This Poem was Submitted By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2007-03-19 18:20:00 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Because of Him I Can Wait Patiently

    ~~*~~   ~~*~~ He was a disabled farm hand here on earth who knew more about pain than seems fair His short life was long. He lays in ashes now. As dust  suits a man Whose body is shed at last and His work has been accomplished! He feels a new peace and then within his soul he feels joy In the light that feels no pain  he steps softly and discovers He is at his best now! He is on top of the world and he isn't looking down All of his reflections are high vivid in this moment forever He is never forgotten. He is a new man! He is the spirit and soul of the old man renewed and now whole. When we see him again we will know him No circle will be broken.

Copyright © March 2007 Ellen K Lewis

Additional Notes:
Another memoir for my lost friend, Rick. (1952-2007)


This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-04-04 12:17:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I want you, Ellen, to rely more on imagery to tell your story than you have statement. The man was down to earth and the rustic poem is fine for that, but even then the illustration of what he was can do so much more than the statement. I know you have the tools and I think, because the subject may be so close to you, that reverance holds you back. Please don't take offense, but let me illustrate what I might do with one of your stanzas here. He is on top of the world and he isn't looking down All of his reflections are high vivid in this moment forever He is never forgotten. In the moment since last breath attaining Eternity beyond In his wink of a life passed in enduring love By thoughts he left to us. What does this do? It streams into one train of thought without the disjoint of that train separated by the assertiveness of statement. And without denial, "he isn't looking down". And it's still a bit rustic. JCH


This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-03-29 16:34:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Hi Ellen...your friend must have been a wonderful man and friend to you. It is so hard to lose a person who gives so much. I like this poem. You did a fine job in giving a good image of him. I just have a few suggestions... He was a disabled farm hand here on earth......drop 'here' who knew more about pain than seems fair.......if this is the end of a statement you need a period here His short life was long. He lays in ashes now...........................comma instead of period here As dust suits a man.......................un-cap 'As' Whose body is shed at last and.................un-cap 'Whose'......drop 'and' His work has been accomplished!................ un-cap 'His'.......drop 'has been' He feels a new peace and then...............drop 'and then' within his soul he feels joy................comma after 'soul'....period after 'joy' In the light that feels no pain ..............drop 'the' he steps softly and discovers He is at his best now!..........................un-cap 'He' He is on top of the world and he isn't looking down.........................drop 'he'....period after 'down' All of his reflections are high...................drop 'of' comma after 'high' vivid in this moment forever......................period after 'forever' He is never forgotten. He is a new man! He is the spirit and soul of the old man renewed and now whole. When we see him again we will know him....................period after 'him' No circle will be broken. Having said all that (bet you are gald I finally quit noodling with this poem!) you have the option of not using periods and let the line breaks serve as the end and start of a new sentence....I think you may have done that. However, you need to be consistant when you use caps to start a new sentence or thought. You are a good poet but you just need to watch your punctuation and flow. By droping the words, you don't need to convey your images, it serves to tighten up the poem and make it flow with ease. These are lessons I had to learn, as well, and I had wonderful mentors on TPL that helped me so much. Sadly, now they have either passed away or just left us for reasons that I don't understand. I still need help and am grateful when anyone takes the time to tell me where I need to improve. I post on a couple of other sites, as well, but none of them have mentors who are willing or will take the time to help as TPL is fortunate enough to have. This poem is a fine tribute to your friend. Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-03-23 22:03:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ellen, This poem speaks of faith. And your belief is quite wonderful. This fellow meant a lot to you to be so inspirational. He was young. I like 'no circle will be broken'. I feel we are all connected in the pool of oneness. i pray your fellow's ok. I've lost 2 dear almost lifelong friends last year. A fitting tribute to Rick. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-03-20 08:14:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hard to put into words poet what is touching my own heart as I have read this one over and over again and it is beautiful as it touches life, death and eternity. Your friend Rick must have truly touched your heart and your soul and this is such a wonderful memory to share with us. The words flow so well and the images bring Rick to life in the beginning ...disabled, full of pain.....his life was short but long lived.......he lays in ashes now as dusts suits a man .......the process of being cremated fills my mind as my mom was also cremated and returned a little bag of white dust which reminded me of beach sand. I often said to others mom is now dancing in God's Heavenly Garden giving reference to the fact she could no longer walk here on eart by herself........you have touched on every facet of his new being for indeed he is whole both in body and soul. A place of beauty awaits us all where there is no fear, no pain, no wars, famine, etc., just pure love in the Light of our God. This one is a definite on my voting list. Thanks for posting and sharing. I am sure Rick is smiling down upon you now. God Bless, Claire
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