the hour,
the sameness of the situation, “Unstable.” It is beautiful and heartbreaking
without being sentimental in any sense. I love it!
Brava!
My best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2005-12-17 19:25:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Sandra,
I missed reading your poems. It's been a long time since your last submission and I was excited that I saw your submission. As always, I enjoyed your thoughts and inspiring lines. It made me reminisce the old days with my girlfriend, (now my wife).
"The clock
In the heart of town just
Visible from the hilltop
Proclaims 10:26.A time
That has not changed in years."
It must be the greatest event in your life. Super lovely! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-12-17 12:14:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64286
Hi Sandra. Didn't I see this poem before? Looks familiar.
Anyway, may I caution you to eliminate the capital letters at the beginning of your sentences please? It makes for a very stumbly read. I think what you did was cut and paste, but you can eliminate this problem.
Pierced by only a sprinkling
Of stars. Grass under our feet....this would sound much better by inversing the "by only" to "only by".
And again your hand
Is the only warmth....I wouldn't repeat this line. To me it's value has been done already.
So are you stuck in a time warp or is there no clock maker around to repair it?
To be honest, I find this kind of bland...but hey, that's my opinion as a critiquer.
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