This Poem was Submitted By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-11-17 10:40:29 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Have To Go In

As I unloaded my bag from the taxi I sucked hard on my last cigarette  with deep regrets and anxiety mounting, my heart pounding I recounted it all again and again trying to stall the inevitable end. I drew harder on my cigarette. How could I have done this? I was pacing on the sidewalk; excuse me, excuse me too many strangers and some were real strange I could still run-the choice was mine I was free to go anytime. My feet carried weights and my knees wouldn't bend I knew that I would have to go in....have to go in... The lady at the admissions desk with her serene smile have a seat it will be a little while I sat and chewed till I had no nails went outside again, fresh smoke in my lungs I really didn't want to be here! But I was here and I was going back in. The little bracelot on my arm a girl with a wheelchair and it was done "make yourself comfortable, this is your room the doctor will probably visit you soon." For 7 days I watched tv  and chewed my nails endlessly on the eigth day a technichian came in his bouncing stride and widened grin "hi there! are we ready to begin?" I'm ready to leave-I'm ready to run! I should have known what I hadn't seen. I asked him "what's the drill for?" and as it started to whine another came in to hold my hand and help me pretend that all will be well in the end and this proceedure will help them begin the long quest of mapping my brain. I didn't run but I did sleep one hundred and fortytwo days and when I awoke I didn't know I had lost my temporal lobe. I didn't know the time or place or from where I had come I didn't recognize you there and, Mom I'm really sorry. It wasn't fair for you to wait and watch me as I slept but I appreciate the gift you gave and your lack of selfishness. I mourn the day you went away I can't recall...did I ever say.. thank you...?.... Thank you for helping me to chose the better way to heal I'm really much healthier now and I owe my strength to you. I know that you're in Heaven and I hope that you can hear I really can't recall though.... ....did I ever say 'thank you'?

Copyright © November 2006 Ellen K Lewis

Additional Notes:
Sometimes we humans have to go back...back to where we've already been. This is my reflection of the days back in 1995.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2006-12-05 07:29:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45455
This reflection as you call it has brought to life those days you lived back then; so very real as I watched you pace back and forth, puffing on that cigarette before you finally went inside...........the lady with her smile telling you to sit its going to be awhile.....Lord, I would have run myself.........Your words just flowed poet, not once did you hesitate in your mission of recall.........good job, well done......... I do appreciate the mention of your mother in the closing stanzas for where would any of us be without our mom? Nibe lived with us till she passed on into God's Heavenly Garden and though I was her caretaker she really took care of me.... Thanks for posting and sharing this time with us............I look forward to more of your work. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-11-18 16:16:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hi Ellen....this is such a powerful poem and one that kept me on the edge of my seat. I am glad this horror is behind you and you will never have to visit that space in time again. So you must have been in a drug induced coma so your brain could heal? Obviously you didn't lose all your frontal lobe...thank God. I dont know what type of brain injury you sustained but it must have been awful. You have written an accounting of these events very well. There is an aura of mystery that keeps the reader engaged until the very last word. Your last stanza has a powerful impact on the reader which makes this a very compelling read. Very well done and best wishes to you. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-11-18 07:10:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ellen, because of the close personal nature of the story here, how exceedingly rare it is that someone even can tell it, and of its multi-level nature (your coming to terms with radical brain surgery/the loss of time and the duration of the recovery period/loss of your mother before recovery/ feelings of "unfinished business" in settling things with your mother...all are meat enough for free verse. Rhyme can sometimes seem to trivialize the impact, and I believe it does here. Not that the poem does not still stand as impacting, your honesty and ability to capture those moments of trepidation pull your reader into those anxieties with you. As a story, even a drama, it has the dramatic core of a good play. And it has the "meat" to fulfill every requirement to, in every way, satisfy an audience developed into a play. You know me, I'm no purist, I enjoyed this just as it is. But the world sees things differently. If the little girl takes the Hope Diamond to show and tell when the teacher has settled on cowboys and Indians for a theme, splendor might have to take a back seat to "poor citizenship". What you have here could do justice to an epic poem of some 30 pages or more, where form is concerned. Where it is not, it could be magnificent in one. Stand back and think about it. Then, if you disagree, it's your story and you can tell me to climb a tree. I might get more oxygen to the brain that way and see something I missed. I just bashed my nose with a wrecking bar while clearing the concrete out of a post-hole. Maybe the heavens have taking a part in telling me where to better put it. Oh well, be that as it may, so far, your poem is in second place with me this month. JCH
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