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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-07-13 14:45:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Fantasy

I placed my emotions in A brown paper wrapper And threw it to the winds I was in earshot of the Sea when the ribboned air Rolled over wave after wave How airy and un-earthed I felt, like a ripple That could eclipse time Fearless and guileless As a seraph on wing I watched my worries Wag as if on water. The Virtue of all this is my Pursuit of colossal tranquility

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-08-06 19:27:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, Another thought full poem. I like it. Oh if it could be that easy! The symbol of doing it actually does help.' I must try it..... Sorry I'm so late.... Just wanted to say it's quite nice. Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-07-23 12:19:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87097
Hello, Marilyn! This is a stirring piece. I think I would like to put my emotional baggage into a brown paper bag too. What a really neat way to express yourself! The only 'nit' I see is in your last two verses where you drag one sentence down to the following verse. (watched my worries wag). Such a tiny thing I know. Still, just something to think about in the event you enter this into another contest, or repost it. I think it is very visual and airy. I like it alot! Ellen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2006-07-18 13:40:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, I've spent some time recently at another website, and it is amazing the extent of what I'll call "house style," but what is really a period style that makes poetry more akin to journalism. Everyone writes the same; it's the imposition of the preferences of professors of creative writing programs and workshops; if you want to be published and thought "good" you have to write like that; and, I can spot it a thousand miles away, and it makes me sick of poetry. That's how bad it is. Anway, thanks for this breath of fresh air. Home sweet home. Each successive poem from you, I witness your growth as a writer. It's fun to watch. Seems to me you're headed on the WRITE course. Don't go to a workshop or think about an MFA. Unless you want to be published. By THEM. But screw 'em, says I. Self-publish. Like Whitman. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-07-16 12:58:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I like this poem much more than the other. It is like an exercise to bring justification to the conclusion and to the inspired, yet somewhat juxtoposed use of putting "colossal" and "tranquility" together. The "brown paper wrapper" is a social indictment of a culture emmersed in cliche' while "ribboned air" and "Wag as if on water" are imagery at its best. You have the ability to make something at first seem simplistic, only to end in biting us at our backdoor. That's an interesting quality. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-07-15 15:20:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn Wonderfully written, great feel with the flow and verbiage. This piece in it's self helps to usher in tranquility, yes, I agree a colossal pursuit and sometimes it feels like it is something we won't obtain. I was capture by each and every word, riding them on their journey, floating, flying, seeking till they crested in your final line....ah, sweet tranquility. Very refreshing poem for a weary soul, thank you. Blessings, Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2006-07-14 13:31:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, This is stunning! I adore your word choices, and the subject, as well. The title is perfect! It grabbed my attention, and drew m right in...hook, line, and sinker! "I placed my emotions in A brown paper wrapper And threw it to the winds" .....I LOVE this first stanza! WOW! what an opening! So many times I have wished I could do just this, cast all my worries to the winds and be done with it. Love the "brown paper wrapper" used here. How absoltely perfect! "I was in earshot of the Sea when the ribboned air Rolled over wave after wave" ......."...ribboned air..." Excellent use of metaphor/similie here, Marilyn. Such a pleasing, and vivid description. Produces such wonderful images in the mind. Plus, I could almost "feel" it gently gliding over my skin, and see it flowing over the waves. Mmmmmmm..... "How airy and un-earthed I felt, like a ripple That could eclipse time" ......Can almost deel orselves "riding" like a feather atop that breeze here... wave over wave... how very soothing this stanza is. Bursting with imagery, and tranquility. "Fearless and guileless As a seraph on wing I watched my worries Wag as if on water. The Virtue of all this is my Pursuit of colossal tranquility" .......Such a "purity" and "calmness" in these last lines. Left me sighing, and so relaxed. *big smiles* Like how you introduced "seraph" into ths, giving it an almost ethereal feel. Also like the use of the words "vrtue" (adds to the sense of purity in these lines), and "colossal," this word giving it that feeling of being overwhelmed by something so beauful, and soothing. So very well penned, my friend. In all it's simplicity, the wonderful descriptions create such beautiful imagery in my mind as I read through this! So amny layers here... Yet, another treat for the mind from you! Thanks for sharing this, Marilyn. I enjoyed this very much. Goes on my list!! Brava! Warmly, Mary

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2006-07-13 15:36:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn--A naturesque and poignant write with the sea included, what more could anyone want. Enthralling imagery presented in this metaphoric verbiage, especially similes: "...like a ripple That could eclipse time" "...guileless As a seraph on wing" "...Wag as if on water." Scribe/speaker depicts the beauty of nature in this wonderful search (and as always) for solace. Thanks for sharing this up- lifting offering. TLW

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