This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-06-08 07:50:39 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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My Love For You

Before the shades of deepest night doth fall I’ll sing my runes unto the sun, my love And if the nightingale will sing my call The angels will rejoice in heaven above If I lose my way and fall adrift The mourning seas will weep until composed Then I shall wend my way o’er mountain’s cliff Until I hear your ode and soul’s repose For lovers have but only one true course To scale the mountains high and valleys deep Just as the melancholy sun weeps with remorse And leaping stars of night begin to peep   This love for you abides in sun or shade   Clothed in the hues of light or eve’s brocade

Copyright © June 2006 marilyn terwilleger

Additional Notes:
A revised version of this sonnet....all nits welcome


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2006-07-06 19:07:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Mazza This is such a technical improvement on the one we worked on together, all those moons ago. You actually have the FEEL now for iambic pentameter, don't you? This is indeed a sonnet to be proud of. Nits: 1. You should substitute "heav'n" for "heaven" in L4. Most readers would scud over the extra syllable as it stands, but the contraction ensures that no-one can make a mistake. Later in the poem you use the contraction "o'er", so you'd only be being consistent with yourself. 2. While you would make the line "more iambic" by adding "and" to the start of L5's "If I lose my way", I don't actually believe that it is an error to leave it out. It's possible to see this as the substitution of an unvoiced syllable ... in other words, although L5 has 9 syllables, it still fits the iambic pentameter and is a nice variation. 3. NOT SO for L9 "Just as melancholy...". That's just a howler!! Fix it, baby. 4. There is no 4. Lovely work Mazza, Hugs M.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2006-06-23 12:34:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
marilyn--I think I've reviewed this sonnet before and still feel that it is a powerful expression of romanticised love. The entreatments offered displays the awesome enamorement protagonist holds for the object/soulmate of these affections. Placement of a few internal rhymes echoes true end rhymes while producing emphatic sonorous tones. The sparsity of punctuation is apt for the superb line breaks. This challenging form serves as an excellent vehicle for "My Love For You" and one of the best sonnets, I've read. This post surely reflect the eclectic talents of scribe. Great Job! TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-06-22 19:45:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn, I've read this love poem, a few times. I like what you are saying in each verse, it's strong, full of emotion, of complete love. There are some wonderful lines, that enhance the story as it is told. This kind of love endures, through thick and thin, through everything life throws at them, and they would do anything possible for each other. I admire your sense of romance, it is what all of us, would like to find in our lifetime. I've only one quick suggestion here, see what you think, because it's a revision, it may or may not appeal to you. I would break it up - as such: Just a suggestion. Before the shades of deepest night doth fall I’ll sing my runes unto the sun, my love And if the nightingale will sing my call The angels will rejoice in heaven above If I lose my way and fall adrift The mourning seas will weep until composed Then I shall wend my way o’er mountain’s cliff Until I hear your ode and soul’s repose For lovers have but only one true course To scale the mountains high and valleys deep Just as the melancholy sun weeps with remorse And leaping stars of night begin to peep This love for you abides in sun or shade Clothed in the hues of light or eve’s brocade This piece has a musical touch to it also. Imagine it, a love song. Very good sonnet. sincerely, Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-06-18 17:56:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.33333
Marilyn, Very nice. Sounds a bit like Shakesphere. Passionate, throwing yourself over a cliff, but that just emphasizes the importance of the one you love. Life without him having been in it would be colorless. I think you could sling runes as well as 'sing' runes....... Runic divination or "rune casting" is not "fortunetelling" in the sense that one actually sees the future. Instead, runes give one a means of analyzing the path that one is on and a likely outcome. The future is not fixed. It changes with everything one does. If one does not like the prediction, one can always change paths. until I hear your ode and [of] soul’s repose[rest] And leaping stars of night begin to peep And twinkled stars of night play hide and seek [maybe?] This [My] love for you abides in sun or shade A couple of thoughts. Love your feelings of love. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-06-14 16:29:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
And if the nightingale will sing my call....can you use another word for sing? you have used the word twice in the first refrain. The angels will rejoice in heaven above...did you intend to force this rhyme? perhaps it is not necessary to mention that the angels are in the "heaven above", as that seems redundant. I think your poetic voice could possibly be better shared there. Until I hear your ode and soul’s repose For lovers have but only one true course.. ...this is my favorite part.It flows with more originality and is deeply felt by this reader. It seems as if this is the true meaning of all the thoughts combined. The true course of lovers. That is a good thought! You kind of kept me guessing as to where you were in your journey. At first I picture the shore line and the sirens of the sea. (feels sad). And then I think that I have missed something because you are drifting over the mountains cliff with some purpose. (feels hopeful). But then, the sun cries, and the stars leap. That takes me back to the sadness of the beginning. Your last two lines are really good. You have taken the 'soul' of the poem and added it all up as if nothing can stop you. You have good sentence structure and rhythm. I think you might find a timeline that your readers could more accurately follow. I find it hard to 'picture' your words in a lot of places, and then you are very descript in other places. A timeline can do alot to help a poem follow through. From the beginning to the end; as in the passing of the day (or night). In the early lines you allow for the 'choppy' waves to carry the reader astray, but later it feels harder to 'locate' you. Please don't allow my critiscism to deter you. You asked for a little nit-I think I may have given you too much! I wouldn't mention these things at all except that I think you could make this one really 'flow' with just a little work. Good luck!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-06-12 04:40:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Marilyn, Indeed, I have started my critiquing task today! Atleast to say a few words. Have been busy lately doing some business matters. <smile> Oh, here is you "My Love For You" again which is a treat for all of us! Nothing I can say except that this is perfect sonnet! Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-06-08 19:09:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn, What I know of Sonnets you could put in a thimble, however I do know what I like. This read moves along quite easily and paints such romantic pictures, the language to me is reminiscent of the a Victorian age and I find your write quite intriquing. The love you speak of is the type that is everlasting, passionate and trancends time. I can find no fault with your write and found it most enjoyable. Warmest always, Lora
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