This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-04-20 15:08:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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A Sonnet Before shades of deepest night doth fall
I’ll sing my runes unto the sun, my love
And if the nightingale’s voice sings my call
The angles will rejoice in heaven above
If I lose my way and become adrift
The mourning seas will weep until composed
I shall wend my way over mountain’s cliff
Till I hear your ode and souls are reposed
For lovers have but only one true course
To climb mountains high and valleys so deep
So as the melancholy sun starts to fade
And leaping stars of night begin to peep
My love for you abides in shade
Cloaked in hues of eve’s brocade
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Copyright © April 2006 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
This is only the second sonnet I have attempted...so all help will be appreciated!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-05-01 00:30:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75862
Hi there Marilyn,
You know what? I am almost done with my critiquing! I have 7 poems left to critique and I am done! Did I answer your call to all critiquers? Just kidding! I am just excited that I am making myself active here, although my critiques do not contain helpful suggestions! So much for that, wow I congratulate your for this second completion of a sonnet. As for me, I feel it is hard thing to do but will try soon. I did not see any mistakes here except for the minor typo of "angels" in the fourth line. Everything seems to be fine, perfect rhyming, close syllabic count, etc. I am thinking of making a title of this one but nothing good popped out in my mind.
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-04-25 15:17:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
I love the classical feel of the sonnet form ..this is a beautiful love story and only your second! You have done a fine job. My favorite lines are your ending ones "My love for you abides in shade
Cloaked in hues of eve’s brocade". I loved your word choices here "nightingale’s voice sings" the repeative "ing" sound is musical, and this is speaking of music..so it is wonderfully done. Enjoyed your poem.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-04-21 15:43:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Marilyn,
For what I know about sonnets, well you could put it in a thymble. However, I found this a quite enjoyable read, easy flowing without stilts. You speak of love as it should be spoken and your write leaves that warm fuzzy feeling.
One small suggestion: To climb mountains high and valleys so deep, I would remove the [so] before "deep" which would be more in the keeping with the way you've written the sentence and discripter of the "mountains" however that is just my opinon and I don't want' to mess up your count if this relies on that.
I think you've done fine and I especially like your closing....My love for you abides in shade
Cloaked in hues of eve’s brocade
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2006-04-21 08:24:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn,
This is lovely. Such sweet perfect love described within these lines.
I so like idea of your love abiding in shade, cloaked in hues of eves brocade.
That is just such a lovely sounding thought!
I always feel wrong when I actually try to take someone elses poem apart and
actually ' pick a nit' of said poem. I know there must be some way to
accomplish this tactfully , but I haven't hit it on yet. So here goes another lame attempt
at same.
I sure don't claim to be an expert on Sonnets and in fact have written only
two that were not too great. I took a workshop and did a bit of research
on sonnets last year and I think you will probably be able to set me straight.
The way I understand the sonnet, it is written in iambic pentameter,
meaning lines with ten syllables each.
That may be outdated info and if so I apologise.
I think it is in the reading aloud that this makes a difference in sound in
iambic pentameter.
I note this only because iambic part means two syllables with the accent
on the second. Line 4 has 11 syllables and (also I think you mean angels
rather then angles) I think it would be an easy fix with the removal of 'the'.
Again line 11 has eleven syllables. And lines
and 14 are short lines.
I think these would be very easy revisions as well without doing anything too
drastic to the heart and soul of the piece, but I think the poem stands well
without any changes what-so-ever and is really quite beautiful!
Again plese forgive my probable tactless interference in celebrating the joy of your love! :-)
Best,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2006-04-20 18:59:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
First, I love the ‘little song’ in your sonnet. Its evocation strikes me to my core.
It’s impossible to read this and not be moved. I have suggestions, though I’m not
very proficient in this form. I do see that this one has great potential, with some
minor fixes and I’m sure other readers will make cogent comments. Strongest
is its emotional impact, along with the sounds and images. Take or toss any of
my ideas.
Title: A Sonnet
Here are suggestions for meter – you need ten beats per line for iambic pentameter.
And the rhythm of unstressed/stressed:
Before (the) shades of deepest night doth fall
I’ll sing my runes unto the sun, my love (perfect!)
And if the nightingale’s voice sings my call
Suggest:
And if the nightingale will sing my call *for meter only
The angels will rejoice in heaven above
If I lose my way and become adrift
Suggest:
And if I lose my way and fall adrift * again, for meter only
The mourning seas will weep until composed (perfect!)
(Then) I shall wend my way (o’er) mountain’s cliff * meter
And maybe to answer the question posed by ‘if’ in L5, as sonnets often pose a question/answer or a kind of ‘argument’ if you see what I mean.
Till I hear your ode and souls are reposed
(Until I hear your ode and soul’s repose) for meter
For lovers have but only one true course – sublime!
To (scale the) mountains high and valleys [so] deep
(Just) as the melancholy sun (begins) to fade
And leaping stars of night begin to peep
The final couplet would ordinarily still carry the ten beats per lines, but
you change in rhythm here can offer a divergent pattern. Still, if you
are to continue with the Shakespearean patterning, and as the couplet
presents the greatest problem of the English sonnet, I’d suggest adding
another line to complete the poem, and making the lines below into
one, perhaps as
My love for you abides in shade that’s cloaked in hues of eve’s brocade
I’d even wonder if ‘dressed’ or ‘masked’ or even veiled might work here.
As for the final line, if you chose to work with pentameter for the couplet,
I don’t have any suggestions, except I ‘feel’ it saying that though the love
is cloaked, it will be as brilliant as sunlight when you are reunited. This
is mournful and beautiful, Marilyn. It’s your truth expressed in song
and unforgettably tender images. I hope my ideas for meter and for the
couplet will prove helpful. Thank you for inviting our help. I hope you
will continue to write more, for if this is your second, I can only imagine
what your tenth will be like.
My best always,
Joanne
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