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This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-05-10 20:24:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Ideas

The swirl of my world begins keeping an eye on understanding Focused on balance - an absent theory for tiring fragile determination Such value placed on an invisible idea strength and balance take boastful stands Blowing dust over the meek and muting parts of rebellious spirits Who pull strands of life out of mind's eye Does my rank in life make me less important the back end of a mule Does the perfect plan of someone else mean that my plan is no good To he who knows and lives by then reaps rewards in harmony Why is my reverie too odious for you to know My time in life is my time to undertake With or devoid of a sense of balance

Additional Notes:
It's been a while since I've posted, be nice!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-05-30 10:54:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
I love the way this starts out "The swirl of my world" great phrasing! and I find the whole piece so interesting and intelligent indeed. This is the question isn't it when we try and compare our vision of ideas with others, and come to some balance that is comfortable, but ah!! "balance" is this the key, I tend to disagree , it is necessary to titter at times to appreciate the "balance" when it comes. I love the way you have phrased this piece, and especially this stanza "Such value placed on an invisible idea strength and balance take boastful stands Blowing dust over the meek and muting parts of rebellious spirits Who pull strands of life out of mind's eye" so true!!..this is a strong statement "Does my rank in life make me less important the back end of a mule" and contrasts with your more flowery wordage, which makes it stand strong against the rest. I like the way you ended this as well "My time in life is my time to undertake With or devoid of a sense of balance" where you make your statement inspite of it all.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-05-16 23:37:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 2.00000
DeniMari, How wonderful to be alive and full of ideas. We each grow at different rates in different ways. Always someones smarter/more advanced. That is of no matter. What matters is to be growing as you are. and stepping forth taking risk by sharing yourself. you do quite well and I'm proud to know you and your work.. I love you showing vulnerability. Who wants to bE the norm when we're all so unique? Good job, good ideas.. Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-05-14 08:35:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi DeniMari.....even though you have not posted poems for awhile does not diminish the importance of this poem. It is well written and has some profound thoughts, making it very thought provoking. It is very true that balance is important in our lives..without it everything is out of "kilter", as it were, and when we lose our balance either mentally or physically we suffer for it. You have written this piece devoid of punctuation but you pulled it off. One line flows into the next and does not seem choppy to me. Well done...keep writing! Blessings...Marilyn p.s. how is your sister?

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-05-12 22:11:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
Hi there DeniMari, First of all, thank you for posting again. It's been a while that I have not read your poetry. Now, I want to replenish the miss that I have. What I remember on your poems are definitely essentials to life just like this one. Your ideas are just brilliant and they are rooted from a deep understanding of the world. I like the beginning phrase, "swirl of my world begins", - a appreciate the originality, and the sound of 'w' gives me a waving water or an influx of ideas! Your question "Does my rank in life make me less important", is always my question that I could not get out my mind. Inferiority complex would sometimes hinder me from doing things. But here in TPL I can find home. That is why I stay although sometimes I struggle to find time. This piece really gives me the courage to be never afraid to express my ideas! Really love this one! Thank you! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2006-05-12 10:42:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
DeniMari, Just you and I on the list without a critique . . . and soon it'll be just me. :) Some observations. Maybe you can exploit the eye idea a little more. You have it going in the first and second stanzas, but I'd beef it up a little. Work some more eye imagery in. A see Sermon on the Mount echos, the meek, the mote in the eye . . . nice. Use that a little more too. I like "the back end of a mule." I mean, in the poem. You should aim at increasing the use of more imagery, and less declamation about what you're feeling. The old, paint the picture, not preach the sermon. Best, Mark

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