This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2006-07-12 12:16:49 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Seaside Serenade
Beneath
brick-dust skies,
twilight’s
sultry shadow
echoes Sirens' luring harmonies
maritime melodies resonate
summoning sailors to rocky shoals
to relinquish their sea-bound souls
telling tales of
Yemaya’s progeny
Daughter of the Sea
watch for her
in evening’s half-light
while spring-tides surge
emerging
beclouded in mist
from the gates of Atlantis
breaching brackish swells
onto harbor’s quayside
imagination
her palette,
the heavens her muse,
her coral quill engraves
glistening flaxen shores
with enticing ephemeral etchings
until lathered surf
rushes in
repossessing her impressions as its own
and nightfall
sequesters sunset’s russet tones…
she slowly drifts away,
silently swaying
to lilting lullabies of the deep
under moonlight’s magical silvern breadth
cradled,
in the flowing arms of sinuous seas
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Copyright © July 2006 Mary J Coffman
Additional Notes:
Yamaya - W African Goddess of the Sea
This is a birthday gift to one of my best friends, who is also a wonderful poetess. She has a passion for the sea, and its mythology. Happy Birthday, Annie, I love ya!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-08-02 19:51:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
this is lovely..I really enjoyed all your alliteraton placed throughout, you painted beautiful images with your words.. this is not a long critique I just went on site to try and add some poems to my list..etc..and I really liked this piece. ((Nancy))
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-07-31 19:54:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
Such a pleasure to find this picturesque reading on the list. Wonderful verbiage, soulful, alureing, aresting beckoning us on with each well turned phrase, coaxing us to reach further with each image laid at our eye's door....I could become lost here, never wanting to return to the realm of here and now. For me this was soft, delicious and comforting...alive and free. I thouroughly enjoyed this write, though you could have closed with "sequesters sunset’s russet tones…" and left of the last six lines....however, that's just me...loved the whole of this...your friend will also.
Warmest,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2006-07-30 10:33:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary,
I know you didn't purposely pen this one for me,
but I did feel strangely like you had when I was
reading and feeling all this lovely poem has to offer.
My favorite part ids:
"silently swaying
to lilting lullabies of the deep
under moonlight’s magical silvern breadth"
The ebb and flow of this is perfect.
I don't have any critique to offer as
to me it is stunning and perfect.
Thanks for this lovely gift, I'm sure your friend appreciates the kindness.
Best,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrans Glen Vining On Date: 2006-07-27 09:16:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Very language rich visual images of a woman and her romance with the sea.
I like the way the poet skillfully reveals the nature of her friend.
Especially the lines:
'imagination
her palette,
the heavens her muse,
her coral quill engraves
glistening flaxen shores
with enticing ephimeral etchings'
I am a little puzzled by the lines:
'she slowly drifts away
silently swaying
to the lilting lullabies
of the deep
under moonlight's magical silvern breadths
cradled,
in the flowing arms of sinuous seas'
I think the poet is saying she see's her friend
growing older- drifting away- in comfortable
writing and dreaming poems of the sea. A beautiful
way of friendship to share with others.
I also like the poem's realism.
'until lathered surf
rushes in
reposessing her impressions
as its own'
No matter what we think, or dream. A poem
may capture memorable photographs of nature's moments.
Moments erased by the changes of season, or in this case
the tides.
Yet those moments are enough to make the reader
sigh, laugh, cry.
All in all this poem is a vividly rememorable work of art.
That makes the poem worth good rating.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-07-18 06:24:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary.....this is a lovley poem that is well crafted. It is brimming with wonderful descriptors that created beautiful images in my mind. As you probably know I love to write about nature and even though I am hopelessly land locked I also often write about the sea. "Beneath brick-dust skies" got my attention and you never let up until the end. You continued to appeal to my senses with your evocative words and soft phrases of the sea at her best. "Beclouded in mist" is another phrase I wish I had written as well as "Sequesters sunset's russet tones" This poem as an "old" feel to it as if it had been written by Shakespear or Stevenson, I love that in a poem....your words inspire me just as much as theirs. Don't ever stop writing as you have an obvious gift for the written word....bravo
Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-07-12 20:59:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hi again! Yes I definately like this read better. I have to tell you that it is really very hard to go back and look at someone's poem the second time. ! . I really want to do it justice and be as absolutly helpful as I can; but I'm afraid of saying tooooo much. This is a test and a good one, for sure. I can't really remember everything I said the first time- I hope I'm not too picky (smile).
I really do like it better with the new line change:
until lathered surf (I can see it...)
rushes in (strong and mighty now!)
repossessing her impressions as its own (yes!)
Now I am a little confused. Did you also change the meter in a few places? I think it reads really well, the waves just feel different...(smile).
Great poem! I really like it. No more suggestions for change-I think it's right on!
Kudos!
Ellen
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