This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-02-10 19:04:49 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Sing Lady
her song dances
upon my tongue
as monolithic silhouettes
trumpet the dawn
and first-light filters
through the adagio of an agate sky
casting its blush on
progressions of rolling hills
where Mara waters open
to Serengeti sands
bands of black and white
an allegro of hooves
surges across an emerald palatte
to suckle from her verdant breast
her marrow nurtured
on the timbre of tanzanite tears,
from eyes of Kilimanjaro,
and carbon stars borne of her womb
like an ancient baobab,
she plants her roots deep within my heart
cradling me
in the sanctuary of her embrace
a timeless pause
while sundown summons the gloaming
crescendo turns to coda
day’s refrain playing its pastoral concerto
to an ocherous orb
sinking in cinnamon seas
and clouds turn forth their silver lining
to the looming laughter of night
her pulse quickens
rising,
falling,
rising,
falling,
to pounding red rhythms
of Masai drums
…and her song
dances
upon my tongue
~ |
|
Copyright © February 2007 Mary J Coffman
Additional Notes:
For my dear friend in South Africa...
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jenni M Meredith On Date: 2007-03-07 21:55:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I really enjoyed reading this poem. The descriptions are vivid and concrete with so many colourful images. It is easy to 'see' as you read. the rhythm works really well for me and echoes the dancing song of the subject matter. The layout echoes the content will too. I like the tight language, the way you make words work and your choices of words.
The alliteration is strong throughout and not overpowering, but binds it together like an underlying beat.
The many music words (adagio, crescendo, progression, rolling, etc) give the piece a wonderful musical quality and the development of the poem and the changing terrain it describes as a metaphor for the rise and fall of life works really well too. The many deep colours in your descriptions create vibrant mental images so your poem feasts the inner eye as well as the ear!
I also liked the way you start and end with the song dancing on your tongue. That gives the impression of continuity, the eternal circle. etc.
Thanks for sharing this
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-03-04 15:37:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Mary a colorful and entrancing vision!! From the “upon my tongue†to “verdant breast†this is a living tribute, filled with the life of Africa itself, to the life and lives interaction of your friend.
It is both sensual and physical, spiritual and evolutionary. I could hear the “masai drums†when the verse wound down to songs and dances (again “upon my tongueâ€) from the “rising and falling†of “red rhythmsâ€.
In a sensual appearance, we have “her marrow nurturedâ€, “eyes of Kilimanjaro, “
“borne of her wombâ€, “plants her roots†“deep within my heart†“sanctuary of her embraceâ€, that keeps us alive in your piece.
From the “coda†to the symphony we become a part of the “songâ€.
This was a fascinating piece well worth the read. Other than wishing your style was a little more compressed, I find nothing but joy in the reading of this piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-02-12 05:08:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Beautifully sharred this one brings forth the beauty of the country, the people, the surroundings, the mountains, you bring it all to life not only in images but in sounds as well. One can hear the sound of the drums and singing as the Masai drums continue to play. Nothing to offer in the form of changes for this one will stand on its own. Thank you for posting, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-02-12 00:33:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Mary, this is awesome! I really like this. I have to tell you that I spent a little while trying to figure it out, to understand it enough to give you a fair crit. It is intriguing enough that I wanted to know more. I feel like you have a masterpiece here! Reading it aloud, I find that it has a delightful temperment and that it does, indeed, dance on the tongue.
as monolithic silhouettes
trumpet the dawn
and first-light filters
through the adagio of an agate sky (beautiful scenery and backdrop!)
casting its blush on
progressions of rolling hills
where Mara waters open
to Serengeti sands....(I love that! these two verses taken together have given me alot of
imagery and ground....)
(I notice you don't have any extra words forced in there, and that the words you have chosen are STAR material)
(the single sentences are a perfect fit)
sinking in cinnamon seas.....the 'ssssssss' is great for dancing....
Just the thought of that night falling is scary! You leave me with a taste of a mysterious quality...
This is excellently written! You deserve bunches of roses for this one.....Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-02-11 23:50:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Well, Mary, you just committed every sin known to Mr. Dean. Deliciously.
The instrument of directing a reader on how to read the poem, something I
mentioned in the thing-not-worthy-of-a-debate that we partook in with him
is well refined in your poem, a poem I might add that might be taken to pay
homage to the African White Goddess.
I might have refrained from technical music element ("crescendo turns to coda")
to be more in keeping with the more classical/mythical tone of the poem.
"tanzanite tears" is most meaningful to one who knows the gemstone but the
exotic relieves it of any requirement they must.
"ocherous orb/sinking in cinnamon seas" does not evoke the imagery it might
in more contrast. Ocher has the color of cinnamon and its namesake cinnibar,
the ore of mercury. As I drink in the richness of what you give, more
colors contrasting would be nice.
Small things, something to think about.
Very enjoyable by someone familiar with the Dark Continent that isn't
all that dark.
I would be remiss, however, not to mention that hoofs, even their sound
and the play of it, must be owned by something more substantial in order to
suckle. The reader will have problems with this and it is disruptive to an
otherwise flowing poem. Tell us a little more about to what these hoofs belong.
Hooves is fine, but hoofs if preferred.
Now, Mary, I've seen what you're capable. I'll be bearing down on you.
At least until I get Mr. Dean out of my craw.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-02-10 20:58:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Mary,
Simply breath taking. Can find no nits structurally, good cadence and timbre through out. I could smell the savanah, hear the ney of zebra and the sounds of Africa were alive-- you've definitely tickled all the senses here. Superb--two red roses at your feet.
Lora
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