This Poem was Submitted By: Mark D. Kilburn On Date: 2006-11-20 11:17:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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EXPOSED

Now with the wood  exposed naked now,  posed in skeletal frame toyed with by winds  like old ogres  shrugging off wants ugly shame. Then when they worked  with no ending then, when they toiled for low pay cold, cloaks the ghosts  of our fathers watching our wandering ways. Long have nude limbs  haunted children long,  have west winds blown fear and children the ghouls  hold so precious when  haunts of phantasms draw near. See, while the woodlands sleep barren, see through these torturous times winter’s land suddenly sullen temptation is teeming  with rhymes hear what the spirits  are singing, waltzing,  with trunk and bare branch ghosts will forever be                 watching, hoping your life’s a long dance.

Copyright © November 2006 Mark D. Kilburn


This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-12-06 10:06:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95238
Mark, here you are on the road to something more remarkable than your last poem I critiqued. Creating only partially the euphemism of our systemic ills "exposed" your singular flaw is in not reaching a strong unifying last line...almost anything would be better than a salutory well wish. Your strength is in a powerful intensity delivered in a graphical manner solely your own. It is like a dying breath not to build toward an ending more dynamic. You metaphorically enhance a wonderful image of Man's house, of wood, of haunting memories, of woodlands "suddenly sullen" when they, as Man "exposed" to "winter", are bared. Indeed, "ghosts will forever be watching", but not dancing. Just a few simple changes and you have successful poem. I'm looking for a big stick now. JCH


This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-11-26 20:22:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Mark, This piece is intriguing, in an eerie way for me. It starts out strong - imagery & rhyming scheme, lead the reader flawlessly into your 2nd verse. This reader can see, the cold barren land, the trees, tall dark ogres without leaves. I might work with the last verse, just a bit by perhaps omitting "waltzing", because I think it would read better that way. All in all, an enjoyable read on our ever changing seasons. Sincerely, Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-11-25 09:05:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
oh Mark I do love the meter of this piece and your rhyme scheme is lovely..makes the reader drift along your lines. I love all the images that you present..and the metaphores of "tree branches"etc...it has a "haunting" feel to it..I know that might seem obvious but I am writing it anyway..I see you only have 1 other comment and I think that is a shame, this is lovely and so well written. This is the stanza that most hit me "Long have nude limbs haunted children long, have west winds blown fear and children the ghouls hold so precious when haunts of phantasms draw near." I feel it is a metaphore for child abuse, am I right? thanks for sharing this with me it is very vivid and worth the read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-11-20 21:35:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, I think this could have been for Halloween. Its got the ghost spirits ghouls, haunted children. Wonderful images throughout. I loved the flow...it just pulled you along stanza by stanza. Phantasms is gooooooood. The only thing disappointing was the last line. Like a cop out.... Maybe something like 'as you dance the trance called your life.' Just something different/unusual....... Love you and your stuff! Love bare trees and all their possabilities. dellena
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