This Poem was Submitted By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-10-05 00:52:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Between Lines Does it matter?, taking short notes
in long lectures like indentured
servants bridging water like we
thought we oughta
Just to claim love and move on
spacing just enough for proper
i-n-d-e-n-t-a-t-i-o-n
Pressing toes against the cool
not wanting habits of warmth
Stealing second thoughts
like tireless school
Not to have to think too much of you
how that might cohabit habitation
An altered form of sublimation
diseased into what fees can be charged to
When all I wanted...to smell, taste, charge
you with wanting me
for a while.
Why would you want to wrestle toes for cover
more than me?
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Copyright © October 2008 James C. Horak
Additional Notes:
My anti-romantic period.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-10-23 00:13:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James,
Sounds pretty romantic, not anti. Maybe it's anti romantic because it's past?
I like the charging you with wanting me. That a gift to have.
It sounds like you both played hard to get.
Who knows why sometimes it works, other times not. The mind and it's needs are so variable
and yet the same.
It sounds like you were in school.
She an aggressve go getter, as you, with a world left to conquer.
nice..
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-10-22 14:13:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James,
While you claim this from your anti-romantic period, I still found a certain amount of romance in it. Passion in what you see, feel, touch whether it be a subject or person is quite romantic. Great novels, poems of doom, dread or anti subject reflect a nature of deep commitment, passion and a firing of the mind...this in it's self is alluring...Oh well, can find no fault with your write, enjoyed it. There are too many lines that I like to be able to pick out a favorite..so I'll just say--again, I really enjoyed and liked your verbal pennings in this one.\
Best always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2008-10-17 10:55:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
JCH,
Two things I've decided to do. I rarely have time lately for writing poetry, reading what I want to read, and critiquing. This comes and goes, but that's the situation right now.
But I'm going to critique everything, and read everything here. And max out my voting weight so i can have my say.
Forgive me this non-critique. And give me whatever you want. :)
I couldn't help but notice that assonance in "lectures" and "indentured." Even with my antenna folded. :) Very nice, that.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2008-10-16 15:17:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
JCH, “an altered form of sublimation†that accepts the “fees†compounded from “cohabit habitation†(clever word use)- misappropriation/misuse of affection (feigned?) becomes a mutation that cost more than its worth- but the (conceptual l- “thinkingâ€) reflects the writers inability to keep from “habits of warmth†created by an unwanted bond.
“for a while†– The writer wanted the security of knowing she desired him; but not the obligation attached beyond a passing interest.
I am with you, I think; and feeling the pain or arthroscopy of heart- and then I am knee deep in “toesâ€.
“Wrestle toes for cover� I have never heard of toe wrestling. I cannot even place this as an abstract that reflects the verse.
The metaphor contained in the first stanza is a reflection of the entire verse, (it should be visited after reading stanza 2 and 3) - is fascinating. Reread is necessary to understand the end. Beginning with the end; almost another metaphor for the likeness of affection. NOTE: since you utilized “oughta†you should change “water†to “watah†to complete the image.
Then again I am left with toes. Toes against the cold, toe wrestling- they shall just have to remain cold by default- wrestled or not.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-10-09 23:42:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.75000
not so sure abot this being in your anti romantic period my friend.....seems to me it is full of emotions where the heart is concerned.....and your words keep the flow of images coming.....
When all I wanted...to smell, taste, charge
you with wanting me
for a while.
Why would you want to wrestle toes for cover
more than me?
good from beginning to end and would not change a thing. Thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2008-10-08 15:15:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.00000
JC, this is really good; and you've written another wonderful poem. Without being complicated to read through the verses, you've stated your emotions, on the whys? what fors? of gaining something that should be simple; if love is there - all should fall into place. Unfortunately, people can't be like that - they have issues, demands, and expectations on what a relationship "should" be; and God forbid we break one of the "rules" - there is plenty of punishment to come our way.
Very original, with some outstanding lines:
Stealing second thoughts like tireless school...very good.
Specifically how the first verse pulls you into the idea of the poem - and the ending -
Why? Why would such a petty thing be so significant?
loved this,
Deni
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