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This Poem was Submitted By: charles r pitts On Date: 2007-02-20 18:42:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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haiku

jewel glittering treasure you sparkle and shine too bad someone else found first your face once i saw thoughtful, detached, so alone i could watch for hours one act of kindness and forever will you be remembered fondly my darkest moment burned away like morning fog by those smiling eyes legs for days, an ass to die for and perfect breasts the boys and girls howl luckier than me? only the next person to stand where i am now

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-03-06 03:07:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Charles, Lovely well penned poem. However, your clasification should be not be haikus because I don't believe these would be considered haiku but rather senryu; my reason is thus: "senryu, another three-line, 5-7-5 style that is NOT nature-based, but is much more open in both subject matter (including the human side of existence) and subjective viewpoint, incorporating at times, even humor and political content. Your execution of the style is right on and regardless of what you call your stanzas, your poem is deeply romantic and a pleasant read. Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-02-22 18:36:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Nice to find your work again poet.........I personally cannot do one haiku and here you have so many together so nicely.......interesting one you speak of..........they say haiku reflect nature yet this is a masterpiece in iteself. Thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2007-02-22 15:00:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Charles, The emergence of that "ass to die for" . . . like black petals on a wet, black bough. Not quite sure if that stark contrast helps, or hurts. I've settled on helps because the rest is sort of nondescript. On the positive side it has focus, and reins in ambition. But when I pick up a pen ambition . . . a different voice than mine here. So I'm not sure I can help, or if my comments have any value. But I could never connect with you at all if I just passed this over and said nothing. If I don't connect, or if the only connection feels like a punch, I'm sorry. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-02-21 10:56:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Hi Charles....to be able to write a poem of this length in haiku form takes talent. Me thinks you may be in love....or perhaps just longing to be. Either way you have written a lovely poem about a woman who is no doubt captivating. 'legs for days' is an exceptional description of her long legs. I think my favorite haiku (and it was very hard to chose) is... my darkest moment burned away like morning fog by those smiling eyes..............while most haiku is written about nature I find this one exceptional....well done. cheers, Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2007-02-21 06:42:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Charles Love the poem, hate the title. You should've called it "Jewel", since haiku is not only "incorrect" but adds nothing but a distracting reminder that this is NOT a haiku, and "jewel" sits there doing diddly squat so could have served a better purpose as a title. This is really nit-picky, I know. Oh well. But I know, I know, it's a haiku structure in each stanza. Well, I suppose if it's good enogh for Shakespeare to call a sonnet "Sonnet #x" then who am I to complain. But it's redundant. Other than that ... ? Loved the poem. Nice and fresh and light and, dammit, I know just what you mean. Best wishes Mark.

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