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This Poem was Submitted By: charles r pitts On Date: 2006-01-08 03:20:13 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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a rant

pity the poor impassioned heart that beats in causeless times as virtue and goodwill are lost in wilds of evil crimes shelter the carefree kindred souls adrift in stormy seas through darkness and vile treachery of mankind's devilry deceit and murder hatred, lies mocking laughter pleading cries henhouse dealings two-faced tongue blind ambitions one more rung keep thy brothers on their knees to live and die as man-Gods please and when your toes are turned up and the worms come to feed your judgment and penance collected indeed ....it's paper and objects --some have and some lack but there are no hearses made with luggage racks

Additional Notes:
just some crap i kicked around--there's a good idea here i think, and a couple of promising elements, but there's much work left to do---any suggestions?

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2006-02-02 15:05:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Charles, it has potential, though it is a little too lengthy it still makes for a great read. Have you thought of cutting it down into different aspects of work? It would be good that way too. It does read more like a journal in form and it certainly holds this readers attention perhaps even wanting more. Thank you for sharing this with us, I look forward tomore of your work on the link. Regards, Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2006-01-22 10:10:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
This is another one of my favorites so far...I really like the rhyme and flow, and especially your innovative word choices. ie "..wilds of evil crimes." Very cool. Your meanings are also clear, which is another good point that speaks for this poem. In fact, this piece has all the key ingredients of a great poem (though they are not required)....creative lines, good flow/powerful rhyme, and self-evident meaning. Overall it just plain sounds cool! The transition between the first stanza and the second part is (intentionally, I gather) apparent, giving the effect as though the poem suddenly "speeds up." I admit the transition back to a slower, chunkier rhyming pattern at the end is a little awkward, but again the changes in flow do keep it interesting; It's the equivalent of tempo changes in a rock song. Definitely goes high on my list...keep up the good work. - B.G Petit

This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2006-01-22 10:10:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
This is another one of my favorites so far...I really like the rhyme and flow, and especially your innovative word choices. ie "..wilds of evil crimes." Very cool. Your meanings are also clear, which is another good point that speaks for this poem. In fact, this piece has all the key ingredients of a great poem (though they are not required)....creative lines, good flow/powerful rhyme, and self-evident meaning. Overall it just plain sounds cool! The transition between the first stanza and the second part is (intentionally, I gather) apparent, giving the effect as though the poem suddenly "speeds up." I admit the transition back to a slower, chunkier rhyming pattern at the end is a little awkward, but again the changes in flow do keep it interesting; It's the equivalent of tempo changes in a rock song. Definitely goes high on my list...keep up the good work. - B.G Petit

This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2006-01-22 10:10:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
This is another one of my favorites so far...I really like the rhyme and flow, and especially your innovative word choices. ie "..wilds of evil crimes." Very cool. Your meanings are also clear, which is another good point that speaks for this poem. In fact, this piece has all the key ingredients of a great poem (though they are not required)....creative lines, good flow/powerful rhyme, and self-evident meaning. Overall it just plain sounds cool! The transition between the first stanza and the second part is (intentionally, I gather) apparent, giving the effect as though the poem suddenly "speeds up." I admit the transition back to a slower, chunkier rhyming pattern at the end is a little awkward, but again the changes in flow do keep it interesting; It's the equivalent of tempo changes in a rock song. Definitely goes high on my list...keep up the good work. - B.G Petit

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-01-10 13:54:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear Charles Personally, I don't consider this poem crap. At best, it's very thought inspiring, especially where human mortality and the element to it are exposed. Great line, "no hearses made with luggage racks", because it completely brings our mortality into perspective - in a unique way! Would haves, should haves and could haves pop into this readers mind, albeit regrets are those for the living. The dead have none and no chance of changing the course of their lives. Wonderfully profound, to this reader and a pleasure to read. Sincerely, Denimari

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-01-10 12:03:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Charles, I don't think this poem is as lacking as you might think. I would submit, you might add to its novelty by out-and-out representing it boldly as the "laundry list" of man's misdeeds to man. Do it with some title as, "Demon's Trip to the Laundrymat" or "Recollections upon Shortly Returning from Sunday School" and/or, "The Little Golden Book of Self-improvement for the Human Race, Chapter One, Historical Attonement (the brief version.)" Add a touch of sardonic humor and you're there. But whatever you might do, keep the lines, "but there are no hearses/made with luggage racks." JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-01-08 16:17:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
My most enjoyable part was the flow and wording of the third stanza. I would have liked to have seen more thoughts in yet another stanza like this. Your second stanza might be your first using it again at the end for it forces the thought that you present. I really like it for it had depth. Just some thoughts.

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2006-01-08 13:24:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
A good bit of biting humour here. I think that you can vastly improve this by splitting the last two long verses into 4 lines each. It would read much easier.There is a bit of a stumbling block in the second verse third line. I think it can be re-worked. Also, "one more rung". Rung of what? A ladder, a bell? I love the last four lines...that's what it's all about. Those who have more toys when they die - WIN!

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