This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2007-06-01 14:35:16 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Forsaken
You have abandoned me
like my father before you
my heart is empty
the phone doesn’t ring
you say you love me
but it doesn’t mean a thing
I ache to forgive
and get on with life
something dampers my spirit
something impedes my flight
What have I done to push
you away? What more is
there to say?
It must be in the blood
this wickedness that tears
the heart from earnestness
and leaves me sad
with many regrets
What Karmic twist is this?
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Copyright © June 2007 Jana Buck Hanks
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-06-27 15:54:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jana.....so very sad to read your words filled with such pain and loss........love that is given so freely to someone over a span of time that is taken suddenly away is never fair..........your pain comes through with the words you have chosen to express what your inner self is feeling. Hopefully time will heal this broken heart and who knows perhaps the two souls will once more meet and join hands as they venture off again.........never forget through all the pain the good times shared and the memories that always live within your heart. Well written and thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-06-27 00:11:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Jana,
So sad, to care so deeply, and be so disappointed.
Have you heard of 'the secret'?
The law of attraction.
You need a different attraction.[beneficial stuff/instead of negative]
Check it out.
You are not forsaken by 'you'!
Your poem is very expressive.
It's well done.
The sun will shine again.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-06-20 08:55:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Two lives yet parralleled is what you give this reader. The expected from what has occurred previously another thought that crosses the mind. Your ending sums up the simple words that yet have depth within them. I enjoyed this piece.
Hope this is what you intended because that is what I saw.
Well done like always. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-06-12 16:49:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jana....such a doleful poem. One that if full of the ache for a love that has gone astray. It speaks of abandonment and hopelessness which is so sad. I felt this way when my husband died but not for the same reasons. I think it is even worse for a loved one to leave us than it is for them to die when they had no choice. You have written this with very little punctuation and let the line breaks work for you which is very effective when done properly and you have done that. I do believe I would leave off that last line as to me it doesn't add any impact to the poem. If you were going for a bit more drama, than you already have, you might just say...."my heart aches"...no that is cliche and you already used ached. How about "Even my shadow is forsaken" or something to that effect. Don't mind me I tend to noodle with poems that are full of promise. well done
Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joan M Whiteman On Date: 2007-06-10 19:35:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Jana - A diouble rejection by two important people in your life? How painful
that must be! Surely, whatever you've done - this should settle any Karmic debt!
Your poem is terse and to-the-point. Harsh but strong in the way you relate the story.
Poetry pared to the bare bone...good work!
Joan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-06-05 21:04:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Jana,
An unusual soul searching introspective. Not sure how I feel about the "like my father before you" and stumbled on the "dampers" however those may just be personal perspectives. I think your strongest points of this write are your last stanza's and like the way you end with a question/thought. Thank you for an interesting read.
Namaste'
Lora
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