This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2008-04-11 20:05:30 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Shaun R.I.P. The lineage of your blood still races through my veins.
Mutual attachment that signifies this horrible pain.
My zombie spirit doleful and bleak
Cries out to your celestial warmth,
Place a kiss upon my cheek.
The mother’s boy, the Father’s child
At everlasting peace
Nirvana or the Promised Land
Earthly pain and trials
Led you to your final release.
Now to ponder life ahead
Not to reside with those who are dead
Farseeing life pushing through whatsoever arrives
To look beyond the eyes that cry
A beginning to the end of ill
A point, a place for my heart to be still.
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Copyright © April 2008 DeniMari Z.
Additional Notes:
Thinking about Shaun, expressing what is in my heart, and in my daily life.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcus J On Date: 2008-05-07 11:07:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Such a loving tribute, poet. Your words echo a tender release for the loss of your son. I am especially moved by the lines,
“Nirvana or the Promised Land
Earthly pain and trials
Led you to your final release.â€
I wish you Godspeed in healing,
Mark M
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-04-23 01:24:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
DeniMari,
I find this to be a very important piece.
A tribute to you son.
That's why I'd work a bit on this.
I personally would not RIP....the title.
Maybe just say Rest In Peace My Son, or something more a tribute.
The lineage of your blood still races through my veins.
Mutual attachment[s] that signifies this horrible[a better word/maybe terrible] pain.
My zombie spirit doleful and bleak [/my spirit's doleful sad and bleak]
Cries out to your celestial warmth,
Place a kiss upon my cheek.
The mother’s boy, the Father’s child [I like this a lot]
At everlasting peace [I pray is having a peaceful sleep]
Nirvana or the Promised Land
Earthly pain and trials
Led you to your final release.
Just a couple of thoughts. I hope you can work on this bit by bit
to make it more wonderful a tribute, in his name.
Would love to see and read it.........
So sad.....
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-04-14 19:51:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I am so very sorry that your pain is so deep ...the loss of a child, no matter what age he or she is, leaves such an emptiness which you certainly are feeling. Indeed your blood ran through his veins, the bond of mother/son/child shall always remain within the lining of your heart, the memories that you made together as he grew into manhood. Your pen will help ease your pain and your memories will bring you peace of heart once more......yet, that time may be some time off. Take each day as a new beginning, let those tears flow for they will help heal your heart. My thoughts and my prayers remain with you and always express the feelings of the heart. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-04-11 20:28:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.20000
You remain in mourning and your poems reflect this.
Permit me to but help tidy up your verse in the midst
of this distraction.
Lineage is what comes after. The blood he spilt was
the lineage of yours, not the other way around.
"zombie spirit" is an excellent way of representing
doleful...under the circumstances.
Foreseeing life, not, "Farseeing life".
"whatsoever arrives" is cumbersome and not in keeping
with your usual image making skills. It weighs heavily
on the meter as well. Try something like, Foreseeing
new morning dew.
"A beginning to the end of ill/A point for my heart to
be still" is superb. No reason for the rest of the poem
to be any less.
JCH
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