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The Wind Tunnels Sitting On the Bottom or'neath the wind tunnels does it blow with a force of gale as I've not ever known I can hear them breathing, I can feel the sway ..but the wind blows over ..the ground gets colder ..stones lay silent again at once there is a calm and I hold my breath it seems none would release them the air is ready for expulsion and I to become free ... but no, it is too late to make an eternal exit for within the winds the times have passed over a swelling as a fire storm erupts above the air and still I am alone here, on the bottom. |
Additional Notes:
or'neath= over and under and all around, encompasing and joining.....
(I just wanted to try something new)
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-03-01 10:52:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Hi Ellen....such a melancholy poem with a somewhat sad message. I'm going to noodle with your first two lines...now this is just a suggestion and in no way do you have to agree! How about...
'neath tunnels of wind, blowing with a
force I've never known...or blowing with a gale such as I've ever known. I don't think you need 'gale' and 'force' as they mean the same.
also I would delete both 'cans' in the next line
(but) the wind blows over....delete 'but'
"and I to become free" is a bit choppy...what if you say;
for me to become free
(the) times have passed over,....need comma here
I love the ending of this poem...it is unexpected and packs a good punch! Well Done!!
cheers....Marilyn