This Poem was Submitted By: Christopher Rhodes On Date: 2007-04-22 22:42:38 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Obelisk Here I stand,
an obelisk
against the waves.
The incessant
battering
slowly erodes
unyielding stone.
The passage of years
shows in the rough
texture of a once
smooth-polished face.
The isolated
spire stands aloof,
defiantly
unbowed by the
ravages of time.
Wrinkles cut by
sand and salt, grim
reminders of
mortality.
This solitary
bastion will not
eternally stand
against the tide,
no matter how
resolute. One
day it too shall fall.
Soft-edged jagged bones
will lie untended
and forgotten;
half interred in the
sands of shattered dreams,
wailing their silent
dirge into the
cold, clear heart of
ignominy where
no tear rolls down
warm marble cheeks. |
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Copyright © April 2007 Christopher Rhodes
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-04-30 22:53:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You've turned some good lines here, Christopher, and you have an already imagist
symbol in the "Obelisk" that yearns for broader context. Yeats gave the monolith of
Ozymandias one, the pomposity of his supposedly timeless likeness, (look upon me and
tremble,) slowly being eaten by wind-driven sand. You simply remind us of our mortality
with the example of what even a polished obelisk cannot endure.
I for one, in the anticipation of both your poetic language and poem development want
more.
Either reaffirmation, display of folly, more than just where "no tear rolls". The ideas
of things endure. One day the monuments on mars will attest to something about that.
And that may very well be what immortal idea the obelisk represents.
So, I don't want you to pen this poem's sole aspect on something that might, at least in
aspect, prove untrue.
Marble cheeks are never warm.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-04-23 23:23:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Christopher,
So nice to see new talent here, and "talent", shines through each verse of this poem. Comparison to the
obelisk/man is a fresh idea - strength of the two - time & passage wearing at each - leaving us with the imagery you have created with written words. In each stanza - the comparison grows - i.e. - what you have said in your 2nd & 3rd verses.
This is where the reader feels anticipation - wants to feel the thread of the piece and how it will end.
The human element, stands out in this poem - mortality of man remembered.
Your write is somber, and has a hard edge to it. Last verse pulls the poem together for this reader.
Death will come, bones untended, shattered dreams - wailing their silent dirge - deep emotion of perhaps something left undone, or some sort of remorse comes to mind.
Good job, thanks for posting this here.
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-04-23 17:08:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Hi Christopher....this is a superb poem and one I have read several times. Years ago I wrote a poem about a light house and your poem reminds me of it. You have used a plethora of well chosen words that lend perfect images to the mind of this reader. I have tried to pick a favorite line or phrase but I cannot...it would do an injustice to the rest of the poem if I did! Indeed it is sad to think these stately structures will not always stand but it is true that there is an end to everything. "Soft-edged jagged bones will lie untended and forgotten"....such a sad thought. Your ending is amazing...it has just the right amount of melancholy to make it memorable...something all poets strive to do. Welcome to TPL...I hope you like it here and thanks for the opportunity to read your work.
Best.....Marilyn
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