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EXPOSED Now with the wood exposed naked now, posed in skeletal frame toyed with by winds like old ogres shrugging off wants ugly shame. Then when they worked with no ending then, when they toiled for low pay cold, cloaks the ghosts of our fathers watching our wandering ways. Long have nude limbs haunted children long, have west winds blown fear and children the ghouls hold so precious when haunts of phantasms draw near. See, while the woodlands sleep barren, see through these torturous times winter’s land suddenly sullen temptation is teeming with rhymes hear what the spirits are singing, waltzing, with trunk and bare branch ghosts will forever be watching, hoping your life’s a long dance. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-12-06 10:06:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95238
Mark, here you are on the road to something more remarkable
than your last poem I critiqued. Creating only partially the
euphemism of our systemic ills "exposed" your singular flaw
is in not reaching a strong unifying last line...almost anything
would be better than a salutory well wish.
Your strength is in a powerful intensity delivered in a graphical
manner solely your own. It is like a dying breath not to build
toward an ending more dynamic.
You metaphorically enhance a wonderful image of Man's house, of
wood, of haunting memories, of woodlands "suddenly sullen" when
they, as Man "exposed" to "winter", are bared.
Indeed, "ghosts will forever be watching", but not dancing.
Just a few simple changes and you have successful poem. I'm
looking for a big stick now.
JCH