This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-01-10 06:55:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Open Up

Let's hold hands, as we run along the pearly beach Entine our lives, as we laugh and make a desparate reach Grab a hold, of ancient times while we pass the cliff Will hold you high, adoring you I make a reckless lift Take me too great places I've not been before Take me to where your heart will live just open, up the door... 

Copyright © January 2006 Thomas H. Smihula

Additional Notes:
Something written so long ago...

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2006-02-06 13:47:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Thomas This is a passionate plea for more life, for a life lived more fully. And it always seems so close, just beyond the door. This is neat and tidy. As good as this is, I think the last one of yours I critiqued had a bit more unity to it. But then again, what sometimes feels here as a little choppy might just be your exuberance in the pursuit of life. Regards Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2006-01-23 12:57:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
I like this one a much I wish you would continue it and make it longer. But of course that's up to you. The flow of the poem isn't perfect but that's not important. The lines are still intriguing and original, and I connect with the desperate feelings of human emotion tied into the peice. I especially like the lines "...Will hold you high, adoring you....I make a reckless lift" including the previous rhyme. My suggestion would be to embellish between the second and last stanza and allow the final stanza to remain the conclusion. Just a mere suggestion..great potential here; run with it. - B.G. Petit
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2006-01-15 17:15:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Thomas, How can I pass this one by? It may have been written long ago but it has weathered well. Your end rhymes are spot on and the unforced meter has my toe tapping. I see some tiny things and I'm mentioning them because this lyrical piece is highly publishable. Delete the comma in Stanza 1 and the comma in S 4. Delete 1st comma in Stanza 2 and Stanza 4 has a typo in line 1 where too should be to. In line 3, delete the "to" which evens the meter. I know this is really nits (ask Marilyn about my nits) but an editor will trash the poem because he likely has 200 submissions and will print only fifteen. Any poem with errors, typos, anything that needs changing, will give you a bounce note. Get your Poets' Market and find a home for this little gem. And, before I forget, desparate should be desperate. I'm not acquainted with the word ENTINE and I cannot reach the dictionary so mayhaps you will share the import with me in your reply. This poem enchants me. Now get busy and send it out. Best wishes, Thomas, Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-01-10 15:00:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Take more care, Thomas, in short poems, to avoid spelling errors and figures of speech that, though common usage, can ill-effect the impression of poet as "word merchant". "Ent(w)ine", to "great places" and, just open the door, instead of, "just open, up the door...". Grab hold..., if you must, Grab ahold. Poetry is all about compactness. Only expansiveness is otherwise appropriate and, only that, when their is some reason for it. There could easily be an opportunity for you to do that here with something modifying "cliff" instead of causing the reader to wonder are you passing under or by this cliff in question. As well, you might capture for us what inclines you, the poet, to be this wonderful gallant...what draws such fascinating ardor. And that might draw us, the readers, more in to this poem. JCH
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to Database Page!