This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-02-18 20:00:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Remnants

Lullabies,     tangled echoes             of honeyed voices                  impregnate my memory ruddled reminders       a perianth of petals               strewn        like bloodstained litter                         â€¦dying                     on the wilton black carpet of sleep ~

Copyright © February 2007 Mary J Coffman

Additional Notes:
Playing with metaphors....again. :)


This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-03-07 19:49:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
A poem that deserves closer inspection than cursory. Most of the images are well unified in meanings, some parallelist, like: the comparison of wilting petals to "bloodstained litter". In the dreamscape of sleep, memories are indeed "ruddled reminders", if not rudderless. That I would hesitate to reference my own dreamscape with "lullabies", still the subject is remnants and that might lend to comparison of dreaming WITH the "tangled echos" some experiences come to be with the mind and its blending of the past with the present. The reader becomes taken with the tone of this poem, one, in a moment somewhat morose, then contemplative. In the end it brings self-reflection and that's success. JCH


This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-03-05 10:05:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Mary, Awesome, drifting through childhood memories--that state that is not yet seduced by sleep nor awake, the journey is often odd what it brings forth-- a perpetual calender of life. Enjoyed this, no nit from this reader. Namaste' Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-03-04 18:34:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77273
Hi Mary.....linteresting poem and you play well with metaphors. I should find me a course so I can study up on all your abilities to be so creative. Thanks for posting, be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-03-01 19:24:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Dear Mary, I'm wondering if this piece, is a result of your car accident. "Wilton black carpet of sleep", is why I thought that, perhaps the black - signifying the road maybe. All in all, it is thought provoking, and the style you chose, makes the read a bit eerie to me. Bloodstained litter, makes me think, again it could be about the accident, with the pieces of the accident surrounding you that were bloodstained. I'm just not sure, I do like the poem, but the general meaning is escaping me tonight. Could be me too, I'm exahusted - but trying to catch up on some poetry reading. Good write, sincerely, Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2007-02-22 14:50:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, Love that last line: "on the wilton black carpet of sleep." But lines 2 through 4 - you're better than that. Come on. From what I've read of your other work, you have vast potential. You need to be harder on yourself, and avoid the sloppiness that can produce lines 2 through 4. Take it from a lazy bastard, who can preach better than he can do - though that hardly recommends me. At last I know I'm a lazy bastard. And a sinner. And . . . that's half the game. The other half is amending. Let's get to work. Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-02-19 20:27:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, It all sounds good, I'm just unsure what red petals, maybe the sepals or stamen/blood of black sleep. Seems a bit scarey for a child. Like bad memories maybe. Afraid to sleep. ? I need help. Dellena
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