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Music Lifts Everything Up No choir to back up the moon, beaming down Towards earth in magnifigance With no audible sound Days early light a pure heavenly sight Yet no bells chime aloud Day begins without sound If God has a band only those above can hear Sheer masterpiece playing year after year With patience I'll wait to face Heaven's promised gate No sadness, or sorrow nor any fear When the angels descend to carry me there Passed the moonbeams; passed the day To the choir I long to hear |
Additional Notes:
For Shaun, my 9/11 First Responder who spent ten hours the night of 9/11 - at the tower site in NY.
This is for you - with sincere thoughts that the beauty of Heaven is yours; and the music you loved in life
still surrounds you - R.I.P. Courageous Guy.......I love; and miss you so much.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2008-09-30 15:44:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari,
I like the idea of a music we CAN'T hear here being audible there. I like the way, also, the music becomes associated with Shaun through sheer physics - Shaun is there and not here, the music is there and not here. I also like the use of the moon and the moonbeams in portraying a physical veil on this side of the equation. I do take note of the syntax, the disjunctive phrasing and flow: "[p]assed the moonbeams," not "past the moonbeams," which makes it disjunctive with the prior line, not flowing out of it. The phrasing and line development supports the meaning.
There is almost a progression in belief enacted between these two lines:
"If God has a band only those above can hear
Sheer masterpiece playing year after year"
The "if" of doubt becomes an assertion of an affirmative presence in the next line.
There are a lot of interesting things going on here, as addressed. I also like the title. However, the poem leaves the feeling that it is in need of some tightening. Of course, you have to be careful that it is not tightened to the point where it loses some of its nice disjunctive quality and that shifiness in syntax etc. that works well. It just needs some pruning and needs to ferment a bit more I think.
MSS