This Poem was Submitted By: Joan M Whiteman On Date: 2007-01-17 13:07:07 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Undone Vanity
thy name is
Biblical,
proportional to the
winding wall of china
left broken in the wake
of hurricanes and old uncles.
You never remembered
my birthday or
anniversaries or
to pick up bread and milk or
the day my father died.
I had to be mindful of
closing doors,
opening statements
and pepper on salad
lest all be
lost. |
|
Copyright © January 2007 Joan M Whiteman
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ashni Irey On Date: 2007-02-07 21:57:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
You know .. I really enjoyed the simplicity of this poem. I especially liked the last paragraph with closing doors and opening statements. I found that very original. This poem flows very well and really makes me feel like there are so many people out there who can feel the same emotion you describe .. and the title was apt! :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-01-27 12:15:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joan....Yes vanity is biblical...the oldest trait know and it abides in too many of us. To live with someone so self absorbed can be a burden and very tricky. You point out, so poetically, that everything must be done just right for this vain and selfish person...lest all be lost. Birthdays, anniversaries and even a simple task, like stopping at the store, are all lost on someone who thinks only of him/her self. I like the way you have structured this poem..the line breaks make it easy to read without punctuation. This is an excellent piece....well done.
cheers...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-01-20 11:00:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
I think this poem needs more! Another verse to close? I really like it.
proportional to the
winding wall of china.....what a great comparison! I am left to wonder how you thought of that!
Vanity...left open...old uncles....interesting combinations leaving this reader leaning toward abuse(?) Or at the least, neglect. The ending verse leaves me feeling as if there is so much more to this 'tale' and I need more to understand....Were you orphaned? Left to be raised by your uncle?
closing doors and opening statements came with a neat surprise! I like it. I just need more to understand the depth of these deeply wrought emotions (assuming there are deeper feelings here).
Your title doesn't really say anything. It offers no clues!
None the less, I like it. It is a thought provoking piece. Smiles, Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-01-18 14:52:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Good meter and word flow poet, enjoyed the read and the images you have created with your pen. Lot to take in and so well written. Thanks for posting and sharing your talent. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-01-18 11:07:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joan,
Your poetic voice hasn’t missed a beat in either meter or flow. You’ve connected all three stanza’s beautifully with your first word in your opening line; vanity is such a destructive force, old as time and can destroy the largest to the smallest of all things. Arrogance walks hand in hand with vanity; political correctness; social climate often cloud the issues and vanity continues on. So much wisdom in so few words. (like the trinity effect)
Vanity
thy name is
Biblical,
proportional to the
winding wall of china
left broken in the wake
of hurricanes and old uncles. “like; pride goes before a fall- this also can be an undoing; purpose aside---things of man not of divinity and how many are left in the wake of ones vanity?â€
You never remembered
my birthday or
anniversaries or
to pick up bread and milk or
the day my father died. “self absorption is a form of vanity, so very cruel and thoughtlessâ€
I had to be mindful of
closing doors,
opening statements
and pepper on salad
lest all be
lost. “again, concern for what others would think, another form of vanity, social standing and proprieties of manâ€
Very enjoyable read from your well accomplished pen, no nits from this reader. Hope to see more of your work soon. Thank you for the post.
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-01-17 14:11:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jane, having grown up among Blue Laws and at tables where one was regarded
disrespectful if they didn't break a slice of already thin-cut bread, well
do I know from whence you come. These practices and all their attendant
superstition obtained nothing, less than nothing, for all the good they
did. Like giving organized crime a fat business monopoly with Prohibition.
"old uncles" in relation to the Great Wall is a splendid illusion.
At least, in the scope of time, the Great Wall was prophylactic if not to become
a good tourist attraction.
I think, sadly, we have a recent submission whose author would retire into such
tensil trappings. Rather than weigh things any other way. A most unnecessary
resignation. Perhaps it is but misplaced loyalty, I hope so.
Of course, and as you suggest, it is what we REPLACE with these ritual practices
that is the bite. Like common decency and common sense.
JCH
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