This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-08-13 14:12:08 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Before I Sleep....
I pause…
spellbound
beneath sauvignon skies
as rain begins its march
across the meadow
I call back distant echoes
of moments shared
from hidden alcoves of my soul
an ambient ambrosia
of petal soft touches
fondling their way
from thirsting parted lips
onto tumid rings of color
as a satiated bloom
weeps honeyed nectar
in imminent fulfillment
a rising pinnacle
(...revealing revelations of romance)
is now gently falling
like the vanishing patter of rain
calming
comforting
taking me deep into
soporific slumber
....dancing on fields of claret clouds
to music of the spheres
touching the face of stars
~
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Copyright © August 2007 Mary J Coffman
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sonya stewart On Date: 2007-10-02 20:24:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This was beautiful, every enchanting word had me spellbound. I read this twice as it was just like music dripping from your pen. The style and flow suited this poem perfectly. You have beautiful language and it showed most definaltely in the last stanza, fantastic imagery!! i could feel it and was almost there, Very enjoyable read indeed. Thankyou for sharing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-09-07 20:18:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
Such lucsious ramblings just before sleep, audacious, precocious, rythmicaly hypnotic...a peddler of dreams and nuiances...and I will join the vagabond caravan trapseing along behind. I shall remember this the next time I have difficulty falling to sleep.
Best always my friend,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-08-29 16:54:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95238
Mary you certainly do have a way with words and a way to bring it all together ........the images you have created just shine and the emotions created to go along as well.
....dancing on fields of claret clouds
to music of the spheres
touching the face of stars
such beauty in these words......thanks again and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul H. Roefs On Date: 2007-08-29 04:53:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
This is a lovely poem. I love the way in which you bring th reader deeply into your thoughts
and into the sanctity of your love, that meant so much to you. A sip, or two of wine mixed with
colors of rain, the scent of ambrosia reveals this moment for love....
Your writing reads warm and soft and is so wonderfully romantic. I am so very pleased that I
read your poem, if I had not read it, I would have missed something wonderful.
I have one suggestion, Line 12; "from thirsting parted lips"
Try Line 12; from thirst parted lips, I believe it read smoother.
Thank very much for you great poem. My best to you, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-08-23 10:05:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
Although this is also well written reading your 'Of Diamonds and Moonbeams' this has to take a second seat. The wording is to deep for me on this one and it detracts from the sense of the moment at least for me. Example your wording;
I call back distant echoes
of moments shared
from hidden alcoves of my soul
this wants me to here more about the soul, than the moment you are experiencing. Rain, tears, somehow do not blend for this reader, remember I am limited compared to so many others here.
Thanks, Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2007-08-20 01:38:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Beautiful imagery!! I love it. How do you format as you did here? I mean, when you post the poem? Mine always stays in straight lines. Does that make sense? LOL
Metaphors! I love metaphors and you did excellent here.
touching the face of stars.....breathtaking!!
Rene'
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-08-18 14:08:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mary, from the first lines there is a special feeling of the transition- of day to night, wakefulness to sleep. It all made me wonder how many actually fall to sleep with such temperance of spirit.
Some of your analogies, “sauvignon skiesâ€, “ambient ambrosiaâ€, “satiated bloomsâ€, “rising pinnacle†(my favorite), are simply delicious and puts me sitting beside you, and listening first hand to the rain and white noise.
As we share in your “soporific slumber†(great alliteration, throughout your piece), but I guess, the use here as synonyms reinforce the meaning- as their redundant use hammers the alliteration, regardless of rhyme. Great combination.
This is an absolutely enjoyable piece- the ellipses may or may not add to the quality, some may not like them, but they do not detract at all from my enjoyment of the piece.
Great write.
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