This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-04-11 07:27:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Vernal Season (Haiku) Rustling pine trees
needles bend into the wind
accepting springtime |
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Copyright © April 2006 Thomas H. Smihula
Additional Notes:
My first attemp to Haiku....
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2006-04-19 16:54:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Thomas,
This is quite lovely. Modern haiku does not have to conform to the exact 5-7-5 meter.
I love the sense you've given here that the pine trees are somewhat reluctantly
'accepting springtime' as these are trees without blooms, who can stand winter winds,
who seem almost impervious to everything. But they, too, must yield to the softness
of springtime. The sensory impressions given by the poem are especially appealing to
me, as I love pine trees which are in abundance in the area where I live, and my
favorite hang-out, the coast. I also have the sense that the 'needles' of the pine
exhibit their strength, but perhaps as well, their weakness. There are times when
being very strong is at odds with the need to surrender.
Beautifully done.
Best wishes,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-04-17 01:03:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi there tom,
Nice attempt to Haiku! I like the mood you are describing. I feel coolly. Needles bending into the wind is so fantastic. what I only notice here is the first stanza I think has only 4 syllables unless if you read "rustling" as three syllables. I can think of "whispering" but not sure if that will fit. Anyway, that is not a big deal! You have completed me with this one!
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-04-12 19:23:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Ah Thomas, a haiku!! you know I love the form and this one is so well done. I love the personification of the trees "accemting springtime" lovely touch and ending. great use of assonance "bend into the wind" You have written a lovely little image within the restraint of the form and have done it well. I can tell that you spent much time and thought into the word choices you have made, and this little gem shines because of it. Nicely done!
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-04-11 14:37:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Hi Thomas....this may be your first attempt but you did a job worthy of a seasond haiku poet! Your count is spot on and you wrote it about nature which as I understand it all haikus should be written about. I know there are some who will write them about other subjects but I think the art form should be nature inspired. I live where there a many pine trees and your image of them here is perfect. Well done!
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-04-11 13:16:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
Thomas,
I'm no authority on Haiku, however this looks like the real deal to me. You have the seasonal thing going, you have the nature and movement....and the count is correct. This is enjoyable and sets the mind to memories of the scent of spring in the pines. Here is a link I use when studying about Haiku, you might find something in it that will be useful for you. Thank you for shareing this first attempt with us, Bravo!
http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiku.htm#comego, I've discovered that the rules for haiku do change from time to time so maybe there is no steadfast way to right haiku in English...*smile* Keep writing them, you've got a good start with this one.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2006-04-11 11:02:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Tom,
I really like all the sounds and feel of this one.
It's a nice change the way you use pine trees instead of
flowers or tree buds to show us how spring is arriving.
This is a really nice first attempt. I would have thought
you'd been writing Haiku your whole life long.
Best,
Jennifer
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