This Poem was Submitted By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-07-06 22:50:30 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Electric Activity....Brain Diversity

                                                    Electric activity creates brain diversity.....a seizure opportunity at hand I heard an echo rumble...then the smell of early rain....somewhere far away..... and I knew I was in trouble. I felt the power of those forces, the flush of heat that warmed my blood and chilled my skin. I offered my resistance but,  I already knew that it was useless. Those first few seconds told it all. I sat down on the floor, cold tile;  it's better not to fall better for me not to fight back. ....better for me to take the attack, let loose the electic activity... I am afraid. The reality of this seizure has come to me, hiding somewhere, trying to hold back..... .......It makes no difference now.  tiny neurons buzzing in their channels  striking out for its receptor  bouncing back undelivered. These are the lost neurons of an epileptic seizure. Their fury is noisy as they slam back and forth "wham- wah-wham- echoing  the sound of thunder." On the floor I try to stave off the attack but I am slipping into the  deep the sound is beginning to swallow my head. My last plausable thought,  "I must leave this place quickly! I want no one to see! Only everyone did see. They looked upon me with eyes of curiosity....waiting...waiting to see "what kind of person would rise up from this." I am deft to their quiz. I want to leave.  I am not afraid anymore. I know what has happened, I know......  I know that I am lost. I can't remember how I got here. It seems that someone far away was calling me but I don't remember. I hope that no one questions me I don't know what to say yet.....but it will all come back to me.. As I regain my thoughts, I realize I must go home. I can walk westward, quietly, on this unfamiliar sidewalk. Until I find my way...or remember..or  find a phone. It has not occured to me to do anything else.. I have not remembered yet but I left my purse behind. I am wandering hopelessly,  blank and devoid of any possibilites I keep on moving. I am safe walking. It is quiet here and there aren't many cars around. Yes I am safe again and I feel better. As I begin to recall the things that are solid- the 'who', 'what', and 'where' of it; I vow to myself never to go back there again. The people who watched are afraid of me now I left them wondering, offered no explanation  gave no one an answer. I wonder what I said,hope I said nothing, but I am not ashamed.  I am humiliated. I am sorry. Sorry that it happened sorry you were there sorry I didn't get out soon enough. I am alone now. I am not afraid I will wander here on these cool streets in the evening air, and .... I will not fight.  Better for me to prepare for the attack...and let loose of the electric activity.

Copyright © July 2006 Ellen K Lewis

Additional Notes:
I've had seizures for 35 years. Quite often, at the onset of a seizure I will cry out involuntarily, which gets everybodys attention. I have been accused of being on drugs, drunk, crazy, etc. This is a common problem for people with 'tonic clonic'/ 'grand mal' type seizures. Other types of seizures can make a person irrational, or mean. Some seizures cause sudden vomiting, urinating or worse. Once I had a woman tell me that I should stay at home and not be out in town, if I were going to carry on like that. This poem has been revised from it's original form. The original was published here in 2004. It was also published in a newsletter sent out by a humanities organization. It has never recieved any 'awards' , nor did it win the contest back in '04. So, I've decided to try again. All comments and questions are welcomed!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2006-08-06 07:49:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ellen, This emotional and very poignant write brought tears to my eyes. One could almost 'feel' the waves of emotion you must have experienced here...the fear, anxiety, shame, and yes even the defiance. It's all here in these heart-wrenching words. This must have been a very difficult one for you to write, my friend. I applaud your courage and fortitude, Ellen! Despitie the doleful content, I liked this piece very much. It gives us a rare glimpse inside the author's heart. Brava! Goes on my list to be sure. Thanks for sharing this 'personl' piece with all of us here. I shall light a candle for you tonight. Wamrly, Mary

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-08-02 20:10:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
oh my God Ellen this is such a gift to me. I have worked with people with this condition since I have been 17 yr. old and am now 53..and have never had the opportunity to understand how it effects them, how they really feel and the way they experience it themselves. I know how some people treat you differently, afraid of you etc..and I get very angry, igorance is horrific. You have written a powerful and dramatic poem here, one from honest and painful experience. You are to be commended for your courage to do so, and praised for your powerful voice. Bravo! Nancy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-07-10 00:00:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dearest Ellen, You have without reservation given us a look into the world of an epileptic, a subject that far too little is known or addressed. From the first word to the last, you had my attention. Each statement pulled me through to the next, while a bit difficult as to meter to read, the subject and verbiage begged me to continue. Thank you for presenting this unusual work to us and for trusting us enough to share. Line fourteen you've misspelled electric, don't know if that was on purpose or a typo. I hope and believe this will help to get the message out, I hope it will help to eradicate the stupidity with which people view others with handicaps. Best always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-07-08 08:56:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Ellen....first let me tell you that I am sorry you suffer from a seizure disorder. Having worked in the medical profession for years I have seen my share of patients with seizure activity. My heart always went out to them and I wished there was more that could be done to help them. Having said that, this poem is so gut wrenching...it went right to my core. Your descriptors are so graphic and the sadness is paramount in each line. The bold dark font serves to make an even greater impact to the words. You have created such clear images and to know that you are writing from your own experiences is even more powerful. In the ending of this piece you feel compelled to apologize for having the seizure where people could witness it and that is so sad...it is not your fault and if people are offended by it then that is their fault. I tried to pick out a favorite stanza or line but after reading it three times I just couldn't make a choice. In your additional notes you tell us that some have thought you were on drugs or drunk or crazy...I know that is true. People do become uncomfortable when the see something they don't understand and their reaction is usually a negative one. They are to be pitied for their narrow mindedness. This is a good poem about a misunderstood illness that has inflicted many people...I am so sorry you are one of them. your writing skills are very apparent here. You have written this with deep emotion and passion....well done! Blessings....Marilyn
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