This Poem was Submitted By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-06-14 14:39:10 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Remembering Mothers Day I love you mom. Just as much as before
you passed on to another place.
My thoughts of you still sometimes linger and
as I age my reflection shows more of your face.
She's been gone 5 years now.
Almost to the day.
And I realize things between
us have never really changed.
We are as close as ever we were
The things we shared together
can never be erased or forgotten
mother and daughter forever
And I know you are still with me today.
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Copyright © June 2006 Ellen K Lewis
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2006-06-25 19:11:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ellen--An excellent tribute and always timely when "Remembering
Mothers Day" regardless of the day/date. Your bittersweet write
is a heartfelt rendered elegy for the mother who has "...passed
on to another place." In my opinion, the most poignant (and my
favorite) and telling lines of the poem is;
"...and
as I age my reflection shows more of your face."
These "goose bumpy" words can be taken metaphorically or literally,
either way they speak to an old addage: "like mother, like daughter."
This emotional charged work is well written and powerful. However,
I feel that the use of the possessive pronoun(She's)in line #1 of the
2nd verse breaks the continuity of the other pronouns and distracts
slightly from the read;
"She's been gone 5 years now."
SUGGESTION ONLY;
"You've been gone 5 years now,
Almost to the day."
Thanks for reminding us of our mothers through this personal post. Sorry
if I've mistated your intentions, but I did enjoy your superb effort.TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-06-22 14:31:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Ellen,
Although the sentiments of this poem, are wonderful I think I would work on the structure and imagery part of this piece.
One of my first achievements while working with TPL, was realizing, to let unnecessary words go, shorten up my lines and have my poems flow less wordy. I would restructure this poem sort of like:
Loving you mom just as much as before
you passed on to another place
Thoughts of you still linger
as I age my reflection shows
more of your face
Five years now almost to the day
I realize things between us
have never really changed
We are as close as we ever were
Things we shared together can
never be erased or forgotten
Hope you can see what I mean by this. Also, this gives you room to add imagery - as simple statements mean a lot but imagery brings it to life.
Hope I could be of some assistance - and I hope my comments help and not deter your intentions.
sincerely,
Denimari
Mother, daughter forever
You are still with me today
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-06-18 14:06:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ellen,
This is the first of your work that I've read and I found I left not wanting. Soft rememberance, very heart felt and well metered for an easy read. Your poem brought many thoughts of my own mother to mind and left me in awe for the wonderous relationship you and your mother obiviously had and in spirit continue to have. I believe that I especially liked:
The things we shared together
can never be erased or forgotten
mother and daughter forever
these are the truths that can never be ignored, they hold fast to all mothers and daughters, perhaps not with as much regard or compassion but they still hold.
Thank you for the priveledge of reading something so close to your heart.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-06-17 04:23:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Such a lovely inspirational poem, Ellen!
So simple are your words but the thought is so great to touch your reader's heart
especially to those moms out there.
This makes me missed my mother so much. She is far away from me right now.
I hope to visit her and the my father soon. Thank you for sharing this!
Jordan
PS. Welcome to TLP. I have not recognized your name before so you must be new! Hope you will stay with us!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-06-16 23:32:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Ellen,
Lovely, I dare say the bond between anybody always is...
past loves, family, friends. And most especially mothers.
I just lost 2 dear friends and they will always live in my heart.
The bond/love between you and your mom comes out sweetly in your writing.
It sounds like you look alike, somewhat, how very nice.
I enjoyed this poem very much, as your mother will also.
my best to you,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-06-14 14:51:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Ellen...this is a lovely poem about your mother and made me think of my own mother. A loss of a parent is a devasting event and one that a child never really gets over. Your life will go on and the world will keep turning but your mother will always be in your thoughts. I must tell you that the font you have used here is almost impossible to read. I know other critiquers will mention this and some won't critique it just because they can't read it. The words are beautiful and should be shared so if it becomes a real problem you could always hide it and then re-post it using a different font. Your word choices are soft and full of passion and I'm sure that those who read it will thing of their own mother just as I did.
blessings....Marilyn.......oh, I got so caught up in this that I forgot to welcome you to TPL...hope to see more of your work soon.
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