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Beneath The Mask Sadness overwhelms me deep as at night alone I weep You cannot see my pain inside yet you never even tried I know what you wish to see as you say you're proud of me This gentle smile on my face belongs to me with all her grace It took sometime to place her there so daily she is what I wear Just for you she'll smile away hoping she will make your day as you pretend it's all real never knowing how I feel And when you go to sleep at night assure yourself I am alright Your security blanket hides so well that I'm still in this living Hell |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-12-04 11:04:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rene,
The words are fine but for this reader the format seems to need more impact. Example:
Sadness overwhelms me
deep
as at night
alone
I weep
You cannot see
my pain inside
yet
you never even tried
I know what
you wish to see
as you say
you're proud of me
This gentle smile
on my face
belongs to me
with all her grace
It took sometime
to place her there
so daily she is
what I wear
Just for you
she'll smile away
hoping she will
make your day
as you pretend
it's all real
never knowing how
I feel
And when you go
to sleep at night
assure yourself
I am alright
Your security blanket
hides so well
that I'm still
in this
living
Hell
Not the answer but just a thought. Thanks for sharing, Thomas