This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2006-05-10 20:10:53 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Downfall ~
a thousand thoughts invade my mind at once
chaotically colliding,
collapsing
into a mass of
meaningless nothingness
empty eyes
seek out vanished visions
of future’s hollow promise
while my routed remains lie naked
fallen
upon cold shards of shattered trust
immersed
in a melancholy marinade of misery
infected
with deception and deceit
a victim of
tempered truths and saccharin smiles
filled with fabricated feeling
perfectly poised in a posture of pretense
my vanquished spirit,
trodden
trampled
tenuous in intent,
still struggles
it’s quest continuing
for that elusive eddy of empathy
desperately lost
and wandering aimlessly
through
forsaken fields of broken dreams
…once,
I believed
~ |
|
Copyright © May 2006 Mary J Coffman
Additional Notes:
Just getting it outta my system :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-06-03 20:49:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.27273
Mary,
Life isn't the bowl of cherries we thought it would be.
This poem started and didn't end till the end.
A big thought, smoothly flowing, exciting verbage, making your point.
Well done with great flourish!
Good alliterations.
Most enjoyable
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-05-30 11:10:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
very effectively I would say..I really enjoyed your style in this piece, with all the breaks and pauses in your thoughts. Also your expert useage of alliteration..beautifully done! I love when I can tell that the writer has really toiled over their word choices and it shows here. Nicely done
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-05-13 16:36:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
Hi there Mary,
I have not recalled the last time that I critiqued your poem but I'm sure I did one before. Indeed, this is a reflection of your experience, innermost thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes, I also find it hard to communicate vocally and the best medium would be the paper. You will be somehow relieved when you express these tumultuous feelings inside. And good thing that you did it here. I like the influx of your expressions, you freed them without any hindrance, your words are footloose flowing. The abundant use of alliterations is remarkable. It somehow compensate the emotions. Thanks for sharing this with us and hope this "downfall" is gone now.
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-05-11 14:35:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Mary,
Your poem is so sad, and full of someone experiencing a depressed state. I hope it's one that comes & goes quickly.
I like the structure you've used here, as it gives the entire poem, a good feel while reading it aloud.
Self reflections are a part of healing, and in this you have poetically stated, inner most feelings, of something that needs to be put to rest. Good ending, once, I believed. Somewhere back then, the writer was full of hope, promise and inspiration, but it seems that circumstances beyond her control, tested her more than one needs to be tested.
I really liked your poem, and think you've chosen wonderful descriptives to relay the message in it to the reader.
Sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-05-11 13:16:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary...I love this poem. I too have had thougts such as these but you have penned them more poetically than I ever could have. You have wonderful alliteration throughout making this a pleasure to read even though the content is doleful.
fallen
upon cold shards of shattered trust
immersed
in a melancholy marinade of misery...these lines are malancholy indeed...the 'm'sounds are delicious
also I love...saccharin smiles and posture of pretense...
your last stanza is evocative and it is easy to feel the pathos in the lines and in between.
This piece is so well written and compelling...bravo!!!
blessings...Marilyn
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